⌞ the chain ⌝

⌞ twenty : the best ⌝

What was going to be the verdict?

_

I sat in my hotel room watching Charlie race. I hadn't done that in so long. Sure, I had looked at the race results and I still followed him on everything so I would see when he made a post. But this was the first time I had sat down and watched the race. Or any race for that matter that wasn't something I got dragged to because Lewis said I needed to be there. Hell, even then, I didn't watch them. I found something else to do. But I was stronger now. I was racing and if I was racing, I was strong enough to watch Charles race. He wasn't Jules and this wasn't Japan. I wasn't me and this wasn't Japan. It was Charlie. My other half, my twin. And he was winning.

The race had been over for ages. He'd raced around the same time I had Free Practice but I still told myself I wanted to watch it. To see my brother win. To cheer for him even if we were on opposite sides of whatever this gap between us was. He was still my twin and Jules had said not to push him away. I still needed Charlie and he still needed me.

So I sat and I watched. Hands going over my mouth when there was a close call or an overtake and cheering when he overtook someone. My breath was held as the last lap started and I couldn't help but jump up and down as he crossed first. He'd won. Just like everyone always knew he could do. I turned it off after that and opened my phone, staring at his contact like it would tell if I should text him or not. I hadn't been able to. And it had been so long since all of his texts stopped. If there was going to be talking between us, I had to start it.

Sighing, I closed my phone. Maybe I would find the courage another day. For now, all I had was my guilt and the emptiness of a hotel room. Sleep was what I needed since it was Quali tomorrow but it didn't come. It never did anymore.

_

"You look like you fought death and barely scraped by."

"Thanks, Lando."

He nodded, moving to go sit somewhere else when Damon came into view. He set a coffee in front of me and I took it, chugging as much of it as I possibly could before a hand touched my arm.

"I said to sleep."

"Damon, you really think I look like this by choice?"

He shrugged. "You like to go against what people say."

"You like to push my buttons."

He snorted. "Lu, you do need to find a way to rest on these weekends. I know it's hard with the time difference and everything but you cannot race well if you're not well."

"I know, trust me. I know all that."

"So then it's something different?"

I nodded. "Stupid shit."

Damon put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze. I gave him the best smile I could muster but it didn't do me any good. I felt like I was going to slip and fall at any moment.

"I need to call someone."

He raised an eyebrow but gave me a nod. I grabbed my phone and went to find a quiet corner. I wasn't going to call Lewis, he would be worried for me and would tell me to take a step back. That it would be okay to slow down. Nico would do the same and that's not what I needed. It took me a second to find the contact but when I did, it only rang for a second.

"Sunshine? Are you okay, you never call."

"Hi, Seb. Yeah, well actually. I don't know. I just need to talk to someone."

"Chat away. I will get disqualified if I have to."

I snorted as I took a seat, holding my knees close to my chest as I found a way to get the words out. "I watched Charlie's race last night. First time I've watched a race since... well, you know. And it was good. Nothing happened. Well, I mean he won. But I got freaked out."

"About what, sunshine?"

"I went to text him and all of a sudden it was just guilt. But that's not the point. I need you to tell me something so I can go race my quali."

He snorted and it took some of my tension away. "I cannot tell you anything that will make you race. What I can tell you is that in your first ever time on a competitive track, you got P3. That's impressive and it gives you a shot to win this weekend. Your first ever. So fuck whatever this is, put your big girl pants on, go fucking race."

I nodded, wiping at the tears. They weren't sad or happy but just a release of emotion. And this was exactly why I'd called Seb. He wasn't going to bullshit me on any of it. He knew what needed to happen and that was racing.

"Thank you."

"Of course, sunshine. And know that we are all cheering for you from here. Fucking Toto has it up on one of the screens."

He said his goodbyes and I hung up the phone. I took a second to catch my breath and think about what he said. It was a push your emotions to the side and race. That was all, that was it. I had the chance of touching the podium today and I wasn't going to throw that away because I was worried about what Charlie thought of me. He had made that clear years ago. My dream was my dream now.

I walked back over to Damon who stood, holding my coffee. "Good?"

"Let's go win something."

_

"Okay Lu, sitting pretty at P6."

I groaned into the turn, knowing that I was going to hurt like a bitch once I got out of this car but it didn't matter. I had laps to make and times to get put down.

"Gap to Norris?"

"Second and a half."

Well, that was something I could do. But I wasn't here to beat Lando. Nothing about team orders had been said so far which meant my laps and times were free reign. I wanted more than that. I wanted to be up there. As Seb said, it was time to put my big girl pants on and race.

"Gap to leader?"

"That would be Wright, two seconds point three."

"Am I clear?"

"Until I'm told differently, go hunting."

I nodded and as I crossed the line to start my next lap, I put the pedal to the floor. I could see Lando ahead of me and I told myself that was the first step. A second and a half was nothing. I could get there. I knew the track now. I knew how everyone raced. This was what I could do and so I pushed.

I'd seen Lewis do this time and time again. Start and push. The turn came and I held that line. I really needed to learn the other driver's names so I could cross them off when I passed, lord. But I pushed that thought to the side as I came up on Lando.

"Still in the clear, Lu. No words yet. Point eight of a second."

"Copy."

I kept pushing and I could tell Lando had seen me. His defense came up. He wasn't about to give P3 to me that easy. And after yesterday, I'm sure he assumed I was under team orders not to pass him. But I was going to. Or at least I was going to try. But as we crossed the line, I was still stuck behind him.

"This little shit." I hit my radio button. "I swear to god, Damon. Do I have time for another lap?"

"Only this one you've already started."

"This little sh-"

"Words, Lu."

I sighed and hit the radio button before I locked back into the race. I could see Wright just a few seconds ahead of both me and Lando. There was someone between them that I didn't know the name of. It didn't matter. I needed to get past Lando.

I pushed as hard as I could, faking early and going wide but as we came back around he was there to block me. On the straight was the last place I could make my move. But there wasn't a chance. Lando was there every time I tried to move. The flag fell. P4.

"Lu, good work."

"Don't lie to me."

"I would never. You did great work. We'll go over tapes when you get back in."

I sighed and took the cooldown lap before heading into the garage. The worst part wasn't being able to pass Lando. I could deal with that. But it was the fact that there were people who I cared about who wanted to see me win. And I had failed them. They would tell me it was fine, it was my first time, it didn't matter that much. But it mattered to me. I had to be the best to prove that I even deserved to have my seat.

P4 wouldn't be enough.

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a/n: welcome back, loves. i wanted to update my other fic a bit more before i spent some time on this one but here it is!!! yay!! welcome back. as always, love it or don't :p