Another Chance

How Do I Breathe

Janet POV

I could barely function without Darius. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. I swore to myself that I wouldn't fall in love with anyone again. Things weren't the same with him gone. I got so used to him next to me holding and comforting me at night. Who would have thought that he'd get to me so quickly in such a short amount of time. 

I had my friends, but with Darius he was on a level that I knew I could confide in him and he would do whatever he could to make sure I was okay and good. Without me even saying anything he knew what I was feeling. I don't know why I let things go the way that they did. Well I did, I had my reasons. Reasons that my friends didn't agree with.

Overall some good did come from the situation now that everything was settling down. I got full custody of Eissa and Wissam was in jail. I couldn't believe he had been watching me as long as he was. It made sense why he didn't bother me during all that time. I wasn't with anyone. When saw me with Darius, he just lost it with the thought that I may be having sex with someone else. Joey showed me all the evidence he had before he turned it in to the police. Wissam had cameras set up and everything. Thankfully he didn't have anything too intimate of Darius and I, but there pictures of us at the club, the park, carnival when we took Eissa, me at shows, having dinner with friends. There were pics of us kissing and Darius groping my ass, but nothing more than that. 

My therapist of course said that I needed to contact Darius and be up front and honest with him about my feelings now that things had settled. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had already hurt him too much. I knew he wouldn't take me back now. Too much had happened at this point. 

A lot that should have been said wasn't. If I just would have just been honest with him he'd still be here with me. If I wasn't so scared he'd be here with me. If I would have told him how I was feeling and what he meant to me. He wasn't to blame for anything and I knew it was all me. I just kept thinking of him day and night. 

I continued therapy which helped me to get through what I had previously been through. And therapy did really help me get through the latest trauma that was brought up dealing with Wissam and the most recent stuff. Randy and Gil were right about that. I knew it would be an ongoing thing though and I wouldn't be good overnight.

She pointed out that Darius' unconditional love is what really brought me out from the isolation and depression that I had been going through. I didn't even realize it until she mentioned it. I thought I was good with it just being Eissa and I, but she pointed out that I was secluding and detaching myself from reality. She noted that being with him made me love myself more.

I missed him so bad I couldn't sleep. If he would've known my feelings for him, I'm sure he'd be here with me. I was driving myself insane. I know I was driving Gil and Pres crazy with how distant I was being. Even my besties couldn't get me outta my funk.

I spent the holidays with family, so that was a pleasant and nice experience for Eissa. My family can get kinda crazy when we were together. We still acted like little kids with my mom. It was still hard with Michael gone, but we managed. So it was a good distraction, but it only lasted a little while. 

Now I was by myself again. It was almost unbearable. I detangled my bra-length dark curls and put them up in a huge bun. I sighed looking in the mirror. The bruises that Wissam caused had long faded now. It was just my heart that was hurting and bruised and trying to heal. There were dark circles forming under my large brown eyes. My brown skin looked sallow. I had been overworking myself trying to forget the issues I caused between Darius and I. 

Tasha was harassing the hell outta me about coming to Italy with her. And my other friend Chris wanted me to go to Spain and Portugal with her for the last part of the girls trip. Hopefully I'd get some sun and sleep while there. I absentmindedly packed my bag for Italy. Tasha was on her way to come and get me. She knew if she didn't, I wouldn't go. Afterwards Preston wanted to go to New York Fashion Week. He had already asked the guys if they wanted to go minus Darius. He knew I wasn't ready to face him...not yet. We were also planning Preston's wedding that was happening soon. It was a lot of things going on in my world. Things that I should have been excited for. So many good things were happening to my really good friends. Instead I was just sad. Like I said therapy was at least helping some and I was able to face a lot of things that I had long buried deep down.