I couldn't believe she was serious! After I ran up there to see her at the hospital, she pushed me away. Again! Something else had to be going on. There had to be a reason. A better reason than what she gave me. It seemed like something deeper than what she told me. What was said wasn't true. What she told me isn't true. I know her. A lot of what she told me was bullshit. She doesn't think I do, but I do know her more than she thinks.
She ended up in the hospital because of that nigga and she couldn't tell me all what was going on. She told me a little, but she withheld so much more. That part really upset me. I felt like she couldn't trust me. Which in turn made me not trust her. It hurt me to see her banged up and bruised like she was. But I also felt like she just left me out there and only took care of herself.
I knew Joey didn't want her to tell me everything, but she could have if she really wanted. I thought we were together, but she clearly didn't think so. That whole situation...I can't believe he tried to kidnap Eissa. The crazy feeling that I had when I heard that it happened... I knew then that I for sure loved that little boy.
I know she loves me. She actually said she loved me. I don't think she even realized she said it in her sleep. And that's why she was so surprised when I brought it up. I always felt it in her kiss, touch, and the way she looked at me. I knew she loved me before she did. When I did kiss her, I knew it'd be the last time. But there was so much more that could and needed to be said, but we didn't. I didn't. Why didn't I? Fear of rejection? She already rejected me. What more did I have to lose at that point? My dignity? Self respect?
My pops was right the whole time. I should have listened when he warned me. I kept my word to myself even though it was hard. I kept myself busy with dance classes and hangin out with friends. But ain't gonna lie I missed her. That woman was my everything. I missed her that much. I missed her touch and kiss. I missed Eissa. I wasn't gonna be the one. I had already put myself out there when I told her I loved her. And I felt she basically just threw it back in my face.
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We finished the second leg of the tour. It actually went pretty well. We were now getting ready for some one-offs in the spring that were a continuation of the tour. Janet and I haven't spoken to each other since before Christmas. And then when we did it was really for just show purposes and someone was always around. We were never together alone. She was my boss only and that's where the line was drawn.
Everyone in our crew knew we weren't together anymore, but no one said anything or questioned why. I'm sure they were curious, but just didn't ask. Surprisingly, Gil and Joey seemed to take it the hardest that we weren't together. I never saw that coming. Guero and I spoke so he was one of the few that knew all of the details. I trusted him and we talked often. He was a really good friend I knew I could trust him other than Tariq.
I wasn't sure if she would let me dance on her upcoming tour that she had recently announced. Guero told me he heard that I was, but I wasn't so sure. I mean with everything that happened, I wouldn't have been upset and it would have been expected.
