Lucid

Space| 2

ᥫ᭡•NYASIA•ᥫ᭡

Victoria jubilee hospital
Kingston
8:15am

I paced the corridor wincing momentarily at the pain rampaging my feet. It felt like nothing compared to the turmoil I was feeling in my chest.

My arm felt a little weird from giving blood for her earlier.

Alisha my 14 year old sister had a miscarriage. The pregnancy was too young to be saved. She'd lost so much blood her once vibrant face was as dull as the bleaky sky I was looking at mama had told me.

"Nyasia sit down no. You a mek mi feel worse wid you a walk up pon down so."

I sat in the chair beside my Grandmother, sighing heavily and willing myself not to cry. She wasn't telling me everything, it was evident. I wanted answers and she had evaded most of my questions.

Questions like how far along was she?
Did she know she was pregnant?
Who was the father and all of that, did Mama know?

Alisha and I were abandoned by our mother when we were children. I had barely reached one year old when she left the home she stayed with her mother at 23. She didn't return until she was pregnant again with Alisha who she left at six months old.

We didn't know where she went, or where she was and I'd given up caring when I had to explain in detail to my little sister our mother left us. When I had to watch her cry over and over asking why when she was unable to fully understand. She grew and matured, I knew the question still lingered but she'd stopped asking.

I'd often thought maybe something happened that we didn't know about  or that she may be mentally ill but everyone said she was fine. Plus she could have talked to us once we were older at least reached out.
Unless she wasn't alive.

We had no idea who our father was either or even if it was the same person but we both had the same last name. In our small community in Clarendon it was hard constantly having to see the pity on all the familiar faces once we were able to recognise it.

Mama had been a pillar of strength for us. She raised us like her own never once making us feel we were anything less than that. She owned her own grocery shop which we both helped in once we could, there were times we had to do without certain things but she always ensured we were fed and taken care of in the best ways. She'd also been very protective of us.

I'd left home early pursuing a career in teaching, I had to make Mama and my sister proud and I did. I couldn't forget the look on their faces when I walked across the stage to get my degree.

I didn't understand what happened. Lisha hadn't said anything about having a boyfriend and we spoke regularly. I made sure she always felt safe enough to always confide in me.

"You should eat supm Mama." I mumbled, staring at her face. Her grey hair was corn rowed in two, her slightly wrinkled light brown skin littered with freckles. I always admired how they sat boldly above her nose, Alisha and I had inherited them somewhat even though she said our mother hadn't. I wasn't sure what she looked like, I could pass her in the street and not know. The pictures I'd seen were old and dark.

"When me hear supm me eat, Asia me cyah eat."

I nodded in understanding not pushing her because I felt the same. She would need to in an hour or so but for now we'd just wait.

It felt like days before a nurse came to speak with us but in truth it was only a few hours. I'd gotten Mama supm to eat which I had to practically force her to eat and she barely even touched it.

The nurse came and spoke to her and shortly after we were ushered to a room where we met one of the doctors who was attending to my sister. My eyes moved briefly over the light yellow walls then returned to the man staring at us.

"Wa happen how is she? We can see her" Mama asked the doctor immediately.

He was a dark skinned man on the heavier side, in blue scrubs and he had a serious look to his face. He adjusted his glasses peering down at us from where he stood around a table.

"Miss Brown we tried everything we could, given the short amount of time we had, Miss Small lost a great amount of blood due to haemorrhaging. We tried to replace the blood loss but our efforts were unsuccessful. I'm afraid it was too late. I regret to inform you that your daughter has passed—."

Mama started wailing and I just sat staring at the doctor frowning I didn't understand.

"I don't understand." I whispered my lip trembling. I was going to see them today, I planned to bring some clothes I bought for Lisha. Her birthday was coming up I'd ordered an Apple Watch for her because she'd been hinting about it almost everyday she's text and remind me.

What did he mean it was too late?
My baby sister?
No.

"I don't— I don't understand." I said more firmly, the sound of mama crying loudly echoing in my ears.
The doctor was staring at me then he began to say something but the sound of the chair falling disrupted him. I turned to see Mama on the floor. 

"Mama?"

Crouching down I held her in my arms watching her cry my eyes still dry.
I don't understand.

"Lisha gone Asia! Oh God! Father why you Neva tek me instead? Jesus!"

Swallowing the lump in my throat I tried to comfort her unsure of what to say.
I don't understand.

"Mama try calm down please remember your blood pressure." I said softly.

She looked up at me caressing my cheek with the tears still flowing. It seemed my words had an effect because she nodded slowly looking up at the doctor who was now helping her to stand.

We sat back down the doctor was speaking again. A nurse came to check Mama's blood pressure and I just sat watching his lips move not hearing a word he was saying. She placed her hand in mine and I rubbed her palm for comfort. We left shortly after Mama had fully calmed down.

The heat felt hazardous even though it was late evening. The walk back to the car was slow and grievous. There were persons moving to and fro cars coming and going. I had so many questions that seemed to be floating in my mind unable to fully form.

Alisha's things were in a small bag pressed against my chest. We were given the option of taking them before we left or when someone came back. We entered my car and trued to mentally prepare myself for the journey back to my apartment.

"Mama?"

"Hmm?"

I looked over to her as I parked the car beside my regular parking spot.
Dem tek e today.

"We reach come lay down inside." I coaxed her.

She nodded getting out the car. Her movements were slow, sadness etched into her features. Her previously clean white dress was now filthy from being on the hospital floor.

Once inside my apartment I got her cleaned up and put her to lay in my bed while I sat in the living room on the sofa. The kitchen was wet again but that was irrelevant— my sister was gone?

She had a miscarriage.

How?

My baby sister was dead at 14 years old.

Dialling Rodain's number it rang and went straight to voicemail. I hadn't heard from him all day and he had read the text messages I left. Where was he?

I needed my man, I needed a shoulder to cry on.

I rang his phone three more times then gave up.

Resting my head in my lap I silently began to weep.