MULTIFANDOM ONESHOTS

MY BEAUTY. YOURS OR MINE?

A/N Hello! Sorry for such a long period of silence. But as always I got some gut-wrenching ideas for you. The last weeks haven't been easy and the amount of stress I've been under is unbearable. I hope you can understand. But this story is very personal because it summons up all of my past month's thoughts and stuff. I struggle with my body image and sometimes want to cover up my mirrors or myself. But please remember that these feelings pass and you are more than your looks <3.

////////////////////////////////////////////////

TW! This story mentions starvation, body image issues, calories. If that is a trigger for you please do not read this.

///////////////////////////////////////////////

What do I have to complain about? I'm pretty, aren't I? I can jump and run. You would describe me as an active person. But it's the voices and the thoughts inside of me that creep me out. I suppose it all might be a way of being dramatic and whining, in your eyes, at least.

"Oh, yeah, but I've tried to give you every opportunity you've wanted."

"It all comes down to how bad you want it."

"I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, but be disciplined."

Could you stop for a second? All of you - just shut the fuck up already. All you ever talk about around me is food. All I ever hear about is its calories and fats and the sugar and protein it contains. Let me be crystal clear - I don't want to hear about it.

You might wonder: "Why? Why don't you want to know about things you put in your body?". Here's your answer: it's a trigger for me.

You have no idea about all the nights behind my mirror. You have no idea about all the mornings where I've skipped eating or all the moments before stepping out of the house, checking if my stomach was sucked in or flat enough. You've got no idea about all the times I've looked at pictures of myself and wanted to die because of how I looked. You don't understand the pain of being in a room where everyone's built like a model and feeling like a troll among them. That's another type of pain that you don't understand.

You don't understand it because you've never had to go through it before. You don't know it because you're the person who makes me feel like a troll next to you. I know you don't mean it, but it hurts.

Oh, God, it hurts so much. But it doesn't affect you. You say that you feel fat as well, never knowing how it feels.

Because you never had to wake up at 7 a.m. on a family vacation to go for a run with your dad. You said you didn't want to go, but the only answer you got from him was: "That way, we can enjoy a nice big breakfast."

But, daddy and mommy, does that mean I have to earn eating? If I want to enjoy an ice cream, do I have to earn it by exercise?

"Can't I eat normally?" your younger self wanted to ask your parents.

And that's where it began didn't it? In the morning, where mommy didn't eat because she wanted to lose weight. Your dad had just returned from his morning half-marathon walk, but it was only 10 a.m. You're eating pancakes that you've spread an even layer of Nutella. But then your mom makes a comment you'll carry with you your whole life: "Are you sure you want to eat that much? Especially the sugar."

You lost your appetite and wanted to starve yourself. So you go on a run to burn off all those calories you ate.

You hate your body throughout your whole childhood and teenage years.

"Honey, you are 15- you do not need to diet," you remember your mom telling you in the car when you told her you felt conscious sometimes. Both she and you were sad.

"You're eating well!" You can always do better.

"You look beautiful!" But not pretty enough.

"You are so smart!" But not smart enough.

"You are so active!" But not active enough to see results.

I'm good but not great.

I'm good, but not enough.

And I want to scream it at the top of my lungs at you. I fake every emotion and smile.

So, if I look sad, I'm just trying to understand where all this sadness began.

///////////////////////////

Love you all loads <333