Miara's Mistakes: Part Two

(217) - September 6, 2020

Confession

Masuyong hinahaplos ni Miara ang buhok ni Primo. Nakaupo sila sa mahabang sofa at nakaunan ang ulo ni Primo sa kaniyang hita habang mahigpit na niyayakap ang kaniyang baywang.

No matter what she did, Primo wouldn't look at her. His silent sob is breaking her heart. Parang pinipiga ang puso niya na makitang ganito ang lalaki.

But at the same time, she couldn't help but feel honored. Hindi maipagkakaila na mas madalang umiyak ang mga lalaki. Or at least, they have the tendency to hold their tears back and pretend they're okay.

After all, society labels men as ruthless and emotionless. To be seen with emotions is a sign of weakness for men.

But that's not really the case. No matter which gender a person identifies with, emotions are part of human nature. It's what makes us human and has nothing to do with gender and sex.

Of all people, Miara knows how it feels to be deprived of feeling one's emotions. She knows how suffocating it is to shut your mouth and keep everything inside when all you want to do is to let it all out. She knows how buried resentment resurfaces and strengthens over time when not handled correctly.

And of all people, she knows how it feels to be freed from the weight of it all by just simply letting herself feel the emotions she learned to ignore.

Not all emotions need to be articulated into words. But sometimes, humans are so constricted that they can't even allow themselves to feel the emotions. Minsan, 'yan lang naman ang kinakailangan—ang hayaan ang sarili na maramdaman ang samu't saring emosyon. Minsan hindi naman kailangan ng kung anong aksyon kundi damahin lang talaga.

But Primo is one of the few... he allowed himself to be vulnerable and to feel the pain. Hindi man ito makatingin sa kaniya pero masaya siya na hindi na pinatagal ng lalaki ang pagtago ng mga nararamdaman nito.

If he did, he would go through what Miara went through. And it's not a nice and safe place to be at.

"I'm hurt, Miara," bulong nito, hindi pa rin inaangat ang tingin sa kaniya. "I want to do something... but I also can't..."

They stayed in that position for a few minutes. Miara could feel his heart slowly calming down and he eventually got up. Pinahiran nito ang namumula niyang mukha bago hinarap si Miara.

"Hey..." he smiled at her as if nothing happened.

Ngumiti pabalik si Miara at saka inakbayan ang lalaki. Hinalikan nito ang balikat niya na nagpakiliti naman sa kaniya.

"There's still another thing that I want to tell you," anito sa seryosong boses bago umayos ulit ng upo.

"Miara," tawag nito na ikinakaba naman ng isa. His tone says it all and it's making her insides churn.

Primo sighed, like he's still contemplating whether he should tell her or not.

"When I found out that Cleo cheated, I let my anger and disappointment out to my siblings. I would slam the door to their faces when they were only trying to bring me food... I would shout... I would give them the cold treatment... I hurt them, Miara."

Napayuko ulit ito, hindi na naman makatingin sa kaniya. Miara placed her hands on each sides of his face, then gently lifting his head up so their eyes would meet.

Napalunok si Primo at nag-iwas ulit ng tingin. "When I'm hurt, I have the tendency to hurt those who are trying to console me... I'm not proud of what I did nor am I feeling enthusiastic in telling these to you."

"Then why are you telling me these, Primo?" She has an idea on why he didn't want to share these to her in the first place... and why he still chose to do so despite that.

Primo sighed again before leaning forward. He rested his forehead on hers. "Because I don't want that to happen to us, Miara. I am hurting right now and I'm aware enough to know my tendencies. I don't want to inflict you pain just because I'm hurting."

Miara smiled and gently pulled him for a hug. Primo stilled for a second but eventually hugged her back.

This is the difference between the good and bad ones. The good ones are worried whether they're good or not. They're not perfect, but they try to continuously assess their actions and make improvements to avoid the same mistakes.

But those who aren't, they don't care at all.

"Miara," bulong nito at mas hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa kaniya. "Please tell me if my situation is affecting you and our relationship... please snap me back to reality. And please... tell me if I'm starting to act like a jerk... I'm really trying, Miara. But I also need your help."