Miara's Mistakes: Part Two

(199) August 30, 2020

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Miara's POV

Hindi ko alam kung anong oras na pero siguradong maaga na. Madilim pa rin ang paligid ngunit maya-maya ay lalabas na rin ang araw.

Kanina pa kami tahimik na nakaupo ni Primo. I already told him to sleep, but he refused. Aniya na sasamahan niya 'ko kahit pa magdamag kami rito.

He would yawn from time-to-time and he would try to hide it. I tried pretending to fall asleep on his shoulder, hoping he'd leave me and transfer to his bed, but he was too smart to be fooled.

"I know you can't sleep, Miara," he said matter-of-factly. "Do you need some time alone—"

"Hindi, please..." bago pa niya matapos ang sasabihin ay napahawak na ako sa braso niya.

Kagat-labi kong inalis ang mga kamay ngunit hinawakan niya ang mga iyon at binalik sa braso niya.

"You can hold on to me, Miara. I'll stay here," he said in an assuring tone.

Sa totoo lang, gusto kong magtanong nang magtanong sa kaniya. Gusto kong maniguradong gusto niya ngang nandito siya sa tabi ko.

I mean... yes, I told him that I didn't want to be left alone. Na gusto kong nandito siya sa tabi ko. At alam ko ring siya na mismo ang nagsabi na mananatili siya rito sa tabi ko.

Ngunit kahit ganoon ay may kung anong pangamba sa puso't isipan ko.

What if he's only staying by my side because he feels like he doesn't have the choice? What if napipilitan lang siya? What if naaawa lang siya sa 'kin? What if ayaw niya talaga ngunit nahihiya lang tumanggi.

It's understandable for people to not want to get involved in other people's problems. At 'yon din ang iniisip ko. Baka nga gusto niya 'ko pero ayaw niyang madamay sa mga problema ko? Kung ganoon nga, maiintindihan ko.

And it's weird. Because I know that I like having him beside me. It feels so great that I am not spending this long night on my own. Ang sarap at ang gaan sa pakiramdam na may kasama. Pero kahit ganoon ay naiisip ko pa rin ang mga bagay-bagay na 'yon.

It feels weird to be loved.

I have always craved for this feeling—and for this very moment. I used to just dream and wish for this after I read or watched a romance fiction. I always wondered how it would feel like; how it would feel like to finally have someone.

And now, I'm here. I'm finally in that moment I used to aspire about. I imagined it would feel so damn beautiful and magical.

But then I forgot that this isn't my usual. This isn't my everyday life. This isn't how I was treated growig up.

It's weird... because this isn't what I'm used to.

Hindi ako sanay na may kasama. I can't even comprehend the idea that someone—or even anyone—would want to spend the night with me in depressing silence instead of resting.

My mind cannot grapple at the very fact that someone is here. Primo is here with me. That at this very moment, I am experiencing my usual in an unusual way.

The equation for my nightmares was always me + worries + fake scenarios + past + tears + sweat + nausea + coldness. But now, there's Primo in it.

It's weird. But it's the kind of weird I'm willing to welcome into my life despite the initial discomfort it entails.

"Primo," I called in a whisper. I was hoping he'd be asleep by now.

He turned to me and shifted his weight. Inaakbayan niya pa rin ako habang nakasandal ang ulo ko sa kaniyang balikat.