Dancing with the Devil

Chapter 25

I returned to my routine—living in hiding, like a criminal on the run. My friends were starting to get weirded out. Occasionally, I slept at Sera and Ayon's place, once back in our house in Bulacan.

Maiwasan lang siya. Ilang araw kong binakante ang condo; hindi ko na binalak pang matulog ulit doon dahil alam kong maaaring puntahan niya ako.

Ipinagpapasalamat ko na hindi rin nila ako tinanong pa. I'd blindly ignore their questions and lie straight to their faces either way. It was for the better.

They're my friends... but how do I tell them my worries—when the problem is my brother's best friend?

Alam kong maiintindihan nila ako, but I can't deal with more issues. I just want to end everything. I don't want to face their questions anymore because I'm tired of it. My mind had enough that I can't even answer.

Kaya paano sasabihin sa kanila, paano sasagutin ang tanong nila, kung ako mismo ay walang sagot?

My eyes weren't crying, but my heart was.

Tinatanggap ko na nga ang katotohanang pilit kong sinisiksik sa utak ko. At puso ko na lamang ang hindi makatanggap.

I miss being with Taro. Iniwanan ko na lang muna siya sa bahay. I don't want to neglect him; it's better to leave him in my parents' house than let him be alone.

After that night, hindi na rin tahimik ang buhay ko. He was messaging me and even calling me nonstop, that I ended up changing my number. I continued as if I did nothing wrong, as if it didn't happen. Because I wanted it to end that way.

I just want to rid myself of these fleeting feelings. It was the right thing to do. Or I believed it to be.

People tend to act on what's within their grasp, choosing the lesser evil we believe serves us best—kung saan mas ramdam natin ang kaligtasan at kapayapaan. The consequences don't matter anymore because we're focused on the idea that it could save us.

When everything's said and done, it presents us with the outcome of our actions—the consequences. The ugly truth that cost us. And that's when we realize everything.

The what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens.

Sacrificing myself wasn't on the list. What we had was mediocre. He was bad to me.

Una pa lang ay mali na. At ngayon pang nalaman kong may fiancé siya.

Sinungaling ako kung hindi ko aaminin na umaasa akong kahit kaunti... na baka gusto niya rin ako.

That between our dance around the fire, a devil like him... ignites a heart unknowingly.

Ayokong umasa sa walang kasiguraduhan. Mas sigurado pa akong laro lang ang lahat ng 'to sa kaniya. He was just playing with me.

I've fallen, but I won't let myself drown.

Why would I stay in a sinking boat when I can use a damn float and save myself? What I have is inevitable, but I can still be saved.

My life steers into the unknown, but I choose how to navigate it.

"Huy!"

Kumurap ako at tiningnan ang pagkaway ng kamay ni Ayon sa aking harapan. Naglayo ako ng tingin, bahagyang nagnginginig ang labi.

Reality pulls me in, reminding me that I'm too lost in my own thoughts. Kasama ko nga pala ang mga kaibigan.

"Are you fine? Ilang araw ka nang parang wala sa sarili. I know you don't wanna talk about whatever you have in mind, but seriously... I'm worried."

Her eyes waver with emotions. I can vividly see her worries. Lumibot ang kaniyang tingin sa akin, mabusisi akong inaalisa.

"Hindi ko alam kung paano ka tutulungan, kung kailangan mo ba ng makikinig o ng kamay na hihila sa'yo mula sa pagkalunod," pag-amin niya.