Sunshine (j.h/sope)

✏️☀️twenty nine🐱✏️

Thursday, December 14, 2023.

trigger warning: mentioning of self harm/ suicide attempt.

yoongi:
hoba...

hoba:
yoonie, whats wrong?

yoongi:
hoba, this is hard to do.

hoba:
what are you talking about? you are scaring me.

yoongi:
living. breathing. being alive.

hoba:
why do you say that?

yoongi:
everything i do, i do it wrong. i ruin everything. my mom and dad do so much for me and i feel like i am never enough to make them truly happy.

hoba:
you make your mom so happy. when you are in the bathroom during dinner, she always says how proud she is of you.

hoba:
she loves you and appreciates everything you do for her and you know that.

yoongi:
i feel guilty every time i ask her for something.

hoba:
it's just your anxiety my dear.

hoba:
and what have you ruined?

yoongi:
nothing yet. but i know i will ruin something soon.

hoba:
you are anticipating for something bad to happen.

yoongi:
i feel like i am going to ruin this.

hoba:
ruin what?

yoongi:
us.

yoongi:
you are the best thing that has happened to me.

yoongi:
i was so deep into a depressive episode that night you texted me. i was going to end my life that night. right before you texted, i had a blade against my wrist and i was going to end my life. but then you texted, and i made you feel better so it made me feel like there was something special about you.

yoongi:
you saved my life and i don't want to lose you.

+

Yoongi drops his phone to his lap. Hoseok hadn't texted back in 10 minutes. Yoongi's eyes welled up with tears.

You fucked it up, he thought. You ran him off being so scared of your own brain.

There is a knock on his door. "Not now!" Yoongi gasped for air, tears rolling down his face. His head drops in his knees. The door opens with a high pitched squeak. "I said not now!" He says louder, looking up.

Yoongi feels his heart shattering, staring at Hoseok in the eyes. "I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to yell at you. I didn't know it was you." Yoongi cries. "Yoongi, what's wrong?" Hoseok grabs the box of tissues from Yoongi's desk and brings it. He sits next to him, not knowing how to confront him.

Other than the hand held that was shared between to two, Yoongi doesn't like physical touch. He is strict about his no hug policy. Hoseok knew that rubs on the shoulders makes him feel uncomfortable.

"I just feel like a huge fuck up!" Yoongi sobs into his hands. "I can't do anything right and I'm going to do or say something fucked and fuck this whole thing up. It doesn't make any sense. I should be grateful for what I have. My parents, my brother, my friends, you. Everybody is so good to me and respect me and doesn't judge me. I could never asked better people in my life."

Yoongi sighs, sarcastically laughing to himself. "I'm so selfish, all I can do is be sad and bring everybody down. So occupied being fucking sad, I can't even be grateful for what I have in front of me. If I had killed myself that night, I would have died hating myself for being selfish and take my own life and leave everyone that I love to hurt about me being dead."

Yoongi's head falls onto Hoseok's shoulder and Hoseok freezes. He doesn't know what to do.

"I'm just tired, you know," Yoongi shrugs. "Everything happens all the time, all at once." Hoseok wraps his arms around Yoongi and hugs him. Yoongi widens his eyes, shocked at what Hoseok did. At first Yoongi is hesitant, but he soon wraps his arms around Hoseok and closes his eyes.

Yoongi's stomach begins to flutter. His face and ears are burning from how hard he was crying. He feels warm, his heart is beating a mile a minute and the physical contact that they shared. Yoongi realizes, he is safe. In this very moment. He is safe with Hoseok.

He lays his head in the corner of Hoseok's neck and he cries. He cries until he can't breathe, breathing shakily. After a few minutes, Yoongi's crying began to calm down and he steadies his breathing. Yoongi begins to hiccup and that makes him giggle. Hoseok laughs a little and pulls back to look at him. He smiles warmly at the blonde.

"I'm not going anywhere," The black haired boy says with a smile. "You could say the meanest most out of pocket thing to me and I would just laugh. I know you would never mean it. You have done a lot for me too. You really mean a lot to me whether you know it or not. I appreciate you opening up to me. It really means the world to me that you trust me enough to open up even a little."

Hoseok hugs Yoongi again, "I think all you needed was a hug. When is the last time you had a good hug?" Hoseok asked Yoongi. Yoongi sighs. "I can't remember the last time I hugged someone," Yoongi grips the back of Hobi's jacket. "This feels really nice." He whispers, letting a few tears fall down his face. "You promise you aren't going anywhere?" Yoongi asked and Hoseok nods his head. "I promise."

Yoongi doesn't know why but he pulls back and grabs Hoseok's face. Hoseok freezes again, never actually being this close to a boy before. Yoongi stares at him in his brown eyes. "Promise?" Hoseok nods. "I pinkie promise. I cross my heart." Yoongi nods and hugs Hoseok again.

"This is the first time in a long time I have felt this safe." The blonde whispers. "I just need you right now." "And I'm right here. I always will be." Hoseok tightens his arms around Yoongi. "You will always be safe with me." Hoseok feels Yoongi's head lowering on his shoulder. Hoseok's heart tripled in beat.

Taehyung was right. Hoseok thought, I do have feelings for Yoongi.