Broken Aphrodite

Chapter 40

I don't wake up till the next day and that's how tired I was , I glance at the clock and it's 5 am . my head is clouded with Lucas ..his face, it is so weird , normally all of my dreams are about Issac and his judging looks ..Sam will be happy to know that I rarely dream about him anymore .

It used to be much worse three years ago , I used to have horrible nightmares that he will find me ..and sometimes it would be him standing with the baby in his hands , both looking me in the eyes ..planing my death .

Suddenly the room feels awfully small and I can't breath . I shouldn't have thought about it ..it still terrifies me .

I stand and walk quickly to the window opening it to breath better , I feel bad ..haunted ..watched . I grab a cigarette and light it ..it will make me feel better ..I know what would make me feel better even more ..Lucas .

I grab my phone ..there's nothing , he hasn't texted me since our last conversation that was really short "lucky bitch" I say and laugh ..that's how his aunt described me .

I wish I can phone him , talk to him ..even argue with him ..anything , but I can't , he'll think I'm throwing myself at him ..I light another cigarette and another and another . damn it Eva ..it has only been 24 hours stop being a pain in the ass . you're probably the last thing he's thinking about .

So instead I call Sam , he will calm me down "Sam Singh ..please leave a message " ugh fucking voice mail .

"Hey Sammie " I stop and smile , he hates this name "please call me as soon as possible , I'm panicking for no damn reason and I've smoked my seventh cigarette in an hour ..so it's pretty bad " I say ..I want to say more but I hang up

I'm staring out of the window when my phone finally rings "Sam!" I answer relieved .

"Eva , sorry I was in the shower , is everything okay ?" he asks and I sigh

"everything was okay , I was going to call you and tell you that it's been a while since I dreamed about Issac but as soon as I thought about him I panicked ..I can't breath I feel like I'm being suffocated " he listens carefully until I'm done

"don't smoke Eva , it will make breathing even harder for you ..go out and walk a little ..it will help you " he says and I shake my head even though he can't see me .

"No ...I'm more safe inside " I say my stupid reasoning and he waits a little but when I don't talk ,he does .

"There's nothing to be safe from darling , Issac is not here , he will never be ..it's been 7 years , let it go ..breath ..this is a false alarm your mind is giving you it's been so long since you thought of him , there's nothing to be afraid of..you're far far away from him , you're safe " he says and I welcome a huge amount of air in my lungs ,I don't fully relax but I needed to hear this .

"I'm safe " I say to myself hoping that I will convince ..me , and repeat " you're right , I'm safe . I'm just overreacting " .

"I'm always right" he says and I can imagine him brushing his shoulders and smile "okay don't be so full of yourself old man " he just chuckles.

" Sam ?" I say " hmm ?" I really want to tell him that I miss Lucas ... I want his advice weather I should call him or not but I can't , for the first time ever ..I'm scared to tell Sam something ..I'm ashamed of it .

"Thank you " I say instead because I can't ..I just can't ..he will judge me , he never did but I feel like he would if I tell him this .

"You're most welcome , is that it ?" stop pushing me Sam "yes that's it ..you have to go to the hospital now yeah ?"