⌞ the chain ⌝

⌞ forty-eight : one last time ⌝

"Unconditional love is a silly little thing. You'll get used to it."

_ 

I don't know why I kept finding myself here. I sat out on the front porch as if it was the safest way for me to be here. I was still here, and that should've been enough, right? I was back in the house that had given me so many of my scars, physical and emotional. But I still felt guilt for not being able to stay in that house. I had more money in the world than I would ever need. I could get a hotel or buy a fucking house to stay in and yet... I couldn't leave. 

All the years of Father telling me I would never be good enough and now that he was dying, I felt guilt. For not staying, for pushing away my brothers, for all of it. All the years of being hit, starved, locked in that room. And all I felt was guilt because couldn't I have been a better daughter? Couldn't I have just followed the rules? Maybe it would have been better. 

"Nothing you feel is wrong, you know." 

I looked up and saw Lore leaning against the doorframe. It had been a long time since I had actually talked to my older brother. He was starting to look less like Father with each year, and maybe I found some sick form of comfort in that. "Hi, Lore." 

"Hey, Eli- or would you prefer Lu? I know that's kinda what you're going by now." 

"Pick whatever you want." I shrugged, scooting over to give him some space to come sit next to me. 

A silent olive branch. 

It's not like we were ever angry with each other. Sure, I had been angry with him for leaving all of us in that house all those years ago, but when I left, I started to realize exactly why he did it. He would have died in that house, just like I would've. I just didn't know how to reach out to him. If he even wanted to talk to me. Now, I realized that we were two sides of the same coin. Reflections in a mirror, and that's maybe the closest we will ever get to hating each other. 

He sat down next to me, and I looked up at him. He was still that rebellious teenager who would make sure we were good, even if he was gone for weeks. In his own little way. Toys for Arty, advice for Charlie... and my space. He pushed and pushed because he knew I had some sort of fire. 

"Guilt is an okay thing to feel." 

"I know.." 

"Do you?" He shook his head before gently nudging his shoulder against mine. "Cause I don't think you do." 

I rolled my eyes at him, but I did rest against his side. He reminded me of Damon in some ways. And now I missed him. I missed my home. The comfort of being in the Redbull garage with Damon as we went over the same collection of numbers for the ninth time, running around the paddock with Lando and George. Playing chess with Alex. I even missed the awful flights from place to place. 

"Is it bad that I wish he would just... die?" 

The words came out before I could even stop them. It was insane to say something like that. I didn't wish death on him. Even after all the things he's done to me, to my brothers, to everyone in this family. I should have wished him dead. And maybe I had years ago. But now? This was different. I just wanted him to go so we could all stop suffering, him included. We could move on with our lives. 

Maybe Charlie would finally be able to move out of this mindset of having to perform for everyone else. He could find his peace and re-fall in love with the sport that made him feel alive, just like I did. Maybe Arty would find his way back to that creative and outgoing little boy that I had raised all those years ago. Maybe he would find his way back to music, and maybe he would realize that you don't have to be perfect to enjoy racing. 

Maybe Lore... maybe he could find his way back to the family. Spend Christmas with us again; stop feeling the need to distance from the rest of us and enjoy being our older brother. Maybe Mum would finally get to be the woman she dreamt of, be something she was proud of. And maybe we could all find a way to forgive her. She did what she could with what she had, the cards she drew. 

"Not at all. I think you would be on the same page as everyone else in the house, including Father." 

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and I almost crashed into him, my arms wrapping around him. I could feel the tears pressing against my eyes, but I wasn't going to let them fall. I wasn't grieving the man lying in that bed, barely holding onto life. I was grieving the childhood he took away from my brothers and me, I was grieving the nightmare he put my mother through when she could have been living the best years of her life. 

_ 

"Eli... Eli, you gotta wake up." 

I groaned. I couldn't remember when I fell asleep, and from the looks of it, Arty had crawled into my bed at some point. I snorted until I remembered that someone was trying to wake me up. I rubbed my eyes and sat up to see Charlie and Lore standing in the door. 

"Father?" 

They both nodded, and I sighed, brushing them away so I could wake Arty up. I didn't know how he was going to take it. He was like Charlie in the sense that he wanted Father's approval and yet, he still craved to be like me. After all, he'd gone through it after I felt and there was no way I could leave him to go through this alone. Not after Jules. 

"Art..." 

I gently ran my hands through his hair, watching as his eyes fluttered open. He groaned and pulled the covers over his head, causing me to snort. I glanced down at my watch, it was barely four in the morning. Hell, we'd probably only slept two hours. And knowing that if Father passed, none of us would sleep. There would no way any of us would go back to sleep. And maybe I didn't want to wake him just yet. 

But there was no way I could let him miss this. So I pulled the covers down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, gently shaking his shoulder. "Art, you have to wake up. It's time." 

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a/n: it's time. only one or two more chapters in this one, ladies and gents and all the things in between. thank you, as always for reading it. and leaving the best comments behind. i read all of them. and just so you know, this isn't goodbye. there's going to be more as promised. so love it or don't :p