I miss you, I'm sorry

Part 28

The boys are sitting around anxiously as Aj stirs awake. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand, looking around the room confused. He sees all the boys sat there heads down, and legs bouncing before he smirks. 

"Wow, I thought I meant more to you guys," he jokes

"Aj!" Sharky says happily running up to the boy, wrapping his arms around him, "You're okay!"

"It's gonna take a little more than a bump to get rid of me Sharks."

"You scared us you idiot." Chunkz says. 

Aj sits up whimpering as he does. "My back hurts," he pouts. 

"At least you're okay," 

Aj looks around the room, a side-eye face when eh sees Niko. "Why is he here."

"Trust me, I'd rather be anywhere else."

"Then why are you here."

Niko holds up the arm with the blood transferer, "Unfortunately, because you always have to be so difficult, I'm the only one who can give you blood, so that you wouldn't die. You're welcome."

"Well I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you so it's the least you could do."

"Actually, if you didn't cu-" Niko is cut off by Chunkz' hand over his mouth. He knew what Niko was going to say, it was definitely too far. But he also knew that Niko wasn't that kind of person, and if he wasn't speaking out of anger he wouldn't say it.

However, AJ isn't dumb. He knew what Niko was going to say, "You know." he says sadly. 

the boys nod. "Yeah,"

"Why Aj. I thought you stopped." Sharky whispers. 

"I-I did. But it just got too hard. The medication stopped working or something I don't know, but its so hard." AJ begins before he takes a breath and continues, "Every little thought comes springing into my head, knocking again and again. Imagine waking up in the morning with lead weights wrapped around your ankles. Actually, it's more like your entire body is engulfed in lead weights. You would like to get out of bed and do something - anything. But since life no longer seems worth living, you roll over and go back to sleep...sometimes for the entire day. You are drowning in quicksand. The physical fatigue and weakness can be so severe you barely get out of bed and feel like your body is shutting down. Yet, you must, for your livelihood depends on it. So, you somehow drag yourself out of bed, stagger to the fridge, grab an energy drink, something to keep you going. You also throw back a couple of anti depressants to try and jump start your day. Somehow, you manage to shave, shower, get dressed - all of it sheer torture. Early mornings are the worst. You think that if you keeled over with a fatal heart attack you'd be the luckiest guy in town. All through the day you think about how great it would be to be sleeping. Because, when you're sleeping, you aren't thinking about how miserable you are, a thin line between life and death, that you can't escape, the one place where your thoughts don't control your every move. You smile at everyone around you, but it's all an act. "Just get through this day," is your constant mantra. Any moment you feel good is like a brief breath of fresh air, and you inhale it deeply anytime those fleeting good feelings appear. You somehow get through the day. And then, tomorrow comes, and you do it again, and again. 

Just existing. My status quo for all those years growing up. Just existing. Watching the world fly by, as if it was a train headed for happiness and I was the lonely passenger, trapped inside a run down station with no means to escape it's prison walls as they existed in my mind. Watching the train, wishing, more than anything I was on it. Wanting more than anything else to be free of this deploringly awful existence that I called my life. But being too resilient to end it myself. Just simply existing. So I cut. I cut and I smoke and I stop the feeling, mute the voices for as long as I can, until they come back; my life is a constant cycle of muting and playing, simply going by, wishing I can fast forward to see if there is a good part." 

"At first the medication worked. I was finally able to be alive, breathe, exist. I was no longer simply living day by day, every bit of life was worth living, and now? now i want nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to die, just to simply stop the pain. It hurts. It hurts so so bad. My head is constantly spinning unable to decipher a single conscious thought. Thats what kills me, the thoughts. The memories of the past chewing and scratching at the present, trying to rip it open and make it explode. But something stops it. So a constant loop of torture flees through my mind trying to get out, but it can't. I just want to be alive. Be normal. Why can't I?" 

By now AJ is sobbing as he speaks, unable to breathe. Everything feels too much; too overwhelming and he just needs his fix to feel good again. He looks at the other boys to see tears in their eyes, even Chunkz, the man didn't cry when his grandmother passed. 

Chunkz engulfs AJ in a tight hug, "I am so sorry." he whispers.

"Its not your fault." AJ smiles at him, "Its my stupid brain and my stupid past."

"I had no clue you were living like this Aje, why didn't you say anything? You know we would've been here for you." Sharky sniffs.

"I wanted to, but I couldn't. It feels like something drags all my words down my throat, clawing at every aspect of feeling I have. I didn't want you to carry my burden." 

"AJ, you're our brother, we want to be here, whether you like it or not, we are by your side always."

"Thank you." Aj whispers, "I'm sorry." 

"Its okay Aj. We were there once before right? And we'll be here forever. Thats a promise." Chunkz smiles. 

"Yeah," 

The nurse walks in  and takes the blood drip out of Niko and AJ, Niko rolling his eyes but not moving from the chair beside Aj. 

"Look who's awake," Luciana smiles, standing at the foot of the bed. AJ flashes her a bright smile, as the boys stay around him, "Well, now that youre alive and well, I need to tell you guys some information. As long as everything is stable, Ayaanle is able to go home tonight, however some doctors are recommending he stays and is transferred into the psychiatric ward. We can monitor his eating and self-harm habits there."

"Is there anyway we could not do that? We can manage him at home." Chunkz asks.

Luciana nods, "Yes. Due to the lockdown, we must get sent weight updates every 10 days, as you can't keep coming in and out. And we have prescribed a stronger anti-depressant, increasing your Sertraline from 50mg to 75 mg, hopefully that will work, and if in 7- 10 days you don't feel a change, then we can always increase the dosage once again. Any questions?"

"What time can we leave?" Niko asks.

"I'd say about 1-2 hours, I'll have doctors come and check him and he'll be free to go."

"When we get home we need to talk." Chunkz says, leaving Aj anxious at what more they could possible want to ask him.

"Okay," he nods. 

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1262 words.

its 5 am, i just heard my sisters school alarm. Oops. And I'm lowkey hungry 

Praying I don't get caught 

(I'm literally nearly 19 wtf why am i still hiding what time I sleep)

Next xhap is a deeper insight into Aj's life.

anyways love youse