𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 ᴛᴋ

43

JUNGKOOK

The thudding in my brain was no way calming down. That heaviness in my chest clawing at me. Asking me to let it out. To break, to ruin, to destroy. It's been only worsening these past few days. I don't know what's happening to me. I get triggered at small things, I am almost always agitated. Hell I even feel angry seeing someone smile. I am that fucked up!

It never was this bad before. What's happening to me?Am I ever going to be okay? Or is it only going to get worse from here? I went to the doctor. To only have him increase my dose. He says an incident may have triggered it to worsen. And I know somehow.

My condition worsened because I came in contact with the very reason of why this all started. That I started living with him Smiling and enjoying with him Taking care and loving him My Taehyung. That I started getting accustomed to something I couldn't afford. His love. Which I never deserved.

I wanted to laugh at the timing though. It's like heavens are mocking at me. When I thought everything was going to be alright? That I also document love deserved love. That I can finally tell the stupid boy that I was having feelings for him Did I lost all the hope. I am literally a trigger bomb now.

I can't work in office without firing people. Dad is dissapointed in me. I can't concentrate on work.
My head aches almost all the time. I want to punch, I want to hit at things, I want to hurt my own self. Can I also hurt the ones I care? Will I hurt Tae? And that thought alone. Has made me shut myself from him I sneak in to his room to stare at his sleeping form.

I sip from the coffee mug he leaves on the counter. I stare at him almost all day in the cctv. But I don't come in front of him Afraid to see fear in his innocent eyes. Afraid too loose even the right to stare at him from the shadows like this. And it was going well.

Untill today. When he was waiting outside my door for answers. Yet what I gave him were nothing but disasters. I tried to walk past. To warn him, to avoid him. But his words? The way he is so adamant and catches my lies so easily. Declaring so bravely him love for me, without knowing my worst side. Made me see red.

It brought out the worst in me. I seriously don't know what happened next, what all I said just to hurt him To make him hate me. My anger was clouding my rationality. Words no longer my own. My actions out of control The throbbing in my head was like a burning ache.

Which needed to be quenched. I felt like hitting my head on a wall, frustrated of the pains. The massive energy in me desperate for a vent out. For a release. And it did release, but in the worst way possible.
I didn't wanted to hurt him, yet I did just that. I became what I feared, a monster. The throbbing in my head was coming down. That ringing in my ears subsiding. As I continue to thrust in him I have lost the count.It felt too good. Almost calming my mind.
I was just letting it out senselessly. When suddenly like a bucket of cold water thrown on one's head I wake up to reality. When I realise his to be unresponsive. His moans no longer echoing around, my name no longer on his lips. His arms not wrapped around me, rather laying still by him side. And that's when raw fear enters like I never felt before.

Turning him around to only stare at his face. Fuck! What have I done? he was unconscious or rather asleep. His face serene. And body worn out, unable to calm my insatiable monsters.

Jk: Doll?

Pulling him up to only find his limp form fall on my chest. Cupping his face in my trembling hands, I felt afraid. Shit! How can I be so blind! I did it...he was afraid of me...his lips didn't say but his eyes? They were telling me....how much he was hurting. My gaze travels lower and that was it. I felt ashamed of myself.

There were hickeys on his neck, down till his chest. he looked sore down there. I could see my fingerprints on his thighs from my tight grip on Him And I couldn't help trace them. Fuck! Did I did all this to him? No....how? How can I be so blind? And that's it. I couldn't see them anymore. Laying him on the bed. I look at him one last time