Intertwined

Little

A/N: I have been thinking the past couple of days about writing a chapter from Charlotte's oldest daughter, Grace's perspective.

So here it is...

Adults, some adults, tell you when you're a kid 'you can do anything,' and 'don't let anyone tell you, you can't make a difference, just because you're a kid, because you can,' but they don't always mean it. I think sometimes they say those things to make you feel not so little, not so helpless.

It's not that they're lying to you, they just don't know what else to say to make you feel better and so they say things they don't mean.

One thing I've realised is that there are other adults who say those things and really mean them. One of those people is Poppa Mike. Maybe it's because he's dying. He has cancer. Yes, I know what dying is. We can talk about it can't we? He talks about it. It makes it less scary, he says, and I think he's right. I've never met someone who is dying before, never spoken to anyone about it really. Poppa Mike let's my sister, Evie and I ask him question about it.

Evie wants Poppa Mike to pass on messages to angels, she thinks that people in heaven must talk to Santa and the Easter Bunny. I know that they're not real now, but I still play along for Evie and for mummy, because I don't think she's ready for me not to believe in them yet.

I ask Poppa Mike if he's scared, if he gets angry or sad that he's dying. He answers me like I'm a real, full person. He doesn't give me baby answers. He told me sometimes he gets scared because he doesn't know what death will be like and other times he isn't scared because he believes after he dies it will be peaceful, like time spent in the ocean waves or walking in a forest as the sun comes up. He said sometimes he gets sad he is dying because he knows that when he does other people will be sad like Mia (Mama) and mummy and us and his Lily (Aunty Lily).

'But are you angry that you are dying? That you have to leave?' I ask. If I were dying, I would feel like it was unfair. It is unfair that Poppa Mike is dying. He just found his daughter again and I can see how happy he is when he talks to her and how happy Mama is when she talks to him. It's like when I talk to mummy and I see her smile and I know that the whole world is ok, because she is happy.

'When I first found out I was dying, I was angry,' he looks at me curiously. 'Is there something you're angry about my Gracie?' I love when he says that I'm 'his Gracie'. We haven't known Poppa Mike that long, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like we have known him our whole lives, he is easy to love, he's funny and friendly and I can tell he cares about us.

I want to lie and tell him that I'm not angry and if I was talking to another adult I probably could lie, but he never lies to me, and I know he can see all my thoughts on my face. Mummy always tells me 'I have an honest face,' and I think that means I'm not a good liar. So I tell him, 'I'm angry that you will be gone one day. That you will die soon'.

Some adults think I say inappropriate things sometimes. I don't mean to, I just find it hard to stop my thoughts coming out of my mouth. I don't 'mince words' Mia says. I know she loves that about me, because she is like Poppa Mike in that way.

'I will die soon sweetheart. I'm sorry that makes you feel angry,' he means that, I can tell, 'but it's ok to be angry,' I didn't think we were supposed to be angry and I must look confused because he explains what he means. 'Being angry is just a feeling, like happy or sad. It's not bad to feel all different things and when we have a feeling that's a bit uncomfortable, we can find ways to express it so it helps us'.

'Like punching or screaming into a pillow?' I ask and Poppa Mike laughs. He's not making fun, he's happy I understand.

'Yes pumpkin. Or singing a song, dancing around til we fall over, going for a run, banging some drums. Lots of ways'. I think about all of those things for a little while.

'Can we put some music on to dance around to Poppa Mike. Something with angry drums please,' he smiles at me and tells me to type in 'Smells like Teen Spirit' it sounds like a weird name for a song, I look at him like he's just told me to eat a worm and he laughs.
'Trust me,' he has a cheeky twinkle in his eye. Mia gets that look sometimes and it makes mummy smile and shake her head.
'Ok, here we go,' and I hand him the remote so he can press play on the tv.

'Now for this to work and get your anger out, you have to close you eyes and just let yourself move to the music,' I frown at him in disbelief, but he raises his eyebrows at me and I roll me eyes and then close them.

When he presses play I hear the guitar start and wonder where the drums are. I love the sounds of drums, the way they feel like they're going through your body, like a heartbeat and stomping  and jumping. So when the drums start I can feel it and I start stomping and jumping. I throw my hands up and I can feel my hair flying around me. The music slows and the voice of the man singing sounds tired, like I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable things and then the drums start again and I'm jumping and spinning and my hair is crazy and as I make fists and punch the air, the unfair that Poppa Mike is leaving us punches and I don't mean to, but it feels good to move this way, to feel my anger and let it out, I open my eyes and smile and giggle and then shout 'yeah, yeah, yeah!' 

When the song finishes I flop down next Poppa. My heart is beating fast, but I feel lighter. I look up at my Poppa Mike and I can tell that he is sick, he is dying but he smiles at me and he's happy. 'Thank you Poppa Mike, I feel better'.
'You're welcome Pumpkin. I feel better too, thank you'.
'What did I do?' It's probably one of those times I didn't need to ask a question.
'You were just your wonderful self. So amazing and spending time with you helps me feel happy'. I give him a hug.
'But I'm just little a kid? I make you happy by being a silly kid?' I giggle with pink cheeks.
'You're not just little my Gracie. Don't ever let little stop you from being able to do big things, ok. Promise?' He holds up his pinky and I give him mine.
'Promise'.

***

It's a couple of weeks after the angry dance of 'Smells like Teen Spirit,' and I go into the kitchen and see Mama standing at the sink looking out the window. Her shoulders are raised up close to her ears and her fists are squeezed tight, her knuckles white. Like people do when they angry. She hears me and instantly tries to relax, but her face is honest like mine and I can still see she is angry.

I know it's not at me. It's because Poppa Mike can't stay awake for long now. He will die soon and she is going to miss her dad.

I think about what Poppa Mike told me about never letting being little stop me.

'Mama?' I ask and walk up and hold her hand. She smiles with tears in her eyes and starts to wipe them away. 'You don't have to wipe them away, I don't mind if you cry Mama,' I say one of those honest things again, but she smiles, 'can we dance to an angry drum song?' I ask.

Mama looks surprised, 'Sure,' she takes a breath, 'what song princess?'
'Well, how about 'Smells like Teen Spirit?' Mama giggles.
'How do you?' She smiles, 'Did your Poppa Mike show you that song?' I nod.
'Before you press play, we have to close our eyes to start and let our bodies just move how we feel to the music,' Mama nods her head and smiles at me.
'Ok,' and she takes a deep breath and presses play before we close our eyes. As the second section starts I open my eyes to see Mama jumping around her head moving up and down and her beautiful red hair all tangled and messy, she throws her arms up and her face is more relaxed. She opens her eyes and sees me dancing and smiles at me and I start to shout with the music and she does to and as the next heavy beat starts we both start to laugh.

When the song finishes Mama lifts me up in a hug. 'Thank you princess,' she kisses my cheek and puts me back on the ground. 'How did you get so wise?'
'Lots of ways,' I shrug, 'I just don't let being little stop me from doing big things I guess'. Mummy comes in the kitchen and sees us and is smiling. I wonder if she saw us dancing?

I decide to go play in the garden and when I look back I see them holding each other in tight hug. Mama has that look that she gets when she's with mummy, that everything in the world is going to be ok.