Cordelia

chapter 53 ~ pain

it's been a month, first week after i woke up i been getting nightmares of what happened to me, doctor gave me some sleeping pills and the nightmares stopped but what didn't stop is the feeling of unpleasant unwanted touches

i feel them all over me, when no one is touching me, when i have tight clothes on, when i feel cold air on me, when clothes tissue touches me in the wrong way

no one knows about this though, I'm a bother as it is right now, i can't do anything by myself. Boys are helping me a lot, which hate to admit but makes me cray to sleep at night, because i don't think i deserve people like that to care so much about me

Dylan is always here to check on me, Samuel always makes me food and helps me eat, helps me cut up the meat when i don't have strength in my hands, and he always assures me that cooking for me is the happies thing on earth knowing that i woke up and not seeing those tubes up my veins

I don't see Everett and Diego as often these days, but Diego never fails to inquire about my well-being. As for Everett, he thinks I'm unaware, but I've noticed him slipping into my room in the middle of the night. He takes my hands and stays with me, occasionally whispering a few words of comfort.

i hear a knock and tell him to come in "Guess what time it is," Samuel announces cheerfully as he enters, carrying a tray of food.

i sigh and slightly smile "what is it this time" i question

"for todays menu we have lasagna for little protein, macaroon for the dessert and orange juice and water"

"thank you Samuel" I reply gratefully

"pleasure is mine" he takes a sit next to me, i take my first bite chew slowly

"it's good" i nod, i continue to eat and then Samuel spoke

"do you think you will be able to walk with me after dinner?" i had trouble walking by myself in the beginning but now i can walk slowly, i go to bathroom by myself but i don't know about taking walks

"The doctor did mention that you should start moving little by little," 

"sure" i simply answer, i heard this place has a garden, i haven't seen it yet only heard about it, i wanna go see it

after i was done eating he helped me to get up, i didn't change, I'm wearing black shirt with sweatpants, he opened the door and we went outside 

The fresh air fills my lungs, and I relish the feeling. The sun warms my face; the weather is just right, not too cold or too hot.

we walk in silence, admiring the greens, the flowers "good" he asks me

i nod "who's place is this" i ask him

"Everett's, he bought it little over a month ago" month?

"why" i ask him being coureurs

"Not my place to say. You should ask him," Samuel suggests with a slight smile.

 Where is he anyway? I haven't seen him around lately," he hesitates to answer at first but then he spoke

"he has some things to take care of it" i guess i have to ask him directly

after a while i told him i was feeling tired and wanted to go back inside, we walk back in the house

i lay in the same place i been for what feels like forever, i lay there and do what literally nothing, i don't want to bother them but i don't want to be left alone in the room at the same time, i feel like if it's too quiet they'll take me away again

i curl up and hug my legs, i don't want to feel anymore, anything, it hurts so much, maybe not physically not anymore but any time i remember it i feel it again, again and again

i want to rip my skin off and get out of my body so i can escape this feeling, i quietly sob, because there's nothing else i can do

the night comes quickly, no one has disturbed me, which is good, i don't want hem to see me this way.

few minutes later i hear door opening, i quickly hide under the blanket pretending as if I'm asleep

"Cor, i know you're awake" it's Everett, he came again "you don't have to face me if you don't want to" his softly spoken words make my tears drop

it's not that i don't want to look at him, i don't want him to see me like this, weak, helpless, worthless i feel so insignificant.

i slowly remove blanket from my face and as soon as he sees my face he froze "no no, talk to me" he asks as he tries to calm me down, he wipes one of my tears with his thump

"i don't know Everett, i can't do this anymore" i brake down, he comes closer to me and holds me. i cry in his arms as i whisper things i wanted to get off my chest

"i feel them all over me" i sob

"i think of their touch when someone touches me or even no one" i breathe heavily and he lets me talk all i want

"do you think of them when i touch you" he softly asks, i don't answer him

"it hurts Everett" my heart, i feel the pain through my bones

"i know live, I'm going to take you somewhere safe" he assures me, he says it as if it's a promise

we stay like that for a while, i then close my eyes and almost fall asleep, once i opened my eyes i saw Everett was gone

so i took this opportunity and did what i had to do to stop to my pain.