⌞ the chain ⌝

*⌞ three : lost and found ⌝*

(slight mentions of alcohol abuse)

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"Find the silence."

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The weeks following fell into a routine. Sleep all day or at least most of the day. Lie to the grid about what I was doing. Race, party, and repeat it all. It had gone like this since that first race. I hadn't won but I had gotten a taste for something I didn't know I craved. The next few races were the same. Learn the track, memorize it, see it.

It was different, in a way, from the racing I was used to. There were barely any rules, the most important was to stay on the track. There were the unspoken rules, of course. Don't do anything to wreck the other person's car; respect the driver. Some people chose to bend that last rule a bit but it was a community, weirdly. Not as tight-knit as the grid, like I was used to. But still a fucked up sort of family.

And that's what Rev had become for me. A brother. It had been a crisis when I realized that's how I saw him. It felt like I was replacing Charlie but I remembered the words he whispered to me at the funeral and how he had turned my Arty away from me. My heart broke then, and that's when I finally accepted the invitation to the after-parties.

Not that it was a smart idea, but there was something comforting about numbing a pain that never seemed to go away and would leave another sort of pain. I would trade the dull and twisting pain in my heart for the pounding headache of leftover alcohol any day.

But there were also the highs of winning and the ache of not being able to tell the people I wanted to. The grid wouldn't support it in the way that I wanted. They would tell me it was reckless and that I was choosing to grieve in ways that would end up in me meeting the same fate, but god. I had never felt more free. To feel the wind from the open windows, hearing the engine as it roared with each gear I pushed and that silence...

It had come to me in the race I would go on to win. I had been trying to find it, hearing Jules in my mind before each race. But for some reason, I would get in my head, chicken out. Throw the race. Whatever you wanted to call it. I would hit that wall and everything would be locked back in the memories of raw throats and soaking rain. The pain of not being able to do anything. It was all that I could ever feel. But that day...

I don't know what changed. It could have been the fact that I finally stopped caring about what was going on with Charlie, choosing to ignore the headlines and the wins. Or maybe it was the collection of messages from the grid telling me that I was stronger than I could have ever imagined. I wanted to believe it was because I finally started to find a piece of myself that I thought I would never be able to find again but the real reason was left in that car on that street in the moment it all faded away.

It was me. The car. And nothing else.

Everything racing was supposed to be.

My paradise, my solace.

"Yo, Lils. Let's go. We have you a race to win."

I smiled and grabbed my racing jacket, my keys already attached to my brand-new black jeans. I smiled as Rev leaned against the doorframe.

"Might as well, I have a reputation to protect now."

_

"There she is!"

I chuckled as I stepped out of the car, greeting the people I had started to become friends with. I learned that the kid I raced against that first night was some random kid from England who was spending the summer here. We called him Speed because of how quickly he could learn anything. The other person I race we call called Phoenix. They were a bit quieter, choosing to save face for the track.

"I know you all missed me."

"More than you can imagine."

I hugged Speed back as he came to rest with his arm around my waist, my arm resting on his shoulder. He was living with his grandparents who couldn't care less about what he did while his parents were god knows where doing god knows what.

"That's because you've decided to make our poor Lily your mother, Speed."

"Hey!"

I rolled my eyes but pulled him a bit closer. He reminded me of Arty and when I had decided to take the kid under my wing, I had to remind myself that I wasn't leaving my little brother behind. He knew I was always there for him and whenever he had grieved in the ways he needed, he would find his way back, just as we all would. We were siblings after all, and though there was always some fucked up competition in the house, we were still bounded through blood and secrets.

"You leave him be, Road. He's allowed to do whatever he wants, we all know he can beat your ass any day."

"Yeah, yeah."

Road, who was the one we deemed the middle child, rolled his eyes. He was a friend of Rev's, here for the summer as well. I could tell he was Welsh in the way that his letter seemed to stick in his mouth, not exactly wanting to leave.

"You're just mad that you're not only being beaten but a girl but a little kid too."

I laughed at Rev.

"Can we race or are we just going to sit here and compare dicks?"

I threw the gum wrapper I had left in my jeans from the last time I wore them at Phoenix who glared. I stuck my tongue back at him and I got an eye roll. He wanted to act like he didn't care but Nix was the one that always made sure I would get home after a really bad night of parties. An older brother, in his dismissive respect.

"You racing Lils?"

"Ah, not tonight. I think I feel like watching."

"You and that need to learn everything."

I laughed but followed the boys to their cars. We had a makeshift family here, even if it was fucked up and going to break apart at the end of the summer. But I don't think any of us cared. We were all out here for a reason. No one had to say anything but we all knew that there were some ghost we were running from on that track, hitting speeds that could kill. Because if you could, if only for a moment, find a place where none of it existed, you could try to fight for another day.

Running from it all, just to have it catch you in those moments where everything settled back down. It was a cycle and for the moment, I was okay to let it tumble me around, like a lost shell caught in a rip that only got stronger with each slam into the reef. It would break me at some point and I knew that, but if I could be a god, if I could chase that high, I was okay.

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a/n: can you tell that i've been holding this one in a bit? there was so much i wanted to say that i think too many people relate too but i'm worried of traumatizing you all more. so here is a bit of angst with more of how our girl is growing. don't worry, there's going to be more angst. and it's going to wreck all of us. but for now, here it is. as always; love it or don't :p