Finding Love Series #5: Quest For Dear

CHAPTER NINETEEN [Unedited]

"Tulungan mo ako, 'nak. Ayoko na dito sa presinto. Mainit, maingay, hindi ka makatulog maayos! Bitin pa ang pinapakain! Anak, pakiusap! Tulungan mo naman si Nanay, o? Wala talaga akong ibang matawagan kundi ikaw lang. Hindi ko naman pwedeng tawagan mga kapatid mo dahil tulad ko, nangangailan rin ng pera........"

Pera. Ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon hindi maputol ni Nanay ang ugnayan niya sa akin. Pera. Rason kung bakit naisipan niya akong tawagan. Pera. Ang dahilan kung bakit nasa kulungan siya ngayon. At ang pera, kung saan siya palaging masaya.

Money can't buy happiness. That's what they said. The saying means that true happiness comes from within, not from possessions that can be brought. Gaano man kasimple, kamura o kamahal, ang mas mahalaga ay yung value ng nagbigay. It's the thought that it counts, that's what they also said.

Furthermore, money can't buy how much your worth. Money can't count how much your value is as a person. Money can't bought how much your prices is because you're exorbitant. And money can't tame how much are you.

However, there are other people who was blinded by money. Masama man ang dahilan o para sa magandang intesnsiyon, nagagawa pa ring gawin para sa pera. Totoong nakakasilaw ang pera pero nakadepende sa paninindigan ng isang tao.

And in my mother's case, she grew up craving for money. She couldn't live without money in her hands and so I am. But what makes it difference is I know my limitations and my control.

"Hello, Pearla? Andiyan ka pa ba?"

"Sige po. Pupunta ako diyan." Mabigat sa luob kong saad saka nagpaalam pagkatapos.

I let out a tiring sigh and rest my back against the my chair while thinking about my mother behavior and her hobbies. Bata pa ako, kami ng mga kapatid ko, talagang sugarol na si Nanay. Uuwing masaya kapag panalo sa sugal at uuwi ring mainit ang ulo kapag natalo.

My mind can still remembered how my mother get home while angry because she lost while playing tongits. Halatang galit at mainit ang ulo ni Nanay habang papasok sa bahay.

Nasa gilid lang ako nuon habang nagtutupi ng mga sinampay. Takot at hindi ako makalapit kay Nanay dahil alam kong ako ang pagbubuntongan niya ng galit.

Nakakatakot magalit si Nanay kaya takot na takot ako sa kaniya mula pa nuon. Nananakit at palaging nagmumura kapag mainit ang ulo.

Umupo siya sa kahoy naming upuan na kunting-kunti na lang, bibigay na dahil hindi na masiyadong matigas ang kahoy at lumalambot na dahil hindi nalalagyan ng barnis. She then stood up to go to our kitchen to eat but the problem is, we don't have food.

Naubos na kagabi pa lang ang kalahating kilo na inutang ko kagabi sa tindahan. Not enough for the of us. Wala ring ulam dahil naubos na rin ang tuyong binili ko nuong isang araw.

"Bakit walang pagkain dito, Pearla?!" I got flinch because of the way she mentioned my name and her sudden screamed.

Bumaling ako kay Nanay at kitang-kita ko ang nanglilinsik niyang mata habang nakatingin sa akin. I couldn't tell how much scared I was right now seeing her in raged. Takot na takot ako dahil alam ko ang posible niyang gawin kapag ganito kapalit.

Nanakit ng pisikal at hindi ka papakain ng isa o dalawang araw.

Kung ikukumpara, wala man lang pinagbago. Ganun pa rin, takot pa rin mapahanggang ngayon kay Nanay. I was still flinching and feel not comfortable every time she's near me and every time she's calling my name.

I'm still the old Pearla who was so much scared by her own mother. I'm still the old Pearla who still hoping she'll feel the care of having a mother. I'm still the young Pearla who has been longing for her mother's affection. I'm still the old Pearla who is still hoping to feel the love from her own mother.