Alive (Phan)

SIXTEEN

When I was growing up, my dad was always really supportive. He came to all my plays and recitals. Mum always called him my biggest fan. If I was ever nervous for an audition or performance, he would reassure me and tell me it took a lot of courage to get in front of an audience. On several occasions, I remember him saying that he wished he was as brave as I was. He always said it took a real man to put on makeup and costumes and act in front of people.

As I got older, people started to make fun of me for being into drama. Once, after a show, some guys cornered me behind the theatre and beat me until I coughed up blood. After that, I told my parents that I wanted to quit drama, but Dad told me that was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard. He told me I needed to follow my heart and never let other people stop me. I remember crying and telling him that I was scared, so he signed me up for boxing lessons. That's how I learned to defend myself.

I can still remember the first proper fight I got into. An older boy named Marcus had cornered me. I remember him yelling that I was a faggot and the next thing I knew he was crying and my knuckles were bruised and then I was in the headmasters' office with my parents. After that, people kind of just left me alone.

When I was fourteen, I got my first big role as Algernon in our school's production of The Importance of Being Earnest. That was when I met Ezra Parker. Ezra was really into technical theatre and he was the best painter I've met in my entire life, especially for a sixteen-year-old boy. Ezra was tall and ginger and a little stocky and not really what most people would think of as attractive, but didn't matter to me. I thought he was perfect. Once, after dress rehearsal, he told me that I was the best actor he'd ever seen and that was a big deal because he'd been to plays in London. He told me that he really liked me and that we should hang out sometime and I said that sounded like fun. We quickly became best friends. We hung out every day after school and before rehearsal and after rehearsal and pretty much any time we could.

Once we were sitting on the swing set in the park where we liked to hang out and Ezra kissed me. I was really surprised, but I was also happy. He told me that he was in love with me and I was beautiful and then I kissed him again. He asked me to be his boyfriend. I was really nervous, but I said yes. I really did love him. I couldn't stop smiling that whole day. I was so excited to tell Mum when I got home. It's funny to me now, how I'd never really thought about the fact that it wouldn't be okay. All the other boys my age were in relationships and it was no big deal. But, I guess, they were in relationships with girls.

When Dad got home, Mum said she needed to talk to him in private. When he came out of the kitchen, I was sitting on the sofa reading a script for an audition that was coming up. He ripped it out of my hands and told me to stand up so I did. He pushed me onto the ground and yelled at my mom to go back to the kitchen, which she did. I screamed a lot and I know that my mom could hear me because our walls were very thin and I could hear her crying too. But she couldn't do anything, and I knew it. That just made the whole situation even worse.

My dad kept yelling that I should stop whining and take it like a man. Afterwards, he went to his bedroom and I just laid on the floor crying and my mom came in and held me and told me everything was going to be okay. But it wasn't. Dad made me quit drama. He also told me I wasn't allowed to see Ezra anymore, but that didn't stop me. That night I snuck out and ran to his house. I stayed there until four in the morning, just crying in his bed as he held me in his arms. He also told me everything was going to be okay and I really, really tried to believe him, but I didn't.

For the next six months, I snuck over to Ezra's almost every night. My dad barely spoke to me. He hit me a few times, but never as hard as the first. Every time Mum would cry and beg him to stop, but he never listened.