The Black Snow Circus

"Brotherly Love"

Day 678, September 3rd.
Today was the same as any other day. Boring and bleak, nothing that sparker any type of emotion in me. Not like I feel anything anyways.
I keep this journal, writing in it, even is no one will see it. Dumb, isn't it? Oh well. Time to talk about stuff I don't understand. For example, Eric. He always gets so red and flushed around me. Does my appearance make him sick or is something about me weird to him? He always stutters, so strange. Another thing I don't understand is everyone when I return from a..."break." They act like nothing happened, not that I care anyways. Kind of can't care if you lost your emotions 5 years ago! But Nevermind that. Everyone also always avoid me when I walk around. They think I don't see them scurrying away like rats in a sewer. They always make these odd squeaking sounds of,.,fear maybe? Maybe I'll ask Eric about fear later since he usually is the one that explains emotions to me. Along with no longer feeling anything, I also...forgot what anything felt like. So maybe I do feel emotions and don't know it? No, that's not possible, otherwise "he" would have told me. Still, I wonder, what do emotions feel like? Like happiness or joy, the ones I pretend to always feel. It's best to seem like I am always having fun, because then no one knows that I can't actually feel anything. Ah, there I go again, ranting about emotions and such. So back to the things I don't understand. Ah, who am I kidding, time to talk about how I don't understand emotions! I do this every day, same old thing. So what are emotions like? Eric says joy is like being in the sun dancing alone in an open field of daisies. It's such a weird explanation to me. He says that there's many forms of joy, multiple names, like happiness, enjoyment, etc. Why are there so many names for a single emotion? Then there's anger, which he says feels like your blood has gone cold, and then your body getting really warm all the sudden, and it's also a emotion that people in the mafia can not use as it can lead to....incidents like the ones I cause, except I don't feel anything, I just do it because "he" would want me to. All the emotions I act like I have are there because he tells me to pretend, anyways. I don't know why everyone "fears" him. Seriously, I really need to ask Eric about this fear thingy. And why everyone fears "him." I kind of also wonder why "he" wants me to call "him" by just pronouns and never what I call him, even in this journal. Like it's not horrible for what I actually call him when we come face to face. Oh, that reminds me, my meeting with "him" is in only a few months. Gotta remember to not die until then! Does that count as a joke that causes "laughter?" Eh, I don't know. Ok, now it's time to talk about assassination. It's really boring to be honest. Fight some bodyguards, attack the target, watch them beg for their lives, then kill them gruesomely since that's how I leave my mark. Whether it's obvious torture to mental stress, they always know it's me. Though no one outside of the top five and obviously "him" knows what I look like and how old I am. Reason? Because not one person I target can make it out alive. But here's another thing I wonder, well it's something everyone questions, deep in the back of their oh so "innocent" minds. What is the meaning in this thing called living? It's not like I want to die or anything, I am not that stupid. But why are we on this earth? Why do we have these odd memories? Why do some like me not care about taking a life while it scares others! Why, why, why, why, why? Oops, got carried away on my thoughts for a second there, haha. It's not funny I know, but hey, gotta pretend even though I literally write how I don't feel in this journal. Eh, doesn't matter. Oh, this is something I should write about, or more someone. It's two things really, so let's start with Jack! He is my twin brother, after all. Though he's so strange. He always fades into the background, like some unimportant extra in a novel, when he is apart of the top five in the Clear Water Mafia! (Such a stupid name for a mafia, but hey, I can't judge the bosses who came before "him") Jack is so strong. If I could still feel, I'd probably feel..what's the emotion, admiration? He always hits his target directly in the head. Though it is a boring way of killing, he's a sniper so that's how it is. But back to his behaviour, he's odd, in my eyes anyways. Whenever someone approaches him, he's always really nice, but quiet around them, and then there's times like today. I'll write out how it went, since I have it memorized down to the last word and actions.

I went along the supposed paths people had made from walking around the circus grounds, and saw Jack. I should go tell him about Fin. Now, how to approach. Meh, I didn't care. I walked up to him, and he turned his head, and immediately his face turned to a annoyed glare, as he spoke quietly
"What do you want, Circe?"
I put on a smile and said
"Oh, nothing much, just though I'd tell you tha-"
He interrupted me with a ferocious, snarling kind of voice
"Tell me what, that you're super happy about the village men you slaughtered? That you took a break and killed more while laughing? Like the psycho you are. Don't even tell me anything, you're just going to be the weird little person you are."
I didn't react at all. No look of hurt, no joy, nothing. Seriously, he was such a pain. He always acted like I was some kind of rodent or something. You'd think he would have some brotherly love for me! Oh well, what could I expect, from this dear brother of mine. He has always hated me, even since we were kids, though I never knew why. I never really did anything to cause him to hate me. There was one thing, but that was years ago, and he's super smart, so you'd think he'd be over it or figured out what to do with me. He could at least pretend to not hate me. He gets reprimanded for it every time we see "him." Oh well,
"Whatever, Jack. Just to let you know, I wasn't going to talk about the fun I have while killing. But....You. Decided. To. Not. Listen." With each word I would step closer to him, looking up at him with my eyes, which are cold and empty, reflecting off his grey eyes, which were filled with a emotion I didn't know, probably fear or something. I straightened up and walked away. All I could hear was a "tsk" and his footsteps in sync with mine as he walked away. His loss. I went back to my tent, to write in my journal.

Anyways, yeah that's how it went. Such a jerk, am I right? Anyways, I have to turn off my light and go to bed, and probably have Valia scream and give me nightmares again, even though I never show emotion in it or anything. I don't even know why I am sent on a break each time I do something like a massacre, Tara says it's because I scream in agony or whatever, but I don't know what she's talking about. Because I don't feel anything, not even in my dreams. And I always wonder why Valia shows Fin in my dreams? Is it because....he was the replacement for my brother, Jack? The replacement of him...the one who gave me the true "brotherly love."

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