The Love I Need

Chapter 78

"Thanks for today, by the way," Cal says as I hand a cigarette to him on the porch. He glances over his shoulder at the front door and then gestures to Theo's house. "Let's go over there. He has an ashtray, and Monster's been coming out of bed lately. I don't want her to see me with this."

I'm not a fan of the idea. I'd rather avoid the house next door. But Cal walks down the steps and begins walking to Theo's, and I fall in step behind him.

"Why are you thanking me?" I question after I light my cigarette. I hand the lighter to Cal so that he can do the same.

"My girls were so happy when I got home, dancing around the kitchen with you. If you can even call what April does dancing. That woman couldn't move to a beat if she had written the music herself." He laughs with a twinkling look in his eyes that says he loves everything about his wife's terrible dance moves, and then shoots me a grin. "Monster said it was your idea." He places his cigarette between his lips and lifts the lighter, but murmurs, "It feels like it's been a while since they've been like that," before he produces a flame.

I frown at his statement while he hands the Bic back to me. My thumb automatically brushes over the T scratched into the plastic. "They're always happy around you."

"Nawh." He shakes his head. "Not like that. Not lately. I've been trying not to be a downer around them but they're not so easily fooled. Even Emily realizes something's up with me. I can tell by the way she hugged me when I brought her to bed tonight... She's too observant. Just like her mother that way."

We walk up the steps of Theo's porch and Cal takes a seat on the swing. I can't bring myself to sit next to him, so I lean against the railing across from him instead.

"It might help if you told them what's going on... at least April?" I suggest.

Cal chuckles and takes a drag of his cigarette. He stares out at the road, exhaling slowly before he looks at me with a little grin. "Y'know, maybe I don't love that you two are getting along so well. I feel a little ganged up on here."

I roll my eyes at his comment and attempt to continue the conversation. This feels like a safer topic than what I need to talk to him about. "I got the impression that you could tell her anything, Cal. Why won't you tell her what's going on?"

"I will. I'm going to. I just..." He looks away from me again. "I need Melissa's help figuring out how to say it."

"Maybe I can help?"

A sad smile crosses his face but quickly goes away while he shakes his head. "Not this time, Emy... Thanks though." He looks back at me and offers another smile, one that looks more real. "But really, it was so great to come home to that dance party. I'll admit, when you first showed up, I was terrified about how you'd mesh with my family, but I shouldn't have been. You fit perfectly. I knew I needed you back in my life but I never imagined they were going to need you too."

My eyes are beginning to burn and blur, and I have to look away from him to keep the tears at bay. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Theo doesn't need me. I don't fit in his life at all. And April and Emily could've easily put on some music and started dancing around in the kitchen without my involvement. And Cal... Is he going to feel the same way once I tell him?

"But anyway," Cal continues talking when I don't say anything, "sorry for hijacking the conversation." He begins to push the porch swing back and forth with his feet. "You wanted to talk to me about something?"

Fuck. No, I don't want to talk about it. But I don't want April to have to tell him either.

I chew on my lip and then bring my cigarette to my mouth. I take my time puffing on it while I contemplate what to say but eventually, I realize that I'm just going to have to get it out there.