⌞ the chain ⌝

⌞ forty-nine : daylight ⌝

"Art, you have to wake up. It's time."

_

The second funeral I had ever been to and they were completely different. The first one, it felt like my life had been falling out from under me, rushing to cover a black eye so the people I cared about didn't notice. I was a carbon copy of my mother at that moment in time. Afraid of telling the truth about a man because it meant that there could be consequences for the people I would die for.

And now. Now I sat in front of the same mirror, looking like a woman. It was funny. How much I had changed and yet, not changed at all. I still had the same eyes, even if now they looked less tired. The dark circles gone. And while I had kept my hair short, watching as it brushed the top of my shoulders, the soft waves still framed my face. I wasn't covering up black eyes, I wasn't hiding anything. And there was no real grief in my eyes. How do you grieve a man who never loved you?

A knock pulled me out of my thoughts, and I turned my head to see my mother. She looked tired—she always did these days—and it was so funny how much this reminded me of that day all those years ago.

"No bruises to cover this time, Ma."

"Eli..." She sighed, pushing off the doorframe and coming to sit next to me.

I didn't move. I could act like I hated her but I couldn't. She was still my mother and I did love her. I knew she loved me. There was just a way this house was run and now that Father was gone, it seemed that the house was lighter. The rooms almost seemed brighter and no one seemed to be walking on eggshells anymore.

Her hand went up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and I sighed. "Ask you question, Ma."

"Would you want to speak about your father? The boys have already said no and someone needs to."

I pulled back. There was no way she was asking this of me, to say something nice about the man who had spent his life making mine miserable. He had abused me my entire life and I was supposed to stand in front of everyone, acting like he was a good father. I was not about to do that.

"Unless you feel like having people know that he was an awful person, I think it would be better that I didn't."

"It's okay to lie, Eli. But someone needs to stand up there-"

"Then you do it! I am not your scapegoat to lie about the fact that he abused me for years. I wonder what you told everyone, about why I left. Because I know it wasn't the truth." I scoffed as I stood up.

I hated the look on her face. I hated that she looked so broken, in this moment and that it was partially my fault. But if she wanted someone to lie, then she could do it herself. I was done letting that man control me. I had decided that when I ran and I was deciding it again. He was dead and I didn't believe in ghosts.

_

What I didn't expect to see when I walked into the church was my people. Lewis was chatting with Damon, probably about my racing this season. Nico was talking with Dani and Seb, they all looked solemn. Kimi was scrolling on his phone while Jenson chatted with Lando who was the first to spot me.

He ran over and I almost felt myself smile as I was practically tackled in a hug. My arms went around his neck as we spun around. "Lan, we are not making a scene at a funeral."

"I don't give a damn. You just lost your dad, I'm going to be here for you."

I rolled my eyes at him as he set me back down on my feet. I tilted my head as I looked up at him. I looked up at him? Oh my god. "You're taller than me."

He shrugged, that dorky smile on his face. I knew there would be a point he was taller than me but I did suspect it to me now of all times. But here he was, taller than me. I'd be damned. I found comfort in it, I could tuck myself right against his side and that's what I did as he walked me over to everyone else.

I made sure I was within distance of him as I greeted all my fathers. I didn't hear their words, my mind stuck replaying the last time I had seen them all like this and maybe that was why I found myself drifting back to Lando. Because he was the one thing in here that wasn't there that day. He was new, fresh. I didn't have to look at him and see ghosts I didn't believe in. And he didn't know the truth of it all. He didn't know what Father had done to me.

"Lily."

I looked up to see Lewis and that knowing look on his face. It had become familiar to me. I wondered how much he knew, he always seemed to know it all. Like he could read me without even trying and I hated it less than I cherished it.

I excused myself from Lando for a moment, promising that I would come back. He nodded, letting himself get pulled into a conversation with Dani. And I let myself get pulled to the side by Lewis. His arms were around me before I had the chance to argue and I fell against him.

"No one is asking you to be strong, love."

"I am not giving him anymore, Lew." I whispered as my hands gripped the back of his suit coat. How childish I felt, standing in the corner with my dad as I struggled with my guilt.

"And no one is saying you have to. Whatever you feel; anger, hate, sadness, all of it. You're allowed that. But not guilt." He pulled back, his hands coming to cup my face as I looked up at him.

This was real love. This was unconditional and all surrounding. This was what I should have always have. And now, I knew. Family wasn't blood, family were the people who always stood next to you because they knew your scars, your skeletons in the closet and knew you were just a child who went through too much.

"I don't want to grieve him. Not for what he did to me."

"Then don't." He smiled, wiping away a tear I didn't even realize fell. "Just be here for the people who want to. Your brothers, your mother. Be there for them."

I nodded and he pressed a kiss to my forehead, gently wiping the tears away before he nodded back at Lando. I looked over my shoulder and saw that familiar smile, the one that always made me feel like I was finally standing in the sun. I wasn't a shadow of anyone anymore. And I would like to think that Jules would be proud of that.

I gave Lewis one last smile before taking my seat next to Lando. His arm went around my waist as I laid my head on his shoulder. My brothers sat in front of me with my mother and as I watched them cry through the service, I knew that their love was complicated. Just as mine was. But I had my people, I had my family. And that was all I needed in this moment.

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a/n: do we hate me yet? no? good good because i gave you L2 content and lewis content so be happy. yeah? anyways, one more before this one ends. as always, love it or don't :p