My Life Without Her

-Her- (Part 1)

I don't know why I kissed him, it just happened! It was like my mind had no control over my body, causing my emotions to take over. I just really didn't know what to think anymore. Because when you think about it, once we go back to New York we can't just act like nothing happened; it was impossible! At least for me because the guilt was eating me alive.

Nate would hate me if he found out but I did it anyway. He'd call me a hypocrite because I'm always going on about how much I hate it when people cheat on each other. Ironic, huh?

We were now at the airport, saying goodbye to my mother. God, how I hated goodbyes! They were always so sad and emotional; I had been emotional enough already, I was getting sick of crying.

"Promise me you'll be okay." I said as I wrapped my arms around my mother's neck, hugging her tightly, she chuckled softly and I felt her nod

"Don't worry about me, honey; I'll be okay." She said as she pinched my cheeks softly and wiped my eyes with her thumb "Don't be a stranger, honey. I know its hard coming back for obvious reasons." She said and I shrugged softly "But this is your home." She whispered and I hugged her tightly again, a lump forming at my throat

"I love you." I whispered before sniffling

"I love you more." She said with a soft smile; she turned her gaze to Lucas who was a couple steps back, he smiled down at her when he saw her before hugging her causing me to smile. I saw his mouth moving as he talked to her but I couldn't make out what they were saying

"You ready?" He said as he came up to me, I shrugged but eventually nodded anyway, he grabbed my carry-on from the floor which immediately made me smile; I turned back to my mother and waved at her one last time. "Okay?" He asked as he looked down at me in concern, I smiled softly, nodding

"Yeah, I'm okay."

*****

I slept the whole flight which was awesome, but my neck hurt so bad I could barely move it. Dinah had texted me as soon as I got off the plane saying that we needed to go to hers immediately!

"What do you think she wants?" I asked Lucas as soon as we reached Dinah's porch, he shrugged with a sigh

"Who knows with Dinah." He said as I knocked on the door; it flung open almost immediately, causing me to stumble backwards in shock

"Nate!" I breathed with widened eyes as he looked at me with a wide smile, wrapping his arms around me, lifting me off the ground as he hugged me

"Surprise!" He said as he set me down; I blinked slowly as I took it in. Oh, my
God! I knew I had to face him sooner or later; but not this soon! From the corner of my eye I glanced at Lucas who was also shock-ridden but he hid his emotion better than I did as he greeted everybody

"W-What are you doing here?" I stuttered and he looked at me, confused

"Aren't you happy to see me?" He mumbled and I shook my head

"No! I am!" I exclaimed as I tried my best to muster a smile "Just... shocked and I'm also tired from the plane." He wrapped his arms around my neck as he pulled me close, I sighed into his chest

"You okay?" He whispered as he searched my eyes, I bit my lip as I nodded softly

"Yeah," I breathed "I'm okay."

*****

I was now upstairs with the girls in Dinah's room as all the boys were downstairs, except for Lucas who abruptly said he had to leave.

I knew why, though. He couldn't look at Nate and frankly... neither could I. Every time I looked into his beautiful blue eyes I felt my heart clench with guilt. What had I done?!

"Okay," Dinah breathed as she sat on her bed, cross-legged along with me and Dani "what's up with you? Ever since you got here you look at flustered and... weird." She said, making motions with her hands "Same goes for Lucas." She added, but I could see the smirk she was fighting.

Goddammit, she knew me too well.

"Did something happen between you two?" Dani asked, instantly curious as well, Dinah only raised her eyebrow at me as I groaned and covered my face with my hands

"We kissed." I whispered, barely audible

"I KNEW IT!" Dinah bellowed, causing me to shush her loudly "Sorry." She whispered with a giggle "You bad girl." I groaned loudly as I smashed my face into a pillow and screamed into it

"Really? You kissed him?" Dani pressed with a fighting smirk as well. What the hell?! Did they not see how horrible this was? How could they be happy about this?

"Yeah." I said with a frown "I'm such an idiot." I moaned "I didn't expect to have to face Nate so soon, as well." I said with a heavy sigh

"How was it?" Dinah said excitedly "Was it as amazing as you remember?"

"Even better." I whispered and they squealed "What is the matter with you two?!" I exclaimed "How can you be excited about this?!"

"Because El..." Dani sighed "it's you and Lucas... you guys are so meant to be wether you like it or not."

"That reminds me, the boys owe us twenty bucks each." Dinah muttered and my jaw dropped at her, she only shrugged

"You bet on us?!" I hissed "What kind of best friend are you?!"

"Come on, El." She sighed "You're overreacting!"

"I'm engaged, D!" I exclaimed as I pointed to my ring, even looking at it hurt "How do you think Nate will feel when he knows I cheated on him?!"

"It was just one kiss, big deal." She shrugged

"It was more than one." I muttered and they gasped

"You dirty girl." Dinah breathed "You're naughtier than I thought!" She giggled as she high-fived Dani

"How would you feel if Andy kissed some girl?" I said and she shook her finger at me

"That'll never happen." She said "He loves me and I love him. I would never dream of cheating on him." She said with a shrug "Your situation is different; you two broke up and you didn't get closure because of what happened. So you buried your feelings for Lucas." She said

"And when he came back into your life, your feelings for him rushed to the surface as well." Dani added, pointedly "It was only a matter of time before something happened." She added with a shrug

"What am I going to do?" I whispered

"Tel Nate the truth and from there just roll with the punches." Dinah said ad she grabbed my shoulder "It's going to be okay."

"How do you know that?"

"Because this is you we're talking about." She said with a light laugh "I just know, okay El? And we're here for you. All of us."

"I love you guys." I said as I reached out for them, wrapping my arms around them as we hugged in a circle