Dancing with the Devil

Chapter 25

I was back to my routine. I live my life as if I was hiding like a criminal. Even the two were starting to be weirded out. I occasionally slept in Sera and Ayon’s place. Just once in our house, maiwasan lang siya. Ilang araw na ring bakante ang condo ko, hindi ko na binalak pang matulog muli roon dahil alam kong maaring puntahan niya ako. I would even book a hotel, if I needed to. 

Ipinagpapasalamat ko na hindi rin nila ako tinanong pa. I would just blindly ignore their questions. And lie straight to their faces. It was for the better. They’re my friends…

But how could I tell them all my worries, if it was my brother’s best friend who's my problem? 

Alam kong maiintindihan nila ako. But I can’t deal with more issues, gusto ko na lang matapos ang lahat. I don’t wanna be stuck in between their inquiries because I’m tired of it already. My mind had enough questions that I can’t even answer. Kaya paano sasabihin sa kanila, sasagutin ang tanong nila kung ako mismo ay walang sagot.

My eyes weren’t crying but my heart was. 

Parang tinanggap ko na ang katotohanang pilit kong sinisiksik sa aking utak. At puso ko na lamang ang hindi pa makatanggap.

I miss being with Taro. Ayoko man ay mas pinili kong iniwanan na lang muna siya sa bahay. I don’t want to neglect him, so it's better if I leave him in my parent's house for a while. 

After that night, hindi na rin na tahimik ang buhay ko. He was messaging me and even calling me nonstop. That I ended up changing my number. I continued as if I did nothing wrong. As if it didn't happen. Because I want it to end that way.

I just wanted to get over him and these little feelings that I have. 

It was the right thing to do. Or I believe so.

People tend to act upon what they have in hand. We opted for the lesser evil option that we thought was for the better, and what would benefit us. Kung saan mas ramdam natin ang kaligtasan at kapayapaan. We don’t care anymore about the consequences because we're focused on the ideas that could save us in that moment.

And when it's already said and done. Life presents us with the outcome of our actions— the said consequences. The ugly truth that cost us. That’s where we realize everything. The what ifs, and what could have.

I was in it. I don’t want to sacrifice my heart for something that is mediocre. He was bad to me. 

We started in the wrong lane. Una pa nga lang mali na. Ngayon pa kayang nalaman ko na may fiance siya at nakatakdang ipakasal. Niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko kung sasabihin kong kahit kakarampot ay may pag-asang pareho kaming dalawa… na baka sakali ay gusto niya rin ako. 

That in the middle of our dance around the fire with a devil like him… his heart sparks unknowingly.

But no. Ayokong umasa sa walang kasiguraduhan. Panigurado ay naglalaro lang siya tulad ng sinabi ni Natalie. He was just playing with me. We were…

I’ve fallen, but I won’t let myself drown. 

Why would I stay in a sinking boat when I can use a damn float and save myself? What I have is inevitable but I can still be save.

I can’t control how things steer in my life but I have the means to control how I would react upon it.

“Huy!” 

Kumurap ako at tinignan ang pagkaway ng kamay ni Ayon sa aking harapan. 

I looked away and sigh. Naramdaman ko pa ang bahagyang pagnginig ang aking labi. I bit it to hide its shaking. I was back to reality. I’ve been losing on my own thoughts. I forgot that I was with my friend in the rounds at that moment.