Dog Days

Chapter 48

As he looks at me, he asks "What's wrong?"

I sob out and cover my mouth to try to silence myself. He looks at me in concern as I struggle to catch my breath and I feel my chest burning.

He grabs hold of my cheek and asks "Thor, what's wrong?"

I force myself to look away as I sob out "I wasn't ready!" As the agony of losing Loki rips through me, I state "He's probably fucking dead, and here I am fucking someone else!"

He furrows his brow at me and asks "Did you not enjoy it?"

I sniffle as I state "It was good! That's the bad thing!"

He speaks too softly as he states "It's okay to-"

I can't stand to even hear his voice as I speak up "Can you please just leave?" Sobs rake through my body and I cry out "Just get dressed and leave, please."

He pauses for a moment, before he asks "Is that really what you want?" I nod without even looking at him and he sighs "I'll go out to the couch. I'm not leaving you alone."

I hum and he grabs his clothes with ease "You should take your meds." He sighs.

I try to stop myself from losing it in front of him. I just stay quiet and he sighs "Thor, I'm sorry."

I shake my head and I can't even force out words as I hold back tears. After a moment, he sighs "You're still my best friend."

I sob out "I just can't look at you, right now."

He takes a moment, before declaring "I'm not going to tell anyone, but we'll need to talk about it later."

I take in a deep breath, before declaring "I wasn't ready. I thought I would be fine." I force down a sob, before I state "It was good, and I wasn't ready for it to be good." I sob out "Please, leave!"

He takes a moment, before declaring "I'll be out in the living room if you want to talk."

With that, he steps out of the room, closing the door behind him. I just pull the covers over myself and let the tears flow as I sob out into my pillow.

All I can think about is how much I let him down. First, I don't follow orders and put me and my men in the line of fire, leaving him vulnerable. Then, I'm too weak and high to look for him. Now, I just fucked my best friend for all of three minutes of enjoyment, when it definitely wasn't worth it.

I imagined a life with him, and the entire time I was fucking Heimdall, I was only thinking about him.

It felt good, but it wasn't him. And when it was over and I actually got to see that it was Heimdall and not him, I just couldn't believe that I threw away my imaginary life for three minutes worth of affection.

I don't see myself holding him in this bed, anymore. I don't see him ever coming home to me.

He's just gone.

And I don't know if I can forgive myself for throwing away the only part of him I still had.

~

The following morning, I pull on my clothes as the aching in my shoulder returns. With a soft sigh, I walk into the bathroom and take my meds. I didn't end up taking them last night.

As I walk out into the living room, Heimdall smiles at me from the kitchen "Good morning, Thor. Just making your breakfast."

I can't even look at him as I ask "Where's father?"

He takes a moment, before declaring "He's having his morning coffee."

I give a short nod, before stepping into my work boots and bending over to tie them. As I begin to open the door, the winter chill hits my face and he calls out "Might want to grab a jacket."