He's got the whole world in his hands | Jeongin

Chapter twenty-nine

"Hey, wait! Wait up!" Minsi cried out. Her arms pumped and she rushed after the hooded figure heading down the campus sidewalk. Her backpack, full of papers and folders, bounced painfully against her back.

Changbin's head was down when he heard the voice. He paused at the sound of thudding footsteps with furrowed eyebrows. After a few moments and the notice of a few girls ahead, he resumed his walking. He assumed whoever was behind him was speaking to them.

He only made it a few feet when Minsi stepped in front of him breathlessly. Finally, she could see his face. The rounded cheeks and stern face caused tension to build within her, but she forced herself to ignore it. "I-I really," she sucked in a deep breath, "need to talk to you about Suki."

Changbin stepped to the side, but so did she. Flooded with annoyance, his nostrils flared, and he stepped the other way. Minsi blocked his path again and his fists curled into balls. "What the fuck do you want? Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone?"

"Because I used to know Suki!" She uttered breathlessly. "Please, I-I'm not trying to bother you, I-"

"Well, you are!"

"I used to be friends with her."

"She's never talked about you."

"You don't even know my name."

"Everyone knows you, Minsi Park. Your mother is the annoying twat that you popped out of. She struts around Providence like a goddamn peacock and there's a reason why multiple people hate her. They hate you too, by the way. Suki's dead anyway, so just leave me the fuck alone!"

He tried to push past her, but she jerked back a step. "Please! If you answer my questions, I'll leave you alone, I promise! I swear, I'll never speak to you ever again."

"Spit it out!"

"That night we were playing with the ouija board and I-"

"Don't bring up the stupid fucking board!" His voice raised. "The stupid board had nothing to do with Suki taking her own life!"

"She would have nev-"

It was a total shock when the anger disappeared from Changbin's face. The scowl morphed into a look of total defeat. His shoulders slumped and a glassiness began to appear in his eyes. "Don't say that," he weakly whispered. "Don't say she wouldn't have because you had no idea of the silent demons she was fighting."

Flashes of that summer came back to her like snippets of film. The joy of finding baby bunnies. Their soft squeaks and noises with their closed eyes. The way they wiggled in their small hands while they were being fed.

"Suki had depression."

The two of them used to chase butterflies beneath bright blue skies. The trees were nurtured with the laughter of girlhood. Before ticks and lyme disease became a huge discussion, they were always barefoot or wore flip flops. The bottoms of their feet were stained green for days after hours of fun in the sun.

"I tried to get her help," his voice wobbled, "I-I tried to get her to go to therapy. A few days before she took her own life, she seemed so happy. She smiled more, she kissed me more, she seemed so much lighter, but she wasn't. The cops found dated drafts of suicide notes in her dorm room."

When it rained, the two of them would try to run between the drops. It never worked and they always ended up soaked. Their clothes dripped with water and they'd jump into the biggest puddles they could find. Minsi's mom made them wash off with the hose before they came inside and watched movies.

"For once, I thought things were going to be okay between us. While I was going to bed and dreaming about our future, she was writing suicide notes and contemplating her own death. This had nothing to do with the board and everything to do with her brain. My beautiful and intelligent girlfriend, the light of my life, fell victim to her own darkness."

When Suki scraped open her knee one day, Minsi was hit with the realization of just how fragile humans were. One moment the wind was shoving their hair behind their heads. They were unstoppable as their thighs burned and they pedaled faster and faster. A twig got caught beneath Suki's tire and she lost her balance.

The bike jerked and she flew off the side. Minsi was behind her and watched the whole thing happen. She remembered the unmistakable sound of Suki's skin grating against the concrete, the sound of her scream, and the crocodile tears in her eyes. Blood seeped down her leg and it stained the sidewalk. The sight of it made Minsi feel woozy and she nearly blacked out from shock.

"So please, just leave me alone. I don't want to talk about Suki. I don't want to be reminded that I failed as her boyfriend. I could talk her through everything, but I could never free her from the voices in her own head. I have to get to my lecture. I mean it, leave me alone or I'll get campus security involved."

He sniffled, wiped his arm along his nose, and rushed around her. His heavy footsteps thudded away as his muscular frame disappeared from sight. Minsi was left standing speechless and in shock. Suki was gone. Suki was gone and there was nothing she could do.

They'd never rescue another bunch of baby bunnies. There'd be no more butterflies to run after. No more lightning bugs. No more bike competitions. No more painting each other's nails, trying to scare each other with ghost stories, and no more green stained grass.

The two girls had gone in drastically different routes in life. Suki was supposed to be the one that went far. She was supposed to make a difference in people's lives. She was the better of the two. Smarter, more outgoing, one that bled compassion and empathy. Minsi wasn't supposed to be the one who carried the guilt of living alone.

She should have done better. She should have done more. She should have reached out sooner and tried to rekindle that relationship. If she had, would Suki still be here? Would she still be conquering her dreams? Would she have finished college, married Changbin, and started to forge her own future?

It was a jackhammer to Minsi's heart. It drilled deeper and deeper and deeper. Her own tears began to fill her eyes and she quickly wiped them away at the sound of a familiar voice.

"I told you that you should leave him alone. Can't you see that he's hurting? What good will it do to try and rip open that scabbing wound?"

When she looked up, she found Hyunjin observing her with a sketchpad in his arms. His own book bag was slung over one shoulder. He looked almost amused at her suffering and she didn't like it. She shook her head, dropped it, and started to walk past him.

"You should really take his advice," Hyunjin called after her. "You'd be surprised what people can do when they're grieving. Take Suki for example, she took her own life."

Minsi wanted to turn around and yell at him. She wanted to take that sketchbook from his hands and slam it across the side of his head, but what good would it do? Break his golden glasses, maybe, but it wouldn't help her like she wanted it to.

Instead of arguing, she kept walking and tried to wrap her head around her former friend's suicide.