I sit here, a feeling of relief rushing through me, knowing that I don't have to be on edge anymore because of not knowing where Luca is. I know where he is, he's in a coffee tin with his ashes unclaimed somewhere. Still, I can't get him out of my mind. I know he can't get to me but he still controls me. Maybe he can't pin me down and stop me from leaving, but he lives in my mind, keeping me from having thoughts of my own. I run through all of my thoughts subconsciously before thinking them, as though asking for his permission to even think. I know I can never find love again. I can never allow myself to love someone or let someone love me. Because, I may hate Luca but I think I'm also in with love him. I thought that it was just him manipulating me. But now, knowing he's dead and I am sitting here in silence, I miss him. I feel guilty that he's dead, just like I feel guilt for all the people he killed.
I asked if I could claim his ashes, but my parents wouldn't let me. My dad is still in the hospital, but the doctors say he's going to make it. My mother heard the gunshot go off when she was pulling into the drive. She said she tried her hardest not to run into the house and murder him herself and instead called 911.
She keeps reminding me how lucky we are he is finally dead, but I don't feel lucky. I feel sick. I feel good, knowing he can't come and ruin my life anymore, but it's already ruined.
I started seeing a psychiatrist today, she says she doesn't think I will ever get a grasp on my emotions again, or atleast not for a while. She said I don't love Luca and that he just messed with my mind. Apparently, i convinced myself i love him just to survive.
I don't think I'll go to the session next week.
Remembering that he is dead hurts just a little bit too much. When I shower, I swear I can still see his blood on my skin. I keep replaying the moment he died in my mind. He died in my arms, he died thinking I loved him. Despite all he put me through, I'm glad I said I love him before he died.
I would have regretted it if he died not truly knowing he was my first love.
YOU ARE READING
you're mine
Mistério / SuspenseHow parents bring up their kids affect their outlook on the world and their actions towards it later in the future. Emelia and Luca are the perfect example of this. One night, Luca, a twisted teen, finds an unconscious girl laying on the ground, Thi...
