Intertwined

Breathe in Now

So I'm publishing this before I do another edit, so please excuse any typos. I just wanted to get it out before I head to work.

More songs giving me inspiration. 'Breathe in Now', is the title of a song released in 2004 by Australian band George. The lead singer is Katie Noonan and she is an incredible singer with a range, flexibility and tone to die for.

It's still one of my favourite songs to this day and I feel like it can be hopeful and relaxing as well as help you have a good cry if needed.

To me it's about trying to gain the confidence to see the light in the world and in ourselves. It makes me think of some of our favourite TNN characters. So I thought it was a great way to check in on how they're doing.

Without a doubt one of Vivian's favourite things was the smell of roasted coffee beans. Maybe it was because, as a nurse and the mother of a toddler, coffee was practically part of her bloodstream and her body craved it to function, but even before she had Jamie and rarely drank coffee, Vivian had always enjoyed the smell. It was a warm, inviting scent. It made her think of uni days and laughing with friends. Now it made her think of Siobhan.

She looked over at her beautiful Bon Bon sitting at their table then gave the barista their order. She came to sit back down and noticed a slight frown on Siobhan's face. Vivian had come to realise that sometimes a frown on Siobhan's face wasn't because of dislike or anger, as it was often interpreted, but sadness. This was the frown Siobhan had on now.

Vivian sat next to Siobhan on the bench seat. She placed her palm up in the table for Siobhan to hold if she wanted to and lent on her other hand to look at the blonde.

'What's going on Bon Bon?' Siobhan didn't know how to verbalise her sadness right then. She just felt lost in some way. When she was with Viv she could forget how lost she was, because with Viv she was completely herself in almost every way. The one thing Siobhan couldn't figure out was what her purpose in life was and it was weighing her down. Shouldn't she know what she was meant to be doing with her life by now?

'I'm just thinking about things too much, Viv. It's nothing,' the server came over with their drinks and Siobhan took a sip of her coffee looking away from Viv and telling herself to return her gaze in a moment with a smile.

But Vivian knew Siobhan's tricks and distractions and decided she wasn't just going to skate over things today.

'You don't have to minimise your feelings with me beautiful. I'm here for all of them,' Vivian squeezed Siobhan's hand and the blonde turned around still with the sad frown on her face.

Siobhan let out a deep breath, but her eyes flooded with panic, 'What's my purpose? That's what I'm thinking about. What is it? How do I not know? Why am is so pathetic. I'm a failure. I have nothing to show for my life,' Vivian lightly touched Siobhan's cheek to bring her back from the panic she was starting to feel.

'Slow down baby. Shhh. Take a breath in beautiful,' Vivian moved her thumb over Siobhan's cheek and the blonde saw the nurse smiling at her. A beautiful smile. Siobhan thought and it brought her back to the coffee shop, brought her back to today.

'Why can't I figure out my purpose, Viv?' Siobhan wasn't really expecting Vivian to answer.
Vivian smiled. 'How do you think people figure it out Bon Bon?'
Siobhan rolled her eyes a little bit irritated. This conversation was not helping.

'Do you think I have my whole life's purpose figured out?' Vivian had her eyebrow raised at the blonde.
'You don't?' Siobhan was shocked when Vivian shook her head. 'But you're a nurse and a mother,'
'I am, but I'm not just those things. They don't define me completely. They're not my only purpose. We're much more complex than the purpose of our whole life being our career or whether we are a parent or not,' Siobhan looked puzzled at Vivian.

'What do you think your purpose in life is?' Siobhan asked leaning back and circling her fingers in Vivians palm.

'Well, I tend to take it in smaller steps, because I think our purpose can change, you know?' The way Vivian spoke with gentle wisdom made Siobhan relax and breathe in and out without any hesitation. Like she could welcome life in easily, because Vivian was there.

'How do you mean smaller steps?' Siobhan was always used to thinking a few steps ahead, fearful that life would slip through her fingers, but in all her trying to avoid her life falling apart, it had anyway.

'So, sometimes, I can just think about one day at a time. What is my purpose today?' Their faces were quite close now. Vivian had an arm behind Siobhan, holding her waist gently and the other hand now softly parting her hair so it fell neatly either side of her face. When Vivian's fingers were near Siobhan's lips the blonde shivered a little.

'And?' Siobhan asked but Vivian had become distracted looking at Siobhan's lips. 'Viv, what is your purpose today?'

Vivian looked back at Siobhan's eyes, to love you, Vivian thought. 'To spend time showing someone I care about how amazing they are,' Siobhan blushed. 'Bon Bon, you're not a failure, you're not pathetic, you've just come through something that most people wouldn't survive,' Siobhan felt tears stinging her eyes. She was trying to believe everything Vivian was saying to her, because Vivian believed it. Right then Siobhan wanted to be closer to Vivian, but the women were sitting so close, their bodies fitting together, hugging, hands interlocked. How could they be any closer in this moment? Siobhan looked away, afraid of the answer forming in her mind.

'So, beautiful,' Vivian touched Siobhan's chin to promt her to move her gaze back, when their eyes met Vivian continued, 'what is your purpose for today?'

Siobhan felt like she was falling as she gazed into Vivian's eyes. Not an uncomfortable falling. She felt like she was falling through softness, through warmth, falling from darkness and pain into light and comfort. Siobhan realised in that moment that she didn't want to live trapped in what if's of her past. What had happened to her hurt, it would still hurt for a while, but Viv was sitting here, so unconditionally accepting of everything about Siobhan. She felt comfortable enough to smile and laugh when Viv was there, she felt confident enough to hold her hand where people might see, she wanted to feel so much more with Viv and she was just starting to see it could be possible.

'Baby, you need to breathe in now,' Vivian's voice brought Siobhan out of her mind and she realised she had been holding her breath as she tried to work up the courage to live in her purpose just for today.

Siobhan put her hand on Vivian's cheek as she looked in her eyes for recognition that what she was about to do wouldn't be rejected. It wouldn't be. She saw Viv's eyes flicker down to look at Siobhan's lips and back in her eyes. A soft smile came across Vivian's face and she hoped that it would tell her what she needed to know; that Vivian was waiting, she was patiently waiting for whenever Siobhan was ready. That Vivian would wait forever for her.

Siobhan rested her forehead against Vivian's and closed her eyes.
'Viv?'
'Yes, Bon Bon?'
'Can my purpose for today be to kiss you?'
Could that be your purpose everyday, Vivian thought. 'Yes,' she responded as she felt Siobhan's lips touch hers and both women took a breath in, falling into their own world of each other, falling into arms that wouldn't hurt them, but hold them in softness and sweetness and love.

***

We were about to cross the road when I held Mia's arm to stop her.
'What is it sweetheart?' She looked at me worried and I pointed to the window of the coffee shop across the road. Mia followed my gaze. 'Oh', she responded.
'We are finding another coffee shop today Mia,' she pouted at me.
'Why?' She couldn't help her cheeky smile.
'You know why. We are not interrupting Siobhan and Vivian right now. Come on,' and I pulled her in the opposite direction.

'I'm happy for them,' Mia genuinely said. She sighed, 'Remember our first kiss?' she teased as she tickled my side.
'Baby, I will NEVER forget our first kiss', and I pulled her in for another, right in the middle of the street. Unlike the first kiss, I was completely unbothered that people had to walk around us.

'Maybe we should go home for coffee?' Mia winked as we pulled apart. The look in her eyes made me catch my breath and I pulled her back in for another kiss, just to be sure.

***