He's got the whole world in his hands | Jeongin

Chapter seventy-six

Time was all a grand illusion. It didn't exist and Jeongin wasn't sure that it'd ever exist again. He stroked Minsi's damp hair. After sitting in shock for who knew how long, he gently tugged her into his lap. He couldn't stop talking to her and apologizing. 

"Maybe if I would have admitted it, you would have lived," he finally spoke after a few minutes of silence. "You would have been an amazing forensic psychologist. I could have told you everything, but would you have turned me in? I don't know and now I guess I'll never know." 

"I was a stupid kid," he continued. "A stupid and jealous kid and I hated Daeyung. It doesn't surprise me that you talked to him via ouija board. He was the kind of person who looked out for other people. I'll never know, but he probably tried to look out for you. He probably tried to steer you clear of me. Maybe we're both guilty in this situation." 

"I didn't plan on ever killing another person. I already feel so guilty for Daeyung's death. It haunts me late at night. You started to haunt me too. I think I knew deep down that you would find out. I began to see you at times that didn't make sense. I saw Daeyung too." 

He gently pressed a piece of wet hair out of her face. "I'm so sorry that I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry that I killed you. I-I didn't mean to. I just..." He trailed off trying to find a way to atone for his sins. "Maybe I didn't want to remember." 

"I've done everything I could to make that day disappear. I still remember the way it felt as the car bounced over his body. When he began to sob, I panicked and freaked out. I was sure our parents would appear and I didn't want to get in trouble. I always seemed to get in trouble at the hands of Daeyung." 

"He was a good kid, but I wasn't a good brother. I never wanted another sibling to begin with. It makes me feel better to blame my parents. If I put the blame on them, I don't feel the weight of the guilt most of the time. Sometimes it hits and I keep reminding myself that they did this. They should have parented me better." 

A hand found her cheek. Every minute he sat with her, the more the warmth of her body faded. He didn't like how stiff and rubbery her body was beginning to turn, but he couldn't stop it. He didn't know much about death, but he knew the body went through changes. 

"I hope you can meet him wherever you end up. I think the two of you could get along. You should have known someone like him instead of someone like me. You didn't deserve this and I didn't deserve you. You were too naive for your own good, Minsi. You can't always trust someone because they're kind to you." 

His eyes slipped shut and his hand cupped her cheek. "Now that you're like this, I'm not quite sure what to do with you. I can't just easily dispose of your body. Dropping you in the woods is too easy. I think you'd be found easily if I put you in a body of water. Besides, I don't feel right doing that after I..." He trailed off. 

"God? It's me again and I could really use your help. I screwed up again and I'm sorry. Daeyung, if you're listening, I'm sorry too. Neither you or Minsi deserved to die. I should have been a better man. A better brother. A better significant other. A better son. I could be a lot of things and I'm going to try." 

His arms wrapped around Minsi's torso and he scooped her closer into his body. He tucked her head into his chest. The pair sat on the floor in front of the holy water basin. Up on the small stage, he hadn't bothered to move her body. It was pointless and would only get the floor more wet. 

"God, are you listening to me? I didn't have any plans to do this a second time. Maybe Minsi was right. Maybe something really was wrong with my brain. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. There's nothing else to say, honestly." 

His chin drooped to sit on the top of Minsi's head. "I really did love you. I didn't want to break up with you. I was being selfish and I could have made it work. We could have left after you graduated. We could have been something more than a priest and a corpse." 

He wanted her forgiveness. He wanted her to respond, but she never did. He was still in a bit of denial and didn't want to admit that he killed her. He had no idea what he'd tell anyone now. He had to come up with something quick and make it work. 

He shut his eyes and focused on Minsi. Even if she was gone, he still cared about her. He still cared about her body and wanted a way to memorialize her. She played such a role in his life, he didn't want to throw it away. He began to hum and slowly rock his body when his head jerked straight upright. 

Finally, he had an idea.