If I Fall |NEW|

22. Hear My Heart

I stumbled into the house and closed the door behind me softly. Coming in like this reminded me of the first time I got drunk here. I giggled at the thought- a time so simple.

All I wanted to do was shower and get into bed next to someone. I needed to be held and comforted.

I thought I was okay but I wasn't. I just couldn't stop thinking about what almost happened to me, it was eating me alive.

My childhood best friend had betrayed me in the worst way. She chose a man over me, a man who would've raped me if she hadn't come in. It was a haunting thought that I had to shake every day.

I went to my room and undressed. I sat on the bed naked and grabbed my baggy from my purse. I didn't bother rubbing any on my gums, I just dug my nail in and sniffed what was in my nail.

Closing the bag I contemplated a shower or just getting in bed. I wasn't dirty, I just had made a habit of showering when I got home.

I stood from the bed and made my way towards the bathroom when I realized Nate's bedroom door was open.

Without thinking I went to his dimly lit room, which was lit by the moon and the street lights outside the window.

I closed the door behind me before sliding into bed next to him. He stirred in his sleep as I snuggled up next to him.

"Nay?" His voice was groggily.

"Yeah." I giggled.

"What you doing?" He raised from his pillow.

"Shh, it's okay I just wanna cuddle," I said.

He pulled the blanket back and shook his head, "You're naked, you know this ain't a good idea." He said.

"Why?" I placed my hand on his firm chest and attempted to run it down to his dick, which was already standing. He grabbed my hand, "You have been drinking?" He asked.

"A little." A little more than too much. I was drunk as hell.

"Smells like more than a little." He said.

"Come on, you know you want it." I smiled.

"You're drunk Nay." He sighed making my face drop. "You right but so am I," I stated.

"Come on." He stood up and held his hand out for me to grab. "Where are we going?" I frowned.

"Just come on."

I grabbed his hand letting him lead me. He opened the door and walked me to my room, "Really?" I cocked my head to the side watching him walk over to my bag.

"Yes." He said as he dug through my bag. "What are you doing?" I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

"Here." He handed an oversized shirt to me. I snatched it and immediately regretted it when my coke fell at his feet. "Shit," I mumbled going to grab it but he was faster.

He frowned at the bag in his hand.

Silence fell over us.

His eyes didn't leave the bag for a good minute. I could see he was trying to process everything.

My head fell in shame and I was pulled into a hug. At that moment I couldn't contain my emotions, the tears fell and it's like the past year came in like a flood.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you and ask you to hear my heart as I can't find the words to say at this moment." Nate prayed making me cry harder.

I hadn't prayed in months. The relationship I once had with God was no longer. But I wanted it, I just felt too far to come back.

Nate held me while I cried out, "I need you, Jesus. I know I've been gone awhile but I'm ready-" I sniffled. "I'm ready to come back, Lord." My legs felt weak as he held me up.

Just with those few words, I felt all the weight on my shoulders being removed. I no longer felt like I was carrying baggage but that didn't stop my tears as they went from pain to relief.

The next morning came and I was a little embarrassed to come out of the room because of my actions from last night.

I rolled out of bed and gathered some clothes before going to the bathroom to shower and freshen up.

The eventful night played repeatedly in my head as I washed my body. I chuckled to myself, "Man what a year." I mumbled to myself.

About twenty-five minutes later I walked back into my room, "Aye." Nate stuck his head in. "What's up?" I looked over at him. "Breakfast ready." He informed.

"Okay, I'll be in there," I said.

He walked away.

I stuffed my things in the duffel bag and made my way to the kitchen which smelled of mostly bacon.

Our plates were already sitting on the island, "You fancy." I joked as I sat down. "I do a little some some." He smirked as he took a seat next to me.

We shared a little laugh.

"How'd you sleep?" He asked.

"Like a newborn," I said. "The best sleep I've had in a long time," I added.

"I bet." He said making me elbow him playfully.

I liked that after discovering my coke he didn't judge me. He didn't make me feel less than. And he didn't try to have some deep talk about it, he just prayed for me and threw it out.

He let me know that everything before that prayer was my past, and it didn't make or break me.

He grabbed my hand pulling me out of my thoughts. "Grace." He said. "Lead us." He said.

"Father thank you for this food and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen."

"Amen." He said.

It was at this moment that I realized that it was always Nate, I was just young and dumb. But it was too late for us, so being friends would suffice.

"The girl who gets you is lucky," I said.

"Blessed." He corrected. "And I know." He shrugged.

"Igh I take it back." I shoved him making him laugh.