maerdyad

flooD

i cried
last night.

i finally
cried.









is what
i would say

if
i did
actually
cry.



i still can't
for some reason.



its fine.
it's just weird.








i would like to say i cried though.



i would like to say

that i cried about them,


and that i'm finally over them,

and i understand they weren't meant for me,

they weren't the amazing person that i made them out to be,

and we didn't even have much in common anyway.


i don't even think about them nowadays,

at all.

i used to think about then daily,
and reminisce on all the good days we had.


they weren't the greatest person,

but they were still

an decent human being,

and im so so grateful for that.




i hope they're doing okay.

they deserve to be happy.

i really hope they're happy.




i hope they read this some day too.










i would like to say i cried about her,

and how she never really was a great friend to me.

she said she cared,

and she said once she loved me,

she said she understood me,

she was always there by my side.



but she didn't.

she didn't
really
100%
care.


you can 'be there' for someone

and listen.

but to actually,

truly

care.

devote yourself

to make sure

someone is okay,

and to just

care about their well being and listen.



that's a skill only few have





i hope she reads this some day too.


not so she can suffer through what i've had to deal with,

(or rather, what i am dealing with),

but so she can understand how much she really did hurt me,

how many months,

of pure hell,

and rain,

and hail,

she's made me have to live through.

and i hope she reads this so she can understand why i said those things the way i said them,

and why im the way i am.



i hope she knows i don't think anymore that shes an amazing goddess who knows all right from wrong.

i dont think shes a great person.

she might have her moments,

where she cares about her friends

and she is a good friend,

but it's clear she never truly cared about me.



she had to take a break,

because i was annoying her.

but i know she doesn't care,

because she left,

and never looked back.











i would like to say i cried about you

and all the things that have happened recently.

all the things that led me to you,

all the things that made me love you,

all the things that led to my heartbreak over you,

and my emptiness about it.



that i'm not over you

this ghost is going to follow me,

until another night like last night happens again.

or maybe a few more nights like last night.

but thats not going away soon.


i hate that i have to be possessed by it though,

and i don't understand why i have to be possessed by it 24/7



maybe someday it'll give me my body back,
and finally leave me alone.

and i can take the sediment,
and the pebbles,
and the rocks,
and the stones,
and the boulders,

finally off my back.

im so excited for that day.








i didnt
cry about that though.

i never cried.


i would love to say all that,
but i didnt cry.








but,
either way,

i still thought about those things,
even if i didn't cry about them.