A Court of Smoke and Shadow

Chapter Nineteen: Azriel

Apparently, mortal clothes were ugly.

Selene, while as beautiful as ever, looked absurd in the vile mortal garment they called a dress. How precisely did human women wear those things? They looked like giant overturned teacups.

"Those dresses are enough to convince me to never go to the mortal world," Lucien drawled from the couch.

"I'm not sure the mortal world would know what to do with you," Feyre snorted.

"They'd have a blast, I'm sure," Selene grinned, and winked at Lucien.

He winked back and I felt a sudden rush of anger. Why would Lucien flirt with my mate? Shouldn't he be more focused on his mate? Selene glanced at me and, sensing my anger, rolled her eyes.

I knew she hated when I was overbearing, but I couldn't help it. It was my job to protect her. She was the princess of the Night Court and she could handle things herself but she was also my mate and I needed to step up my game. Selene was already pissed about me and Elain, I didn't want her to be more pissed.

***

When we left to the mortal realms, she flew herself, dutifully ignoring me. Even while meeting with Graysen and his father, she ignored me. Selene didn't even say a word to me when Jurian emerged in the doorway. She just ignored me.

It couldn't have just been over my attitude earlier. Something else was annoying her and I had no idea what it was. Selene had been fine earlier.

Maybe, a voice in my mind whispered. She's done with your bullshit. Maybe she's tired of feeling second best to Elain.

She wasn't second best to Elain. And maybe she believed that, but I didn't. She was first to me. Always. And I felt shitty for making her feel any less so.

Selene had issues with confidence as a kid, even though she would never have admitted it. When I think back, she likely had an eating disorder even then. Sometimes she'd go days without eating before Rhys, Cassian, or I would force her to eat something. She stared at herself in the mirror for hours, looking at her stomach.

It never occurred to me then that it would be a problem lasting long into the future. Was she like that in Elfhame? Enchantia? Ravka? Did anyone ever notice? Did they help her?

There were so many unasked and unanswered questions between me and Selene that I could never fill in the gaps.

***

Selene stopped ignoring me when we arrived back in Velaris.

I watched her strip out of those ugly mortal clothes and change it to something more comfortable.

"Those things looked ridiculous," she declared. "No wonder most mortal women end up unmarried."

"You made them look good," I said, shrugging.

"I look better naked."

"Is that so?" I asked. "Shall we test that theory?"

She smirked and removed the dress she'd put on.

***

It was some time in the night before we finished.

By then, dinner had been eaten and everyone was sleeping. Selene had curled up next to me and fallen asleep once we finished. I wondered for a moment what she was dreaming of. Was she dreaming of me? Or was it something else? Perhaps she dreamed of her time in Elfhame and hanging out with Cardan. Or maybe she dreamed of her dragons and her wyvern.

I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted her crazy ideas, her wild imagination, her reckless abandon, her wildest dreams. I wanted all of it. I wanted to know her inner thoughts.

If only she would let me.