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The silence in my ear vanishes as the sound of the car key turning fills the room.
I become aware of my surroundings as I glance over my parking lot, sitting from the driver seat.
The surroundings washes away as the familiar feeling stirs me again.
I want to cry.
I, Atharv Singh Raizada, have never felt the urge to cry in the 32 years of my existence. I don't even remember the last time I cried. It probably would be from my childhood.
But when I woke up today, next to Evara, curled up my in arms, her little body clinging onto mine as if I am her life support, a strong pang of guilt stinged me so sharp that I wanted to cry my heart out.
Over the past few years, I have muted and buried my emotions. I forgot that I could feel. Feel for somene.
Last night, whatever happened with Evara, is consuming me from inside. I hate myself right now.
I wish I could stab myself with a knife and then twist that knife as hard as I can to pain myself because the pain I have given to her would be nothing compared to even this.
I hate myself for giving up on my control. I hate myself for letting the guard and the boundaries down. I hate myself for leaving her like that.
Just as I woke up, I realized what a catastrophic mistake I had made.
She said no. She denied it many times. But I couldn't stop myself.
Just as I think of it right now, shame fills me. I feel shameful of myself for being so blinded with lust and desire that I forgot that she is my intern. She is literally 10 years younger than me.
But in the heat of the moment, I could see nothing. I forgot every moral I ever carried, I forgot what is right and what is wrong. I just wanted her. I just wanted Evara.
Crushing guilt and intense regret engulfs me as the moments from last night hovers over me. It almost feels too much that I actually start feeling an ache in my chest.
The scary thought of facing her is dreading me. I couldn't even muster up the courage to talk with her when I woke up.
What did I do instead?
I ran away like a coward man.
I am disgusted with myself.
I woke up early in the morning around 6:30 A.M, and saw myself on the couch in her living room. She was right on top of me, her body slightly covered with the comforter. All the guilt, remorse and regret overwhelmed me as I stared at her.
She was in deep slumber, sleeping peacefully. I didn't want to wake her up, but right now I wish I did. I know she must have woken up with severe pain.
