Fate | Baldwin IV

confessions II

He stood speechless for a brief moment, unmoving. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough, edged with a tension I hadn't expected.

"Don't wish for things you don't know if you really want."

I paused, my expression faltering for a moment as I stared at him. "I know what I want."

The air in the room felt heavier now, thick with the emotions kept to ourselves. I sighed, moving away from him, the distance growing as I slowly paced across the room. My fingers grazed the polished wood of his desk as I walked around it, the smooth surface keeping me from falling apart under the intensity of the moment. "Do you remember the day you kissed me, for the first time?" I asked, tracing the grain of the wood.

He stood still, his body tense, his eyes fixed on me. "How can I forget?" he mumbled, almost too quietly to hear.

I smiled faintly as I continued to walk in slow steps, my back to him now. "I had a conversation with your physician earlier that day," I began, my voice low. "He told me that I reject you in my head, and that I should give you a chance," I paused, choosing my words carefully, "the way you give me a chance." I could feel his eyes on me as I gathered my thoughts, my fingers trailing along the edge of the desk. "I...had some fears, you see." I lowered my gaze, my voice wavering slightly. "Not of you, but...I hadn't seen you then. I was afraid of my growing feelings for someone I knew so little of. Someone so powerful."

His presence stood behind me like a shadow, not moving, not speaking.

"I think that, it was his words that made me realize," I continued hesitantly, "that those feelings were in fact, true, and...that it was love." I turned to face him at last. "I was afraid of loving you, because it felt wrong, somehow. I clung to the feeling of shame, so I could deny it in peace."

A long moment of silence followed my words until he finally asked, "What changed?"

"I did." I said simply with a small shrug. "When you kissed me." I met his gaze, the intensity of his eyes locking onto mine. "I realized that...there's no point in denying what was already there." I shifted around slightly, pressing my lips together as I looked away. "Then, the rejection was gone. I decided to embrace it. I gave us a chance, as Salim said."

My heart began pounding in my chest as the silence stretched on, the beat reaching my ears. I took a deep breath, facing him. "And then you pulled away." I said, my voice quieter now as I lifted my head, stepping closer to close the distance between us. "The more I tried to get closer to you, the more you tried to push me away."

He flinched slightly, a flash of emotion crossing his eyes for the briefest moment.

"It's almost like...you began to reject me."

"That's not true," he said quickly, his voice a rough whisper.

"Is it not?" I tilted my head, searching his face. "You wanted to send me away."

He closed his eyes for a moment, the strain clear on his face despite the mask. "I didn't want it," he said, his voice low. "You don't know how hard it was for me to write that letter."

"Well, you pushed me away nevertheless." I said softly. "The way you still do. Even after our engagement, which you decided on your own."

"Look—" he began, but I cut him off.

"You want to protect me. I get it." My tone was gentle now, not accusing, just understanding. "You don't want me to become...like you. I don't blame you for it."

He stared at me in silence while I continued to step closer until I stood in front of him. "But you have to understand that...I don't fear it as much as you do," I said. "Yes, it's horrible and I should keep my distance, but—" I shook my head, trying to find the right words. "I can't do it. I'm sorry."