I miss you, I'm sorry

Part 21

AJ thought becoming civil with Niko would fix everything. He thought that it would at least solve half of his own mental battles, and that maybe, just maybe he'd wake up feeling okay for once. Wake up without the feeling of dread for the next day, without having to worry about socialisation or entering the outside world. The pit in his stomach would float away , the one that filled him with fear and dread of the day to come, filling him with anxiety of the presence of others, hating his own existence. 

 Aj was wrong.

AJ woke up wishing he hadn't. The hatred of existence flowing through his bloodstream. It wasn't that Aj wanted to kill himself, he just didn't want to be alive. Aj no longer wanted to live. His favourite time of day was when he was asleep; the thin ice between death and life, and a small part of him hoped he'd slip through onto the other side. 

At first the medication was working. He was able to go out, able to live, able to be normal. His chest stopped feeling tight, his throat stopped being clogged, his eyes lost their burn, his stomach stopped churning, pausing a constant sickness and twist.

Then it changed.

He doesn't know when, but his chest and throat clogged up once again, his breathing became harsher, dizziness occured and his vision was blurred. The constant need to be sick, throw up, get rid of every emotion and down the sink, far far away from him. 

Aj hadn't felt alive in a long time, he was simply living. 

Time had lost all meaning. Every perspective of movement  pausing in its tracks. The constant need of a reminder to himself that he is living, he is a human, doing real life things. Like, this is real? Im not fake. The realising feeling being shot like a bullet, straight throw his mind and chest, causing his whole body to feel heavy, the burden of living adding pressure. He hated this feeling. Constantly confused, his brain being unable to comprehend the concept of time and place; how things work. He hated it.

Aj lay in his bed, the choking feeling reaching from his chest into his throat, almost causing tears to emerge, but he can't cry. Something holding him back between the verge of tears and sanity. He couldn't cry. Not because he didn't want to, he simply couldn't. The pain was enough to make him feel, not enough to shed a tear. He gulps, the weight on his throat making it hard to breath, as he reluctantly pulls himself out of bed. 

He quickly re-makes the surface he lay on, before tossing off his bonnet into the draw by his bedside table. 2:45 p.m.. Oops. Aj trudges downstairs, curls in his face, feet heavy as he enters the kitchen. The others were all sat around the island counter, munching away at their breakfast. It wasn't uncommon for the boys to wake up around this time, especially as there was no work to do, or any shoots to attend, but Aj had slept pretty early the night before, at least thats what the boys thought. 

"Morning," Aj rasps out, forcing a smile, sitting beside Kenny and resting his head on his shoulder, eyes shut.

"Morning Aje."

"Bro you slept almost 18 hours, how are you still tired!" Chunkz says, looking at Aj concerned. 

AJ simply shrugs, technically he'd only slept around 7 hours, which was more than enough, but whos counting.

"Aren't you gonna eat anything?" Sharky asks, taking a bite of his coco-pops.

"Nuh-uh. I'm not hungry."

Sharky looks at him with a knowing look, to which Aj replies with a shake of the head. It wasn't what Sharky thought. He wasn't not eating because he wanted to starve himself, he just genuinely wasn't hungry; he never is. Aj would eat about half a meal a day, maybe a few snacks here and there but it was because eating wasn't appealing to him anymore. When he films his 'More Aj' food videos, the small bite of each item was all he ate for the day. he felt sick, all the time, and to fill up that space was red-bull and mountain-dew, supplying his diet.