What's Broken Can't Be Fixed

20

     Chris sits on his bed with his head in his hands. How much longer was this going to take? How was he going to do this without hurting somebody? Then, someone comes inside his room. He looks up to see Hyunjin standing in front of him.

     Hyunjin flicks the light on and sits on the bed beside him. "Are you thinking about it?" He asks, and Chris nods. "Come on. That's a long way ahead, don't worry about it right now."

     Chris sighs, ruffling the boy's hair. "Yeah... thanks Hyunjin." Hyunjin leaves, going back into his own room. Felix was sitting down on the bed. His face buried into his pillow. He could face Hyunjin right now, not after that stupid question he asked.

     Even when Hyunjin told him that it wasn't a stupid question he was still embarrassed. "Felix... are you trying to suffocate yourself, so you don't have to talk to me?"

     "Maybe." The raven smiles, walking over to him. "Also, I can't see anything right now."

     "Then you can face me." Felix turns around, and sure enough his eyes were unfocused. He went back to stage three. Felix closes his eyes again, there was no point in keeping them open if he couldn't see.

     Hyunjin lies down beside him, wrapping his arms around the boy. They didn't do anything else for the rest of the day. It was nearing midnight, and Seungmin was asleep in the bed beside Chris. He was just sitting up, spacing out.

     There was a bit too much on his mind for him to go to sleep. So, he gets up and heads downstairs. He opens the cabinet, grabs the bottle of whiskey, a glass, and sits down on one of the barstools. For a moment, he just stares at it. Then he pours some. The sound as the liquid gathers in the glass gave him some sort of peace.

     He takes big sips. Different from what he did the first time he had it. The taste lingered in his throat and stung his eyes. He liked it. He drinks more... and more. Suddenly, he hears a voice. "Why are you drinking this late at night?"

     Through his blurred vision he sees Hyunjin standing beside him. "Hyunjin...?"

     "You're thinking about it again, aren't you?"

     "...What if... I am?"

     "Come on Hyung, I told you not to worry about it. At this point you're more worried than me." Chris sighs, turning back to his glass.

     He hated this. He came down here to be alone. He hated the voices. Everything. He just wanted everything shut up. Chris stands, but when Hyunjin grabs his wrist, he snaps.

     He roughly shoves Hyunjin to the ground. The alcohol was... taking over his ability to see clearly. He wasn't in his right state of mind. "GODDAMMIT HYUNJIN WOULD YOU JUST STOP?!"

     As Hyunjin hits the ground, his eyes widen, they begin to well up. All the memories came rushing back. His breathing gets fast and heavy, tears wet his cheeks, he was having a panic attack. At that moment Chris... didn't seem like himself. Hannah gets up from the couch, and all the boys come rushing downstairs.

     They see Chris standing, and then Hyunjin on the ground crying. Jeongin looks around frantically, and then he sees it. The whiskey bottle. Chris begins to ball his hands into fists. And when Hyunjin notices this... and so does Felix.

     "Hyun-"

     "I'M SORRY FATHER DON'T HURT ME!" He blurts out.

     Everyone pauses. Their eyes travel back and forth from Hyunjin to Chris. Seungmin pushes past everyone and stands in front of the older boy. "Chris I'm fucking tired of this! You've been acting so out of it lately! You've been short tempered, acting like you haven't slept in days, you've started drinking?! Why the hell are you acting like this?!"

     Chris stares for a moment, and then he collapses onto the floor. Seungmin kneels down in front of him. He was mumbling to himself. "Jesus... what the hell did I do... what did I do..."

     He crawls over to Hyunjin and pulls the boy into a hug. They all stand there. Watching as Hyunjin cries into Chris' arms. Listening to Chris whisper the same words into Hyunjin's ear. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry Hyunjin."

     Everyone separates. Hyunjin and Felix go back to their room, Chris and Seungmin go back to theirs as well. Felix looks at the boy who's wiping his tears in front of him. "You said father earlier..."

     "I guess I did." The raven answers quietly.

     "Hyunjin, did your father beat you?" Felix's question comes quickly. But the other saw it coming.

     "What kind of question is that-"

     "Hyunjin, it's a yes or no question, did your father beat you?!"

     "Yes. He beat me." Despite his calm tone, he looked angry. But Felix couldn't blame him.

     "How long... had it been going on. Was he doing it before you came to school? Is that where that burn mark came from-"

     "He beat me until his own fingers were bleeding. He beat me until his anger subsided. Even if I was passed out on the ground, he would still continue to beat me so does it really matter how long he's been doing it? Isn't it enough that he's done it already?"'

     "Hyunjin-"

     "It doesn't matter. I can pretend that I'm put together, and okay. I can pretend like I'm not falling apart. But in reality, Felix. I'm about two seconds away from getting up and slitting my own fucking throat because of how tired I am."

     Back in Seungmin and Chris' room, Seungmin stares at him in disbelief. He was... angry at Chris. But he didn't know why this was all happening. "I just don't understand... why you're drinking like this. Why are you so stressed out?"

     "I can't... I just want it to be over..."

     "What has happened that made you like this? Was it me? If you're so uncomfortable with having me as your boyfriend then we don't have to-" Suddenly, Chris grabs him and pulls him closer.

     His hands remain on Seungmin's nape as their lips touch. The kiss tastes... bitter. The taste of alcohol lingers on Chris' tongue. When they part, Seungmin sighs.

     "The next time you feel stressed, like you need something to... take the edge off. Come to me, to us. We're here, okay? Don't turn to alcohol. I don't want you to change. You're a nice boy."

     "I'm Twenty-two."

     "You're still a boy to me Chris. So please... don't ruin yourself. Because if you do, not only will you hurt yourself... but you'll hurt Hyunjin more than any of us."

     It had been 3 years. His parents were probably gone. There was this thing that just clung to him. And he wanted to let it go... but he couldn't. 3 years. 3 years of this fucking 'trauma'. It was all bullshit.