It was raining. Again. Funny how English weather always seems to embody by internal suffering. I lay in my bed, staring at my ceiling, allowing the rhythmic drumming of the rain against my window to lull me into a state I can only think to describe as distraction. Distraction from everything that had happened, from everything I was feeling, from everything I didn't understand.
There was a crack in my ceiling directly above my bed. I had noticed it before, of course, but it had been a long time since I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for an extended period of time. Somewhere in that time I must have forgotten about it. Funny how our minds forget some things, yet others we can't seem to get out of our heads if we try. For example, I wanted to forget that my boyfriend was on drugs, but instead, I forgot that there was a crack in my ceiling. I wanted to forget that the person who mattered most to me in the world had been lying to me since the day we met, but instead, I forgot all of the good times we'd had together.
Were any of those things even real? I couldn't help but wonder to myself as I lay willing the crack in the ceiling to grow wide enough to swallow me whole. Does he even care about me at all? Or am I just a little fun to be had in between highs? I felt my eyes getting wet but I couldn't tell if I was crying from sadness or anger. Anger. Definitely anger, I decided. I was fuming. I was furious. How the hell could Phil do that to me? It had been a stretch, a leap of faith, to forgive Phil for seeing Michael in the first place. But drugs? Drugs? Convenient how he had left that little game changer out of the equation.
You don't lie to people you love like that, I thought. He used you.
God damn it.
I couldn't take it anymore. The silence, the hypnotic rain, the crack in the ceiling, my thoughts consuming me: driving me insane. I rolled onto my side and grabbed my iPod off of my bedside table and slipping my earbuds in and allowing whatever fate would put on shuffle rescue me from the hell I was living in.
Thought I'd find it easier
Under lock, chain and key
Thought I'd find it easier
To just keep you to me
When the wisdom and the patience
Of the world's wasted on me
That's when I shut down my relationships
Watch them floating out to sea
I understand that it never ends
She's waiting round every corner; round every bend
And it hurts to know that I won't know if you knew how the summer went
I understand silence
I understand that it never ends
She's waiting round every corner; round every bend
When you're scared and lost don't let it all build up
Break the silence
Someone to call a best friend
Someone to be there when it ends
When you're scared and lost don't let it all build up
Break the silence
"Bear?" Mum was knocking gently on my door, pulling me back to reality. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah," I mumbled unenthusiastically. She pushed open the door tentatively and sat on the edge of my bed. I had my back to her but I didn't turn around; I simply pulled my headphones out to show I was listening, but she didn't say anything.
YOU ARE READING
Alive (Phan)
FanfictionDan Howell is invisible. That's all he knows how to be. Terrified of standing out, he is happy going unnoticed by his peers, finding company in only the old rock and roll songs on his iPod. But Dan's life is turned upside-down when a boy in his dram...
