Alive (Phan)

FOUR

"I swear I don't remember any of that!" I said with a laugh that I hoped sounded carefree. It was a cloudy Monday afternoon and a slight drizzle of rain dampened Chris's and my hair as we walked across the college toward the dormitories. Phil hadn't been in Lit that day so I hadn't seen him or PJ since the party.

"You're meeting with him and Di today right?" Chris questioned.

"Yeah at 4."

"Look, Dan, you're a really cool guy. I don't want you getting hurt." there it was again. That paranoia: just like when he was yelling at Phil. I didn't understand why one drunk dance meant so much to him. It didn't mean anything.

"What would hurt me?" I asked, "I'm not gay and neither is Phil. We were both just drunk so why is it-"

"Wait, what?" Chris stopped dead in his tracks, "What did you say?"

"I'm not gay and neither is Phil so why does it mat--"

"Oh God." Chris ran his fingers through his hair so forcefully I was shocked that he didn't rip every follicle from his scalp.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Are you really that clueless?" Chris shook his head, continuing to tug at his hair.

"Clueless about wha--" and then it hit me like a truck. How had I not realized?

"Phil's gay?" Saying the words out loud set it all in stone. Of course Phil was gay. He didn't even try to hide it, now that I thought about it. Was that why he had been staring at me? The comments on my arse, picking me up, walking me to Chris's, carrying me sputtering and drunk up to Chris's bedroom. Did Phil do that to all guys? Or was I special somehow? Was that why Chris had freaked out after the party? Did Phil have a crush on me? And, oh God, I'd held his hand.  And we'd danced. 

I felt the color rise in my cheeks and butterflies flutter in my stomach.

Faggot. I felt my whole body tense as the vile word rung in my mind. 

Shut up. I attempted to turn off my brain, quieting my thoughts.

"Well I'm not gay," I stated simply. "Shit."

"It's okay. You didn't know," Chris said, putting an arm around me as we started to walk again, "But you should probably sort that out, don't you think?"

"Yeah," I said, "Yeah, I'll talk to him before we meet up with Di."

"Good man!" Chris said, slapping me on the back like his usual, happy self.

When we reached the dorms, PJ and Phil were sitting on Phil's bed pouring over a manga and laughing.

"Hello, love!" PJ sang and we entered.

"Good afternoon, Pet," Chris said, bounding over to Phil's bed and planting a long, wet kiss on his boyfriend. PJ laughed through the kiss and playfully threw him off and climbed on top of him.

"OI!" Phil yelped, looking up from his comic at the couple passionately making out next to him, "You lovebirds are shaking the bed!"

"Oh Phillip, do you know nothing of love?" Chris shouted through the kisses PJ was smothering him in, "You cannot stifle the love of two crazy, stupid youth!"

"Well as long as it's young love, what can I say?" Phil laughed, returning his attention to his book. Phil had a funny way with people. If two of my friends were making out on my bed I would probably just get annoyed and push them off, but not Phil. He was the most genuinely kind human being I had ever met. I envy that I think. More people should be like him.