Dancing with the Devil

Chapter 36

 Kung saan kami natapos ng gabing 'yon, ay hindi ko maalala. All I know is that he left me. It was him who left me that night. He walked out, slamming my door, leaving me rooted in the place I stood when he left.

I waited for him... to come back, but he didn't. Sinubukan kong maghintay, na kung babalik siya. I waited and waited, until I fell asleep. But even if... I can picture everything vividly... It took me almost half an hour to find the rest I needed.

As much as I detest him—every word he mouthed, his frustrations, the lingering feelings he couldn't express rammed my mind as if it was a live show on repeat. And I had no choice but to watch it all over again.

But I would gladly watch it, every damn time. It seems like a chance for me...

Tsyansa, ulitin ang buong senaryo sa isipan, na intindihin ito ng lubos sa pangalawang pagkakataon.

To analyze all the possibilities, reasons, and keep questioning things—how could that happen? I couldn't help but wonder. The doubts won't stop screaming, and it's too late for me to silence them. I can't even do it—not on my own. They can't just be silenced by that sudden burst of confession from him. Not just like that.

It's not enough...

Maybe blame my father for setting the bar too high—or me, for putting up a solid barrier that doesn't crumble easily. I can't make myself trust the people around me. Because if I were lenient, it worries me that they'll betray and ruin what I had given them.

I'm overly obsessed with protecting myself. It's almost close to being selfish—but as long as I am safe, I'll be alright. Nothing else matters anymore.

Pakiramdam ko, sa sobrang sigurado at protektado ng buong buhay ko—ng lahat. Natatakot ako sa posibilidad na biglang gumuho ang lahat sa oras na maging kampante ako sa sarili.

Like karma's on the run, chasing after me—and anytime soon, it would take its revenge just because I had a good life.

The uncertainty that still lingers scares me, even if all my life everything was somehow certain. I brought myself on the pedestal, the wheels of quandary—a never-ending cycle of questioning my own decisions.

Just now, I doubted my capacity to understand. I can't seem to grasp any of the words he said last night.

None of his declarations make sense. He confuses me... a lot.

Sa kagustuhang mapag-isa at lumayo, pinagbigyan ko ang sarili. I left my work and went away to have my vacation. I wanted to be alone—a space and place where I could freely think. Where no worries and distractions could reach me.

My room wasn't enough to shelter me. Its four walls weren't enough to keep and make me feel safe.

All of it feels inadequate, uncertain. I crave solitude—fooling myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, it could fix what's breaking inside.

Ayoko na ring abalahin pa ang mga kaibigan. They had their own mess to clean up. I want all my questions to be answered by myself. Lahat ng kaguluhan, yung mga tanong ay matuldukan ng ako lang.

Naniniwala akong—oo, kailangan natin ang iba upang magabayan tayo, magsilbing liwanag sa gabi nating puno ng kadiliman, mapagkuhaan natin ng lakas—ngunit sa huli, nasa atin pa rin ang lahat ng sagot.

Our own happiness and well-being is our responsibility. I shouldn't burden someone with something that I should take care of. Dahil hindi tamang nakadepende sa iba ang lahat ng kailangan mo.

Umiling ako sa bellboy bilang pagtanggi sa assistance niya, at hinila ang maleta ko. I went straight to the reception table, roaming around the lobby as they provided me with the details of my room.