Heartbreak High: New Hope

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(Tyler)

The ride back to Seacrest was painfully awkward. I kept my face turned to the window, watching the trees blur past, pretending I was focused on them. But really, it was just an excuse to avoid looking at Lucas.

My mind was racing, all the feelings I'd been trying to push away came crashing back, including the memory of what happened after the kiss.

We'd pulled away slowly, our breaths heavy, our eyes locked in that charged space between us. The electricity of the moment buzzed in the air, too thick to ignore.
"I'm gay,"
Lucas whispered, his voice trembling with uncertainty. A smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I looked into his wide, vulnerable blue eyes.
"I know."

The shock on his face was almost enough to make me laugh. "You do?" he asked, surprised.

"I've known since the carnival," I admitted, my heart pounding at the memory of that night-the way I'd hugged him as he cried about Casey's kiss, the way everything had clicked into place.
"But you didn't say anything," Lucas had said, confusion clear in his voice.

"I wanted you to tell me," I'd replied, my tone softer, more intimate. I wanted him to trust me, to know that I was here, no matter what. He'd started to say something, but I'd cut him off, the desire in me too strong to wait any longer. "Lucas, shut up and kiss me again."

And he did. Our lips met again, but this time it was different-deeper, more passionate, like we were trying to make up for lost time. My hands moved on their own, sliding under his shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin as we backed toward the bed. His breath hitched as I tugged off his jersey, and our bodies pressed closer together, every inch of us touching.

Lucas ended up on the bed, lying there beneath me, his eyes half-lidded and dark with desire. I leaned down, kissing the soft skin of his neck, feeling the rapid beat of his pulse under my lips.

But that's where it ended. The moment cut off like a bad signal, snapping me back to reality, because as much as I wanted to, I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't let myself fall into something that felt so right yet came with so much risk. There was too much at stake-my dad, my girlfriend, everything I'd worked so hard to hold together. I had to be the one to keep it all from falling apart.

I closed my eyes, trying to steady my breathing, trying to shake the memory of Lucas from my mind. But it clung to me, a constant reminder of what I wanted, and what I knew I couldn't have.

My mind taunted me, it made me feel small, it made me feel trapped. Who am I? What am I? I knew I liked girls but I liked Lucas too-a lot.

I thought of my dad, of what he would think, what would he say to me if he ever knew the feelings I tried to hide, while Lucas made me feel like I could embrace those feelings.

It was late when we got back to the school parking lot. I still couldn't look at him, even as he borrowed my phone to call his parents. I couldn't manage to force out any words to say to him. Even as his parents came to get him, I just stood there, blank.

"So how was the game?" My dad asked, grabbing my attention from the TV as I sat on the couch realizing that my mind had strayed away from me.
"It was good," I replied blankly. "We won."

"Well, that's great. Why don't you sound more excited about it?" he asked with a proud smile. I plastered a smile of my own over my lips, breathing a simple, "I am, I'm just tired, Dad."

He nodded, seeming to understand. "Well, you're home now; you can get some rest," he spoke. I smiled, knowing my thoughts were threatening to keep me up all night.

I made my way up the stairs to my room, throwing my bag down on the floor, the soft thump reverberated through the room as I took a seat on the edge of my bed.

My thoughts were deafeningly loud. I used my finger to trace over my lips that still tingled with the taste of Lucas; his sweetness lingered in my mouth, his touch felt engraved on me. My eyes took me to the window facing his bedroom; the light coming from it told me he was there. It called for me.

I didn't need to think about it. I slid off my bed and took a step towards the window, where I watched as Lucas lay atop his bed, staring into the ceiling, probably thinking of the same things I was.

I could feel my mind trying to creep back to the waves of guilt that I'd felt for wanting him, but I couldn't stop it. I wanted him. How could I want him, when there were so many reasons why I shouldn't?

Seeing him there somehow calmed the storm in my mind. I cursed the walls between us; I cursed the obstacles; I cursed everything and everyone standing in the way of me getting what I wanted-his kiss, his touch, his body.

I wanted-him.

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