My Enigma

Chapter Twenty-Three

Auroras POV

The cool air hit my face as I left therapy, calming me momentarily. Dr Roxanne had given me so much to think about, but all I could feel was the weight of exhaustion. I would move forward, follow her advice, and focus on myself. 

By the time I got home, I was drained. I didn't expect to be walking into a storm.

"Aurora?" My Mum called out.

"Yeah," I answered.

"Where have you been?" My mom's voice came sharply from the kitchen, making me freeze in the doorway. I hadn't even taken my shoes off yet.

Fuck, what had I done?

"Therapy," I answered, trying to keep my tone neutral. "I told you."

"I'm not talking about now," she snapped, her hands on her hips as she stepped into the hallway. "I'm talking about last night. Why didn't you tell me you weren't coming home?"

Fuck!

I sighed, my stomach knotting as I realized what she was upset about. "I stayed at Hanna's. I didn't think it was a big deal."

I had genuinely forgotten to inform her, and I was just trying to downplay the situation, hoping she would not get more upset, but I knew damn well I had messed up.

"You didn't think? Aurora, you haven't stayed anywhere else overnight since Levi." Her voice cracked a little, but her frustration outweighed the sadness. "I was worried sick."

I dropped my bag by the door, feeling a familiar guilt creeping in. "Mom, I'm sorry. I should've told you, but... I just needed some space."

Oops, I should not have said that.

"Space from what? From me? From this house?" She crossed her arms, her eyes narrowing in a way that made me feel like a child again. "Do you even know what it's like for me, wondering if something happened to you? After what happened to Levi?"

My heart twisted at the mention of his name. She didn't bring him up often, but it hit like a hammer when she did. "I know, Mom. I'm sorry."

"You know?" Her voice rose, sharp and incredulous. "You don't know, Aurora. You have no idea how hard it is for me to lose one child and constantly worry about the other."

I opened my mouth to defend myself, to say something, but the words got stuck. She was right, in a way. I couldn't understand her grief as a mother, just like she couldn't understand mine as Levi's sister.

She shook her head, her voice dropping. "You've been so distant. Ever since you got back to school and started hanging out with your friends... you're pulling away from me,"

"I'm not pulling away from you," I say, trying to reassure her even though I know deep down it's sadly the truth.

She stepped closer, her eyes searching mine. "Aurora, you've been shutting me out. You're not talking to me, you're not telling me what's going on in your life. I don't know how I can help."

I swallowed hard, the tension rising in my chest. "I'm just trying to figure things out. I'm dealing with stuff, and I don't have all the answers. But I'm not trying to shut you out."

"Then stop acting like I'm the enemy," she said softly, the anger in her eyes fading into something closer to pain. "I miss you, Aurora. I miss us."

Her words made my throat tighten, and I suddenly felt so tired. Tired of pretending everything was fine, tired of trying to balance grief and heartbreak and the pressure to be okay.

"I'm doing the best I can," I whispered, my voice cracking as I looked down. "I'm trying to keep it together."

We stood silently for a moment, the air thick with our unspoken words. Finally, she sighed, the tension easing from her posture.

"I know you are," she said, her tone softer now. "I just wish you'd let me in."

"I'm sorry," I repeated, and this time, I meant it in more ways than one.

She nodded, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Just... next time, let me know if you're not coming home. Okay?"

"Okay," I murmured, my chest still tight.

With that, she hugged me and then walked back into the kitchen, leaving me standing alone in the hallway, feeling more drained than before.

I headed to my room, shutting the door behind me as I leaned against it. The argument left me feeling raw. I could not help but think this was partly about what was going down between Luke and me.

I hated the fact that he had affected me so deeply.

It felt stupid, really. We never even dated, yet here I was, acting like he had torn my heart out. But in a way, he had. He'd let me fall for him, let me think there was something real between us, only to ghost me when it was convenient for him. And that hurt more than I wanted to admit.

I slumped onto my bed and pulled out my journal, flipping to the first blank page. Dr. Roxanne had suggested journaling to help me process everything, but I didn't know where to start. I'd never journaled before.

After a few moments of staring at the blank page, I began scribbling, the pen moving faster than my thoughts could catch up.

"I don't know how to stop caring about someone who clearly doesn't care about me. Luke. He's there, but he's not. And I'm here, pretending like I don't notice, but I do. Every time I see him, my stomach turns, and I hate myself for it. How can I have feelings for someone who's been so cold? How can I still care about someone who probably never cared about me? I mean, How could he say he was unsure of me and us and whatever? I am so ashamed at myself for reading too much into things that weren't there, Ugh Rory you have to do better. I didn't disclose any part of that to Hanna or my therapist because I mean, How desperate would I seem? It sounded so bad, I'm sure they would have ended up pitying me cause honestly what was that? Ugh, I hate myself for being so vulnerable. I mean, this guy knew almost everything about me but I knew nothing about him, I don't even know how he came here let alone how he knew Gabe, ugh I guess these are realizations that damn, maybe there was never anything going on between us deeper than friendship. Its exactly how Dr, Roxanne said it, I just needed someone to be there for me and Luke was there for me at the right time so in my mind I thought we had formed a bond because he had gotten to see me at my lowest but to him he was just being a friend. Fuck! How could I have read the signs so terribly? How could I have allowed myself to catch feelings for a guy I didn't even know, a guy who was nothing but a mystery?"

The words flowed out in a mess of frustration and confusion. Writing them down didn't make me feel any better, but at least they weren't just sitting in my chest and mind anymore.

I snapped the journal shut and threw it onto my nightstand, leaning back against the pillows. My phone buzzed, and I picked it up to see a message from Hanna.

Hanna: Hey! Wanna do a girls' day soon? Just us?

I smiled faintly. Hanna always knew when I needed a distraction. She was truly an angel.

Me: Yeah, let's plan it. I could really use one.

We made plans for the weekend when it would be just the two of us. No Gabe, no Luke, no drama. Just Hanna and me, like old times.

I knew avoiding Luke wasn't the solution to everything, but it was the only way to protect myself and my heart right now. If I could focus on myself, on my friends, on healing and building my relationship with Mum...  then maybe, eventually, I'd feel less like I was falling apart.

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Alegna.