I miss you, I'm sorry

Part 40

Aj's hand is in Niko's as he is guided from his room to the latter's, painful nerves taking over his senses. He wants more than anything for everything to be okay with Niko, to hear him out and understand what, why he was doing what he was doing. He sits beside Niko on the bed, a comfortable distance between the pair, yet their knees still touching. 

After a while, the silence is broken by Aj's hoarse voice, "Go on then.." unable to form genuine sentences.

"Yeah," Niko breathes out, preparing to explain his story to Aj, "Uhm, it started just after I moved to University. I was so stressed, finally being free from my mum that I didn't know how to handle it. It was so bittersweet, I'd spent my entire childhood praying, begging for my mum to come back, and then when I finally make it back to her, it was pure torture. I had lost you, lost her, lost my dad, lost everything. My flatmates suggested I try weed, and I loved it." 

"I loved the feeling of being so free from everything for a little while; that moment when you're just floating above all your problems felt so good You feel light, euphoric, and all the bad in your life seems not so bad, like you're in a dream. It wasn't meant to be permanent, only whenever I got too stressed. I stopped. Then we all moved back in together. And the anxiety started coming back again. This was when Filly was still smoking so I would go over to his and we we would smoke all night. It was easier than facing my problems, facing my anger towards you at the time," Niko takes a breath before correcting his last sentence when he saw AJ's face drop, "No, No, Baby, it isn't your fault." he reassures, "It was everything. Youtube, moving in, my entire life changing. I'll be honest, the fact we were fighting didn't help, but it definitely wasn't the cause. And then we made things alright, and I tried to stop, it got less and less; until finally we started going out again, I stopped. Aje, Baby, you are my happiness, you are my everything; anything I need in life to survive is all you. I don't need anything else when I have you." 

By the end Niko had tears in his eyes, clearly begging Aj for forgiveness.

Aj nods as Niko speaks, making sure to take in every word, "Please, talk to me Ley. Ask me anything, I'll answer."

"I- how? when? How did we not notice?" Aj whispers in short sentences, too many thoughts racing around to think clearly. He wanted to make out every little detail Niko was saying, understand his boyfriend better

"There's this place I go, I would pick up as much as I needed then smoke. I never smoked in the house, or garden cause of you Sharks and Amin. Apart from the gummies, and that was because they were very low dosage."

Aj asks the one question that couldn't seem to be shut off from his mind. "You didn't mean for me to take them?"

"I promise on everything, I didn't want you to take them. I freaked out when I found out, I tried to help,"

"Okay." Aj breathes out, "I understand. But please Niko, promise me you won't do this anymore. Please." 

"I swear to you on everything I quit. I told you, when we started dating I stopped. I wouldn't do that to you." Niko waits for Aj's response, but is met by another understandable silence, he asks the one question that he had hopped would be the outcome of this conversation, "Do-Do you forgive me?"

AJ gulps, nodding slowly, "Yeah. I'm still mad at you though. You came home drunk Nik, you've never had a sip of alcohol in your life!" He says, genuinely upset at the fact Niko had turned to alcohol the second they argued, "I- I hadn't even ended it, I wasn't planning to, and this happens. It scares me to think what you would do if, god-forbid, we did end up- you know." AJ didn't want to say the words, the fear of the jinx lingering in his mind.

"I understand your hurt, I understand how you feel, and take as much time as you need to get over it. But I didn't intend to drink last night, you know me, I hate alcohol."