⌞ the chain ⌝

⌞ forty-seven : twinsparency ⌝

"I'm proud of you, Eli."

_ 

"I just..." 

"It's sitting with you. It makes sense. When was the last time your dad ever said those words to you?"

I groaned because I knew Lewis was right. I couldn't remember when Father had ever said those words to me. It hurt to know that he was only saying them because he was dying and quick. Apparently, he knew for months. Charlie knew for months. Everyone knew for months, but they didn't tell me. 

I mean, I didn't make it that easy. I had never liked Father. It wasn't a secret that we didn't get along. The man abused me my entire childhood. Of course, they didn't want to tell me. So then, why did Charlie tell me? Did Father ask for me? There was no way in hell that man would want me here. Maybe Mother? But she hadn't exactly reached out either. The only people who had made it clear they wanted something to do with my life were my brothers, minus Lore. But that had always been Lore. He did his own thing.

"It's fucking with me." 

"Maybe that's what he wanted." He sighed on the other side of the phone, and I suddenly felt really bad. I was dragging him into my shit, again. Maybe I shouldn't have called. 

"Sorry, Lew. I'll let you go." 

"Hang on, now. Stop it. I answered the phone because my daughter called me. The man in that room can suck it and we'll stay up all night going over the same stuff as much as you want. That being said, we're getting you a better therapist. I don't like the one you have." 

I couldn't help but snort. Of course, Lewis didn't like the person Damon picked. She was alright, but it just felt like I was going insane. I would be doing good, and then I got thrown back into the worst place in the world and she was M.I.A. "We won't do all night. I'm sure this information will make its way around, and I'll go through the roster of fathers." 

"Whatever you need, Lily. Just... while I have you, talk to me."

_ 

I sat on the balcony, my fingers twisting around my charm bracelet. I missed Lando. I missed my people. This all just felt like one big fuck up and I'd landed myself back where my father thought I would. Where he told me I would. I hated this. I felt like I was suffocating. 

"I figured you'd be here." 

I looked over my shoulder and saw Charlie leaning against the frame of my window. The balcony had always been too small for anyone but us. Our twin space. No one really knew about it but us so it made sense that he would come find me out here. "Hey." 

"Feel like you can't breathe?" 

"You?" 

He snorted as he climbed through the window, coming to sit next to me. I moved over to make some kind of space for him. This was the closest we had been in ages, since way before I left this place. It was nice. We were grown now, but there was still something so nostalgic about having him with me. My head came to rest against his shoulder as we both sighed. 

"I didn't really want to come back either." 

"Really? Father was your... he was like your idol." 

He shrugged, his arm going around my shoulders. "I think I'm starting to realize he wasn't the best person to idolize. I tried to ignore it all but it wasn't really working once we started talking. And then everything with Arthur. It just... changed my mind." 

"So, why are we here?" 

"To be honest..." He trailed off, and I could see that aprehension in his eyes. The twin thing was coming back because I could recognize myself in that look. How silly it was that we were having these twin moments now. It was nice, as much as how awful the moment was. "It seems like he needs us here." 

"The old man hates me." 

"Yeah, well. The only person who likes him anymore is Mother. But we're all here. He's dying, Lu." 

He wasn't wrong about that. After everything, Mother was still the only person who was there for him. The abuse she went through, the pain, the suffering of watching her children go through the same thing. I wondered how many of us had actually suffered. Had Lore gone through what I did? I knew that Arty did. Had Charlie and I just missed it? My entire world felt like it was flipping on its head, and I didn't have my people. 

I made a mental note to call Lando later. I wouldn't tell him everything. He didn't need to know all of it just yet, but I wanted to hear his voice. To talk with him and hear his voice. Find some familiarity in this sea we were all drowning in. But right now, I needed Charlie, and he needed me. There was something that only a twin could fill. 

"How long does he have?" 

"They said a few months. He's... he's almost gone." 

"You worried?" 

"No, no. Maybe..." He sighed, and I leaned a bit closer, my arms going around him. I missed these little talks more than I thought I had. They were deep, but it felt right because it was us. "I hate him, but he's still dad, y'know?" 

"I stopped thinking about him as a father a long time ago." 

"That's easy for you. You have all those..." 

"I call them grid fathers," I giggled softly, shaking my head at the idea of all my father figures. To anyone else, it would have been insane. But they were mine and maybe, they could be his. "I'm sure they'd be down for another." 

"What?" 

"Dani already loves you, he's just waiting for you to come to your senses. Seb thinks you're great. Kimi is... Kimi, but once he likes you, he'll come around. Jenson is a sweetheart, he'd be excited. Lewis is easy to fall, he's got a thing for taking in strays. And Nico follows Lewis, even if they're fighting over what happened in 2016." 

"You're seriously offering?" 

"Eh." I shrugged as I sat up, brushing my fingers through his hair. He needed a haircut. I wondered who had been doing it if not me. I highly doubted he was going to Mother. He'd never liked how she cut his hair, it always ended up looking like Father's, and those two looked too much alike for him to enjoy that. "There's enough love to go around, I'm starting to realize." 

"It doesn't ever seem like that." 

"Unconditional love is a silly little thing. You'll get used to it." 

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a/n: it's twin time!! also, we're getting close to the end of this book so enjoy it all because i know its going to be a wild and very angsty ride for us all. love you lots, hope you know im not paying for anyone's therapy. as always, love it or don't :p