He's got the whole world in his hands | Jeongin

Chapter ten

How were you supposed to explain to someone that you didn't believe in something they believed in for their entire life? How were you even supposed to start up that conversation? Minsi sat in the back seat of the steady vehicle. Minho was up front with Han in the passenger's seat. 

She didn't know where they were going, Minho just told her to get in. Quite frankly, she didn't care where they went. She didn't even care if she never went home again. Home was where the heart is, supposedly. When was the last time that she remembered what her heart wanted? 

College was a paradise compared to this. Growing up, her mother seemed to circle her like a hawk. Always do this and always do that. Always pray before your meals and thank God when your life goes right. If it's slipping sideways, pray anyway, God'll hear and help you. 

But what if those prayers went unheard and unanswered? 

Whose fault was it really? Was it God's for never responding? Was it Minsi's, for not having enough faith? Was it Nari's fault for not instilling enough faith in her daughter? It'd always circle back around in an unanswered loop. Fingers were pointed at one another, but there never seemed to be a proper answer. 

She shifted and a sigh fell from her nose. The back seats of the leather car were far more familiar than she remembered. Sitting in the back of Minho's vehicle was something she was used to. She didn't mind the backseat and Han always called shotgun. 

The four door panels were filled with memories of laughter and angry rambles about professors. There was always something to do in the big city. Minho and Han's apartment wasn't far away, but they still always picked her up from her dorm. The three of them were stuck together like glue. 

According to them, Minho and Han met during the first week of college. The two of them quite literally bumped into each other. Han dropped his book bag and Minho stumbled back into a metal pole. Minho joked that hitting the metal pole caused brain damage and that's why he befriended Han. Han would always roll his eyes, brush off Minho's teasing, and insist it was because he offered to buy Minho food afterward as an apology. 

Minsi had seen them on campus, but she hadn't interacted with them until the time around their holiday break. Fall slipped into winter and the campus was adorned with a blanket of fresh soft snow. The temperature dropped and students were finishing up their plans to depart home. 

Some students were staying at campus and others were going back home to their families. Han and Minho ended up becoming roommates on campus, they switched their original roommates. After talking it out, they both decided to stay on campus. Going home meant a long drive and with the impending doom of a swirling snow storm, it wasn't worth the risk. 

Minsi forced herself to talk to her mother. Her mother wanted her to come home, but she had other plans. Staying at the campus would be far more productive than heading home. She knew she'd be dragged off to Sunday services. Being caught up in church dinners was a pastime that she would rather forget. 

Besides, there were whispers of a party swirling around the dorms. She always wanted to go, but she never had the courage. After finding out the location from a friend of a friend, she went and then...

Minho glanced back in the rearview mirror at the sound of a sniffle. Han stopped talking once he noticed Minho turn his head and glance over his shoulder. Another sniffle sent both of them on high alert. 

"Minsi?" Han spoke up, trying to catch her attention. 

In the backseat, she didn't respond. The cool glass of the window pressed against her forehead. The way she was angled, part of her reflection stared back at her. Minho reached a hand between his seat and Han's and he lightly tapped her leg. 

"Huh?" Minsi's head snapped towards the pair. Her eyes met Minho's darkened ones in the mirror. His eyebrows were scrunched up in concern. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Uh-huh." 

"Are you sure you're not crying?" Han added on. "Because it sounded like you were-" 

She shook her head. "Nah, it's just my sinuses. Maybe Father Yang gave me a cold instead of the holy spirit." 

Han laughed, but the frown didn't leave Minho's face. He glanced back at her again and she slid down in her seat. He couldn't help, but assume that's not what really happened. Something was bothering her, but she wasn't going to tell them. It wasn't the first time this happened, but Minho still hated it. 

Minsi tended to be sheltered about her feelings. The two knew about her mother and he supposed that it was her way of protecting herself. If nobody knew what was going on, nobody could lecture her about it. 

"We're here if you ever want to talk, you know?" Minho put his attention back on the road. His fingers curled around the wheel tighter and, without realizing it, his foot tapped down onto the gas pedal. 

"I know." 

A heavy silence engulfed the car before Han leaned over and flicked on the radio. When some rap song came on, he bobbed his head and began softly rapping along. It wasn't much of a surprise, considering he studied music production. 

Minsi's arms curled around her body and she sank further into her seat. Minho glanced back with another worried look, but he remained silent. He'd have to give her time and maybe she'd talk about it, at least, he hoped. 

She shut her eyes as memories of that night came back to her in full force. The first year of college. The first year of freedom and liberation. It was supposed to be a year full of good memories, great friends, and maybe a boyfriend. 

Her dignity wasn't supposed to shatter at some frat party and she certainly wasn't meant to collapse in the three foot deep blanket of snow. Covered in the remnants of beer-laced kisses, messy hair, and bruised hips. Reddened fingernail indentations were still burning with the raw sensation of pain. 

Despite the chilly air and her bare feet, every part of her soul felt like it was on fire.