⌞ the chain ⌝

⌞ twenty-nine : are we out of the woods, yet? ⌝

"Might as well, I'm stuck in here."

_ 

I woke up to see Jem sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed. Charlie stayed for a bit and we got to talk. I missed it more than I wanted to admit but it was nice to have him back, if for only a few hours. I didn't know if we were going to try and build the bridge back after the foundations had been placed and if not, then that would be fine. We would find our way back at some point. Time was a patient ruler. 

"Hi." 

"Hey, princess." 

I raised an eyebrow as I sat up, reaching for the cup of water next to me. "I thought we said no more of that nickname." 

"I like it too much to let it go." He gave me a small smile. "How are you feeling?" 

"Like shit." 

We both snorted as he moved to the chair that was a bit closer. It seemed everyone liked that chair but to see him move caused some confusion. We weren't close and I would assume he hated me after the stunt I pulled. 

"You look like shit." 

"Such the charmer." 

"I've been told." A sigh. "You scared the shit out of a lot of people." 

I nodded. I didn't want that to happen. And I knew it was worse for my fathers. They'd all watched Jules die, they watched how it messed with me and to watch me go in almost the same way... I was surprised there wasn't an angry lecture coming my way. But these were also the same people who threw a party when they found out I was illegally street racing. It was weird to have family that cared. 

"What were you thinking?" 

"Honestly, just to beat you. You kinda pissed me off." 

"I tend to do that." 

I snorted. "With a lot of people." 

"Eh. Better to have enemies than friends." 

"I used to think like that but it's not the best way of thinking, you know." 

"And why is that, princess?" 

I shrugged. "Having people in your life is not an awful thing." 

"Maybe. But it means less hurt." 

I could understand where he was coming from. I knew what it felt like to lose people but I also knew what it felt like to feel like you were completely alone. Both were drowning but I would rather drown with the chance of someone pulling me up. And while you put yourself in a vulnerable position by loving, there was no drug like it. Romantic, platonic, or familial. All of it was still better than that silence. 

"True, but you do care about people." 

"And how would you know that?"

I gestured around the room. "You're here." 

"I can't let you die without telling you I got pole." 

I snorted. "Tell yourself whatever you want, you still care." 

"Against my better nature." 

_ 

Everyone had come in to say their goodbyes. Racing was still happening and there was always a world outside of a hospital, even if it didn't feel like it. But Damon stayed. He sat next to me, in that chair, watching me as if I would disappear. I knew he was probably mad at me. I was stupid and reckless and all the words in between. But he just sat there, saying nothing. I wanted him to scream, to lecture me. But he wasn't going to and he would never. He was too much like the rest of the grid. 

"You can yell." 

"I don't want to." 

"But you want to say something." 

He let out one of those chuckles that made me notice all of his exhaustion. The way his shoulders hung and the dark circles under his eyes. The messy hair, the wrinkled clothes that were the same ones as the day of the crash. I wondered if he was a less dramatic version of me after Jules. 

"I watched it happen and I thought you were going to die." 

"Damon-" 

"Don't apologize. I know why you were doing it. It was reckless, but I understand it. Hell, that was me when I was your age. And I know that you got lucky." I raised an eyebrow but didn't dare speak as he took a breath to continue. "Do you know why I was so excited to work with you, even if I knew you were going to be a pain in my ass?" 

"No." 

"You are so much like me." He snorted, running a hand through his hair making it even worse. "I was you. I sat in that car, having a vendetta against the world. To prove that I was more than what people put on me. And I did what you did. Push until there was no other choice but to hit the wall." 

He raced? Damon had never said anything about this before and from the pain in his eyes, I could tell why. Something happened, and that dream disappeared into smoke. Everything he worked for was gone in a flash. 

"But I didn't get as lucky as you did. No guardian angel to protect me." He gestured at the Bianchi crest where it still hung around my neck. "I broke my leg. And the doctors told me I could never race again. I didn't believe them. There was no way in hell they were right but when I got back in the car... I realized. I was never going to be the same. That fire was still there but my body would never be able to push it again." 

"Damon..." 

"So I went into this world. I thought it would help safely release some of that fire and until you, it never did. I saw your numbers, I watched the laps you did at the Academy. And I saw myself. I saw it from the first second you stood in front of that car. You had the same fire, the same vendetta. And I thought that if I could teach you how to deal with it, you wouldn't end up like me." 

"But I didn't. I'm okay." 

He nodded and took the hand I held out to him. "You have more to do. You have some predestined path to change the world, kid. And maybe you don't believe it yet. But I do. You're a force this world isn't ready for. But you have to find that fine line of work and limits. Drive. God Lu, drive. But don't lose yourself in that fire. Don't become me." 

There were no words to say but he knew I knew. And I knew he was right. My life had always been a fine line. A daughter, a sister, a goddaughter, and now a racer. But I had to find the balance between those things because I wasn't just a shadow or a ghost of a face. I was a mosaic of the world around me, the things that led me here, and the people that pushed me into the path I was made to follow. I wasn't stuck in the footsteps of those before me, but a girl finding her way through the wood. 

And I had to do it, that was sure. But I didn't have to do it alone. I told Jem that and now it was time to take my own advice. I was walking a tightrope and I'd slipped, but I wouldn't again. I couldn't afford it. I had to push through, if not for me and the people who got me here, for the others out there who dreamed in the dark. For those who made wishes to angels, they didn't fully believe in under the stars. 

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a/n: annnnnnnd we're back! welcome to your (not) regularly scheduled release of self-reflection and angst. i know you're all going to force me to pay for your therapy bills so just leave them in the comments. and as always, love it or don't :p