Escapism (Arthur Morgan x Reader)

Chapter: 16

YN POV:

I pat the log next to me and he sits down next to me and let out a breath I didn't know he was holding.

"I think it's about time to have a much needed talk." I stated.

"I reckon..." 

"Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry." I start. He flinched a little, barely, but I noticed it.

"You? Sorry? What on earth for?" He seemed a little taken aback.

"I am...I have my family on the ranch I can always turn back to, my name ain't on a flyer, I have options...Yet still I decided to insert myself into your dangerous way of life after you had persistently tried to make me leave. I was stubborn. I realize that I didn't heed your warnings and decided to go anyway. Then when it all falls apart I'm the one trying to drag you outa of it with me, so I understand, I was being a bit pushy and unfair." I sigh.

"Sweetheart, you coming to the gang is the one thing I don't regret, even if your stubborn ass didn't listen to me." He assured. I breath deeply,

"Look, I of all people now owe YOU an apology. I said some ugly things in the heat of the moment. I need to assure you now, you ain't stupid. Stubborn maybe, but you are one of the smartest girls I know."

"But that's not all- Thank you I mean, your apology means a lot, but the problem is how you made me feel. I am only trying to get you to leave because...well....it's like I'm watching you kill yourself, Arthur...I don't" I felt the sting form in my eye and I pause to take a deep shaky breath to restart...dammit I'm not gonna cry this time,

"I just didn't want to see you die at the hands of a man descending in insanity...his reckless actions has cost us all lives that were important, it just...it seems like a death wish to me from my point of view. You arguing with that, it made me feel like you didn't care about your life. It's hard to care for someone that don't much care for himself." I murmur. He raises his index finger like he's gonna speak, but I cut him off again.

"Look. I've done some thinking at the reservation. All I will say is, I'm done convincing, meddling, and anything more, I want you but...I can't keep going back to that camp, I don't feel safe there. So...I'm leaving." I finalize. 

I look into his empty eyes, I am scanning for an inch of emotion but I see none, I can't read him for the life of me. He is silent, as if lost in thought.

I knew it. I get up and brush my dress off. I hear a hiccup sound and I turn back, trying to blink away tears. It was Arthur morgan on the log, his eyes red and a single tear fallen. 

I was shocked. Just how long has this man held in his sadness, his tears, his emotions. I sat back down.

"Arthur I-" I was unsure but he shook his head.

"Don't look at me, M' pathetic." He allows another tear to fall. The crack in his voice sent shiver down my spine. It was raunchy. Unfamiliar.

"It's ok to have emotions Arthur." I remind.

"It ain't for me, it's fucking weak." He growled almost.

"It is when you hold it in for so damn long....do you...can I?" I usher my arms up offering a hug,  He wraps his big arms around me and buries his face into the nook of my shoulder, hot tears staining the green collar. We sat for what felt like centuries.

"I can't seem to keep the people I love in my life. My mama died when I was a kid...my daddy was no good, saw him hang...my girlfriend and our kid....they both dead from a robbin, my last girl don't want me for who I am..." He lists into the strands of my hair. I rub soothing circles on his back,