⌞ the chain ⌝

⌞ forty-three : i'll become so much worse ⌝

"And happiness is the same price as red bottoms."

_

Media day. I hated it. Why I had to sit there and answer questions about shit that wasn't important to me made no sense. But Damon said I couldn't skip it and Christian assured me I didn't. This meant that I was glaring at every camera while I was sitting here, in this stupid-looking Redbull kit, with Jem next to me. These were the people who continued to put headlines out about me. Spoiled, bitch, girl in a man's sport. I had intended to prove something. Damon told me that I was, the headlines showed that I was pissing people off which meant I was making changes or at least making myself known.

But now, there was Charlie to worry about. I was starting to be compared to him, throwing me off. It kept reminding me of all the times it would happen as kids, and I wondered if it was the reason I couldn't get my head in the game, the reason I kept seeing Father when it came time to race with Charlie. I was done with it—beyond done with it. 

"You okay, princess?" 

I blinked, looking over at Jem, and forced a polite smile. "Fine, I just hate this part of it." 

"Who doesn't?" 

"You." I snorted, shaking my head at him. "You glow under the camera." 

Jem shrugged. But we both knew it was true. It was like he fed off the attention. And while I could put on a mask for it, act like the bitch they wanted me to be. But I didn't enjoy it. I wanted to be in the car, figuring out why I was stuck in this loop of self-deprecation at the hands of my Father. 

_ 

"Miss. Bianchi-Leclerc?" 

"Mr. Buxton, my old friend." 

He smiled as I adjusted in my seat to be a bit closer to the microphone in front of me. Media day felt like a tangle of bullshit. And I was stuck in it. Thankfully, Jem had been quick to step in for me. While we still weren't friends, I was happy he was willing to be on my side. At least, as a teammate. Especially since Lando was on the other side of the fucking room. 

"There have been a lot of people who are comparing you to F1 drivers. Thoughts?" 

"You're meaning Lewis or Seb?" 

"Sure, those could work." 

I sighed, forcing myself not to roll my eyes as my hand gripped my knee. I could keep calm, even if I could feel Charlie's eyes watching me as they had the entire morning. I knew he wanted to talk to me, and I knew I had to give him the time of the day at some point. I just didn't know if I wanted to do that right now or this week. 

"You could sit there and compare me to drivers all day. I celebrate like Sebastian. I drive like Lewis, I act like Nico in the paddock. I have the same attitude as Kimi, my humor could be attuned to Daniel. Jenson and I have the same look on teammates and how to attach to them. Jules... Jules and I looked alike." I sighed, adjusting the glasses that sat on my nose. "But I'm me. I'm my own driver, my own racer, my own person. Stop with the comparisons, Will." 

"Always with the best answers, Miss. Bianchi-Leclerc." 

"Anything for my favorite reporter." 

_

"El- Lu, wait!" 

I paused once I heard Charlie's voice. I had been taking a walk around the track with Alex, George, and Lando. I just needed some time with my friends and to clear my head. It was good to get a feel for the track, even if I had possibly already raced it. It put my focus back in place. I needed that if I was wanting to find a way out of whatever bullshit I'd got myself stuck in with these flashbacks because Damon's advice and ideas weren't helping. 

"Lu?" 

"It's fine, I'll catch up." 

George and Alex nodded, starting to give us some space but Lando lingered. He was the only other person who knew about these flashbacks. I hadn't even told the grid fathers and part of me felt guilty about it. But Lewis and Nico... well, that was a minefield I wasn't exactly ready to start figuring out. Seb would probably just tell me to drive. Jenson would give me some fatherly advice and while I appreciated it, it probably wouldn't do what I needed. Dani would tell me that I needed to work through it and the middle of an important season was not the time. And Kimi... I had no idea where that would even go. 

"Lan, I'm good. I'll come find you." 

"Just... be safe. And give him a chance." 

"Yeah, yeah. I will." 

He gave me a quick swipe of his nose and I snorted, giving him one back before watching Charlie jog over to me. It was easy to see the comparison between him and Jules in this light. The same haircut, the same eyes, the smile goddamn smile. I knew the three of us looked alike and lots of people liked to say that it was more obvious that Jules was our real father, but in this light, I thought they looked more like twins than we ever did. 

"Salut." 

"Hey..." 

"Écoute, je sais à quoi tu penses et ma jumelle, je ne veux pas que tu penses que je veux que tu te retiennes." 
(Listen, I know what you're thinking and twin, I don't want you to think that I want you to hold back.) 

"You can speak English, Charlie." 

"And I want to speak to you like we're at home, Eli." 

I rolled my eyes at him but sighed, leaning against one of the barriers with crossed arms. "Je n'avais pas prévu de faire ça." 
(I didn't plan on doing that.) 

"Non? Et alors que s'est-il passé le week-end dernier?" 
(No? So what happened last weekend?) 

I met his eyes. The ones we shared. But there were differences, as always. The little bits of green that lined his iris where there was only dark blue in mine. The smile lines around his eyes where there were only red smudges that Lewis called tear rashes. It was obvious which one of us was made to shine and which was made to bask in a shadow. But he was still my twin and part of me wanted to believe that the boy I grew up playing tag with, the boy I could share secrets with in the middle of the night, the one who helped me learn tricks in karting when Father wasn't paying attention was still there. 

"Père. Il y a quelque chose dans le fait de te faire la course qui me rappelle toutes ces choses qu'il m'a dites quand j'étais enfant. Que je ne suis rien." 
(Father. There's something about racing you that reminds me of all the things he told me when I was a kid. That I'm nothing.) 

"Si tu n'étais rien, serais-tu arrivé jusqu'ici ? Eli, je sais que nous ne sommes pas en très bons termes, mais je préférerais que tu participes à la course. De façon juste et équitable." 
(If you were nothing, would you have made it this far? Eli, I know we're not on the best of terms, but I'd rather you run the race. Fair and square.) 

"Es-tu vraiment déterminé à me battre?" 
(Are you really determined to beat me?) 

He snorted, shaking his head at me with an all-familiar smile. One that reminded me of all the times we would get into stupid childhood trouble. It made me want to smile as well. Because I knew what it meant. To him, while it was important, this... between us, it was all just old childhood competition. Like our karting days. 

"Non, ma chère sœur, je veux voir ce que tu sais faire. Alors quand je gagne, je le fais parce que je le mérite." 
(Non, my dear sister, I want to see what you can do. So when I win, I do it because I deserve it.)

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a/n: didn't i promise twin content? come on now, y'all. i did deliver as i always do. and i know, its a lot of french but its the twins. and L2 content. and jem content. i think i fed you all in apologies for the wait between chapters. as always, love it or don't :p