Broken Vessel (AMOG Series #1)

Kabanata 29

Kabanata 29

Held

“Bee, naghihintay si Amare kanina bakit hindi mo naman niyaya?” wika ni Ysa habang naglalakad kami paalis ng coffee shop.

“Naku, may LQ kayo ni Amare, noh, Bee?” Gab teased me.

“Tsk. Wala! Tsaka, busy ako.”

“Busy? Hindi naman na tayo nag aaral ah, saan ka ba busy?” 

Hindi pa rin ako lumingon, hinayaan ko silang sundan ako habang mabilis akong naglakad papalayo.

“Ah, basta, busy ako!”

Hindi ko na alam kung bakit ako naging ganito simula nang huli usapan namin ni Amare. Sa totoo lang may iba pa akong gustong gawin kaysa makipag usap sa kaniya.

The day that I went to the coffee shop to meet Obed. I feel ecstatic, but at the same time I am nervous, and a little anger filled in me. It took a lot of patience before this day happened. I thought everything would turn out well, just like I hoped. But hearing straight from the words I refused to hear hurt me like a dagger knife. It stabs me from beyond, where nobody can see it. The wound that heals slowly gets back and bleeds again. 

I feel like I was on a cliff being dragged down and drowned. No one dared to help me... lift me up. The clay in me is slowly cracking. The longer I sit in front of him, the bigger the crack I will get. 

Hindi ko ma proseso lahat ng sinabi niya. All I can recall from what he said is only this.

“Bethany, the best thing you could do is to forget about me. Hindi ko kayang pantayan ang pagmamahal mo sa akin.”

I left my soul hanging, thinking, What did I do all this time? Hindi ko alam! I assured myself... I did everything to impress him... Even if it meant running away from God, because of distraction. I didn't mind that.

I thought loving someone who is near you was easy to do. Why does it feel so hurt and lost, Jesus?

At isa pa, bakit ba ako nangangapa ng pagmamahal? I filled so much love with everyone I loved! Why do I seem fucking obsessed to chase love?

I mean, I have... Well, nandyan pa rin naman si Mommy. But I lost contact with her. The things that you can touch her but she seems to be far away from me.

I lost connection with everyone.

And Obed is near. I reach for my bucket for him to fill it up with love. He did, actually, but took it back gradually. Why do they fill up the bucket in full if they wouldn't take the responsibility of carrying it?

When I left that coffee shop. I never knew I would see Amare. Hopes crumples my system, and without thinking, I hug him. Why do I feel so safe and peaceful whenever Amare is everywhere? The feeling where, at the point of my storm... He is the rainbow on it.

“Adri...” He called as if he knew what to do.

I cried on his chest. I burst it out. I know Amare won't judge me. I know he will let me cry whenever I want. He won't invalidate my feelings.

I was thinking maybe this is my karma? For everything I did. Na pinapaasa ko ang mga lalaking nagkakagusto sa akin noon? Baka ito na ang balik. 

“Obed already ended everything, Amare. He ended it up! And it's hurt me a lot! I'm hurt! I am hurting!” And I wept more.

Another wound has bled.

I can feel in his eyes that he is in pain too. Just like I always see in him whenever he sees me cry.