you're mine

Chapter 52

The afternoon rolls in quickly, the sky becoming darker and darker as the day goes on. One of my hands grip a cup of coffee whilst the other holds onto Emily's thigh.

My jaw relaxes as I bring the cup to my lips, pouring the dark liquid down my throat and setting the cup back down on the side of the sofa, my jaw tensing again. My molars begin to ache from the pressure of being squashed against one another. I'm still angry, maybe everyone can tell.

When I was a kid, I was never good at hiding my emotions. Growing up I was never allowed to show them; no matter which one it was. That only made me want to show them more. Besides happiness, of course. I think I only expressed that twice, (minus the time I spent at my grandparents, since their main focus was to make me happy. Something I still can't believe despite the time passed) One time being when I made a fort in a tree for myself, trying to replace the amazing one I had my grandad to thank for. It wasn't perfect, pretty much just a few planks of wood with the few belongings I actually liked. But it was something I had and I didn't have to share with my siblings. Something my dad couldn't take from me. As for anger, envy, disgust.... I showed often. For a while, I went blank. After spending so many years angry and frustrated as a young boy, I let go. I let the emotions consume me to a point where I stopped feeling. It didn't take me long to regain those emotions; though the next time they took over it had a different outcome.... Resulting in all of this.

"....And then we got ice cream. I picked cotton candy flavoured ice cream and dad picked walnut." Ella talks to my girlfriend sitting beside me about her day, i only catch the end of the fifteen minute conversation.

"Sounds like you had fun." She smiles brightly at the young girl laying  on her stomach infront of the fire place, legs swaying in the air.

"We did." Chris nods, entering the conversation.

I stay silent.

"You know, I don't mind cooking tonight." Emily smiles, my teeth grinding against each other harder as she offers her generosity to them.

"Well that's a lovely idea, thank you Emily." Chris nods, showing his genuine appreciation and taps his thick fingers against the seat he rests on.

"Of course." She smiles.

The blazing sun shines through the horizontal blinds, the light reaching its peak before dying out. The burning sensation on the left side of my face doesn't affect me. Despite the tingling in my eyes, I don't move an inch. Afraid that if I move something other than my hand to down the scolding black coffee, I will break. The anger will take over and I will no longer be in control. If I let it take over, I will react irrationally and do things I can't reverse; one thing in particular I'd do anything to take back.

The thoughts in my head as I stare off into the mildly patterned wall come into collision with one another, fighting to be heard first. The impulse to react on these thoughts intensifies. Not so far deep down, I know I will. Just not right now. Not in this moment.

I take another slow drink of my coffee, zoning back into the conversation being held around me.

"Yeah that sounds good." Emily nods. "Did you buy all the ingredients?"

Ella speaks before her dad can. "We did. I helped him find everything on the grocery list." She beams at herself.

"Oh, good." Emelia smiles again.

My anger builds up rapidly. I scan the room, realising it's the tapping. The goddamn tapping from Chris. His fingertips stick and unstick to the leather, leaving a popping noise with each small tap. The noise travels through my ears and to my mind, ticking it off. I swallow down the saliva collecting in my mouth and let out a shaky breath.

"Are you okay?" Emily asks me. Only now I realise my fingertips are digging into her thigh. My grip loosens and I lean over her legs to plant a kiss on her lips.

"I'm okay."

Her lips turn upwards into a warm smile.

"Good. I'm going to go make dinner for everyone."

I nod in reply, reluctantly letting go of her.

....

Hours pass by which feels closer to days. My mind swims with thoughts overcrowding it. Each deep breath, in and out, becomes harder than the last. The air around me feels stiff, like the room is running out of oxygen despite the gap under the door and the ajar window. The only thing calming me is the small fingers automatically running up and down my arm. With her steady breathing, I am so sure Emily is asleep; yet her hand continues to move up and down my arm, soothing me with her fingernails.

It feels so good it could almost stop my thoughts entirely; almost.

There is no clock in the room which makes every hour agonising. But maybe, each hour is two hours and it passes a lot quicker than I realise. Though if that were true, it would already be past sunrise.

After I let Emily leave my side, she walked towards the open kitchen and began to make everyone a meal. It took her a while to get used to the design and where everything was held, but she did it and the meal was mouth watering to say the least. Honey glazed salmon paired with seasoned asparagus, green beans and roasted potatoes. A good last meal. After that, she stayed and held a conversation with Chris after Ella ran off to bed, insisting her teddy bear needed rest (really, she just didn't want to admit to her dad he was right and she was tired after she protested that she wasn't, many times). I offer a few hums and nods during the conversation, pretending I'm actually interested but I don't speak. Once we took a bath together and dried off, we finally got into bed. Emily held me extra tight when drifting off. It made me wonder if she knew what was coming.

My eyes swirl in all different directions, staring at the ceiling in the dark to make none existent patterns. My fingers caress thick strands of Emily's hair, dropping a few pieces every twenty seconds, the hair getting thinner and thinner.

The process must be as comforting to her as it is to me since she lightly moans in her sleep. Her hand stops moving and wraps around my waist.
This is it. This is all I need. It's all I've ever needed. She thinks I need something else and she's wrong. She thinks she needs something else and she is wrong. We only need each other. And there's only one way I can prove that to her.

"Fuck this." A sigh departs from my lips. My hands fall to my sides, pushing myself up from the bed, . Emily's hands drop from my body to the bed. I let my thoughts take over, not being able to hold back any longer. The truth being I don't want to hold back. I want to let go.