A Court of Smoke and Shadow

Chapter Fourteen: Selene

I would never forget the look on their faces.

The betrayal and sadness in their eyes when I said I had prohibited them from seeing me would stay with me forever. Or at least until I got back to Prythian. Maybe then, everything would be different. I walked to my room, letting Saxon and Ashleigh go off and do their own things.

I was still in my nightgown so I just changed into something else. I threw on a black dress with an open back and pulled my hair up. I had no energy to put on makeup or do anything too dramatic with my hair. I was going to visit Everly and Roth anyways so it would be a waste to do a full face of makeup.

I was bone weary and completely exhausted but if I stayed cooped up here, I might scream. I winnowed directly to the palace of Sevón. I walked through the gates, giving the guards passing nods of hello. They reciprocated the nods and I passed through without worry.

Roth and Everly were happy to welcome me back to Sevón. The last time I'd been here, Everly had been locked in the prison tower and I was in a room that I'd completely redecorated without thought.

I asked them to make sure my brother and our Inner Circle don't come here looking for me while I was still there and they agreed. If they came looking, they'd find themselves turned away once again. I should've thought I was being cruel by refusing to see my own family but I wasn't feeling much of anything at the moment.

Maybe that said a lot about my own morals. Regardless, I wasn't willing to talk to them at the moment. I was taken back to my old room. The surfaces were pristine as if they'd just cleaned it. That small detail made me smile. They'd kept it cleaned and dusted for me.

When was the last time someone had done that for me? When I came back from "death" and everything Under the Mountain? How long ago was that? Months, maybe even a year ago. I'd lost count. I felt a sense of relief that, despite everything, there were people outside my family that genuinely cared about me.

That thought made my smile falter. Thankfully, Roth and Everly had already left and didn't notice the change in my mood. Cauldron, what was wrong with me? Why was I being so emotional? I never used to be like this.

Maybe those powders really did fuck up my head.

***

Amarantha stood over me, holding her favored whip.

I felt the sting of the lash, felt the blood drip down my back. I saw Rhys standing next to her, shame and fear flooding his features. He said nothing as Amarantha stripped me of my dignity.

Crack.

Crack.

Crack.

My ears rung with the sound of the whip hitting my back. I refused to cry. I would not break. Not for her.

When she finally got bored, I watched her lead my brother away. Watched her lead him back to that bedroom. I looked around and saw Feyre on the floor crying as Nesta and Elain were shoved in the Cauldron. I saw Cardan's body hanging from the wall where Clare's body had been nailed.

***

I woke up, screaming.

It was just a dream. A dream. You're safe.

I didn't remember falling asleep. At all. Moonlight streamed in through the window. I slept way too long for my own liking. I got here at noon and, from the slant of the moon, it was at least 10 pm. A still steaming plate of food was sitting on the desk. I stood and walked over to it. I devoured the plate in an instant before climbing back into the bed.

I didn't care to change. I just took the dress off and left it on the floor. I'd wear it again in the morning. I knew only a day had passed in Prythian. Time ran differently here in Enchantia. I was glad for an excuse to leave for a while.

As for that dream, I didn't want to dwell on it. I used to think I would be okay with losing people. I'd lost the one person who I've ever called my mother. I'd lost majority of my adoptive family barely a decade later. I knew loss very acutely.

I stared up at the ceiling and thought of all the things I had to lose.

***

After spending some time thinking things over, I decided to go back to Prythian.

It had been two days in Enchantia time, which frankly was enough for me. I didn't need too much time to sulk because then I wouldn't come out of it. I had to do something with myself or I was going to lose it. I had received no letters or messages regarding any news from Prythian so I was nervous something was happening. I hadn't been in contact with my spies lately so I really was out of the loop. I'm never this out of things.

I can't stand not being in control. Maybe I'm a narcissist or whatever. Maybe I was controlling. But when you spend most of your life feeling out of control, it feels amazing to be in control for once. If that made me a narcissist, then so be it.

I would gladly be a narcissist if it meant staying in control.

***

After a few more days in Enchantia, I went back to Prythian.

I spent the first few nights going through a horrendous withdrawal where I puked my guts up for two nights straight. I was just glad none of my friends had to see me like that. I spent those nights sleeping on the bathroom floor because I didn't feel like getting up. Needless to say, that was not my finest moment.

I packed up my bags and winnowed back to Prythian.

***

To my surprise, my family was not present to greet me.

I tried not to let that hurt, tried to not let it pain me. It didn't stop the sting of rejection, though. I shook off my bad feelings and walked into the town house. No one was in there either. Again that sting of rejection hit me like a physical blow. I walked to my room and threw my bags down on the bed.

Part of me was glad they didn't have to see me in this state. I didn't need them knowing I was faring worse than I let on. They were already disappointed in my drug use. Besides, telling them my real feelings would only prompt them to be even more watchful of me.

I didn't want them watching me like a hawk. I wasn't fragile. I was powerful and strong. No one was going to stop me from doing what I wished.

***

It took an hour before my family came back into the house.

It took me half an hour to go downstairs to join their conversations. Not because I needed to get ready - in fact I had just gone downstairs bare faced in a simple black cotton gown - but because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be around them. I didn't want to be a burden - especially since they seemed not to notice I was in the house.

Nonetheless, I walked down the stairs to meet them.