Dancing with the Devil

Chapter 24

Pictures of them started to circulate on the internet. Hindi naman lingid sa akin na pareho silang kilalang tao. They were both well-known in their chosen fields, and that's what made them perfect—and different. They were both good-looking and already well-established, unlike me, who still had a lot of things to prove to myself.

I still have a lot of things I need to achieve and learn. Their intimacy in each picture wrecked me in every possible way. I smiled bitterly.

Their proximity ate the distance between them, almost as if they were kissing. Ano pa kaya kung sa likod ng camera? I didn't want to believe her—I really didn't—but then why the heck would he be like that with her?

He was a very private person, yet he let them see her as if he was proud to have her. I hated to admit it, but she was damn right. They had something more than what we had.

An actual serious relationship.

That was an act of owning her. If not, then what was it? The news spread like wildfire, but I heard nothing from his side. Kahit statement ng pagtanggi, wala. Silence means yes—he didn't even deny it. What were the chances of them actually being engaged?

I waited to hear his denial—that maybe this was just a mistake, a baseless rumor with no truth. But I heard none. And I waited for nothing...

Kung hindi ko pa nalaman ang tungkol dito, siguradong wala rin siyang balak na sabihin sa akin. Was he trying to make me his mistress? Just thinking about it made me seethe with anger.

Instead of crying over the pictures and sulking inside the four walls of my room, I dressed up and decided to go out. I wanted to be alone and get wasted. Kahit ngayong gabi lang.

Gusto kong makalimot kahit sandali. And the easiest way to forget was to drink—to let myself be free from the worries and heartaches that kept trying to chain me. Fuck it. I'm letting the alcohol rule my insides tonight.

I settled at the counter and ordered a drink that would take me down in a minute. Ilang araw na akong hirap sa pagtulog. I had become too dependent on alcohol just to help me sleep at night. Sa dami ng tumatakbo sa aking isipan, hirap akong matulog.

"Rum, please."

This was the consequence of the irony of knowing and doing things. We're aware of the uncertainty of life, of how everything is inevitable—but is that enough to say that we are conscious of it? My head was filled with questions that couldn't be answered. Or maybe, some could.

And we can find the right answers in the end. But for now, everything is vague. We're oblivious and can't predict the certainty of the way we maneuver through the abrupt changes in our lives.

Maybe soon, life will lead us somewhere. But for now, it's all just wishful thinking.

It's ironic, isn't it? Alam natin ang tama at dapat gawin, ngunit ang hirap sundin ng tama kung malaki ang nakataya—o higit pa sa iniisip mo. People are so quick to judge everything, to say that we should think ahead and focus on the future rather than settling and being content with what we know at hand.

And just like them, I was quick to judge everything.

I know what I need to do. I downed the shot and stared at the bartender as he filled my glass for another. Even with alcohol running in my veins, I could still think rationally.

Alam ko ang kailangan kong gawin. Gusto kong umiyak at magwala dahil sa pinaghalong galit at sakit na nararamdaman ko. I'm deeply hurt, seething with anger, and utterly disgusted. Just—how could he?

But I was at fault, too. I let him win over me. I was so damn proud and loud—only to end up the loser in this game. The game we both started.

Everything needs to have an end. And it'll be my pleasure to end it, if he won't. Besides, he was just another change in my life that I needed to let go of. So I must end this...