The Love I Need

Chapter 87

When Theo returns, he picks up the broken pieces of glass and gets a broom to sweep up any remnants. He comes to stand behind the chairs where Cal and I are still sitting together.

"Uh, Cal." He places a hand on his shoulder while his other hand rests against the back of my neck. "We need to let April and Emy in still... I can get them, but I'm not sure if..." He doesn't finish his sentence but he doesn't have to. I'm not sure if you want your daughter to see you like this.

Cal lifts his head from where it's resting against mine. "Right, yah, just give me a minute." He takes a few deep breaths while looking around the kitchen. He keeps his arms around me. "Thanks for cleaning that up."

"No problem," Theo answers while giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Why don't you two go upstairs? I'll send April up and get Emily to help me clean the kitchen."

Cal starts to protest but then a tremor runs through my body and he tucks me closer against his side. "Okay, yah. Thanks man." He pushes back his chair and moves to his feet while keeping one of his arms secured around me. "Let's go, Emy."

My legs feel like lead while Cal helps me to my feet. Theo's fingertips graze against my neck, and I turn away from Cal to step closer to him.

"Milia." His strong arms wrap around me in a warm embrace. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I know how much he meant to you." He kisses the top of my head while I cling to him. "I'm so sorry."

There's no use in trying to speak. What would I say anyway? I just cling to him, wishing our bodies could morph together so that I could rely completely on his strength to keep myself from crumbling.

"Cal..." Theo's voice comes out in a desperate whisper over my head.

"I know," Cal agrees to whatever silent message Theo is sending him. "Stay with her. I... I got this. I'm good." The tremble in his voice tells another story.

In my peripheral, I see him straightening out his shoulders and taking a step toward the back door. I pull away from Theo to stop him. "No, Cal. Wait." I catch his arm in my hands and pull back on it to make him face me.

His stoic expression immediately crumbles into a twisted look of pain and he pulls me close for another tight hug.

"Theo, you can get them," I insist when I see the anxious way he's watching me. "I'll be okay with Cal."

Cal shakes his head and tries to step away from me. "No, Emy, I know you want Theo. And he'll be better at this. I'm just going to be a little bitch and stuck in my own head. I can keep it together in front of Monster for a little while."

"No, Cal." I refuse to let go of him. "You shouldn't have to keep it together. He was your bestfriend."

My words cause the tears in his eyes to start flowing. He stops trying to walk away from me and wraps his arms around me again. "Nawh, you were always my bestfriend, Emy," he tells me in a quiet voice. "Still are."

It's not that I don't believe him but I know that the bond he had with Justin was different. I know because the bond I had with Justin was different too. He may have been irresponsible and reckless but he loved hard, and he always tried to pick his friends up when they were feeling down—even if his methods weren't exactly healthy.

The guilt over not being there for him when he was feeling down sneaks up on me with a vengeance.

Is this my fault? Adam warned me, years ago, that Justin and I were a bad idea. Why didn't I listen? He was a mess the last time I saw him and I didn't check in on him. Not even once. I didn't even unblock his number until I wanted to yell at him last night.